Urban Word Wednesday: Cropnihilation

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME, hubby…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Cropnihilation (by hubby): the dirty grandfather of cropdusting (the act of farting WHILE walking; leaving a trail behind yourself). Cropnihilation is cropdusting on speed.

Examples Of Use:

If y’all follow hubby on Facebook, you saw his recent post on his experience at Sobey’s yesterday.

Hubby shared this little ditty with me after work while we were waiting in line at Canadian Tire. He also told it with a little more…flare! Had me howling!

Hubby: I think I need to take a shower before cooking supper.

Me: why? Rough day at work?

Hubby: I went to Sobeys today and was following about 10 feet behind an old fella when all of a sudden he balled up his fist and coughed. At the same time, he let out the loudest, largest fart I’ve ever heard! It was insane and RIGHT in front of me. I couldn’t get around it even if I wanted to. I had to walk right into it!

Me: OMG the old dude totally cropdusted you…that’s hilarious.

Hubby: ok, A) it’s not funny and B) that was no cropdust honey…that was a cropnihilation! He might as well of sat on my face. He might as well shit ON me!

*I couldn’t stop laughing at this point*

Hubby: I feel dirty and violated!

 Me: you should definitely sanitize when we get home!

Ever been cropnihilated or even cropdusted? Ever been the perpetrator? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

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Business cards that say what you really think!

How many times have I wanted to tell someone off for their piss-poor parking? About a zillion times. But it always seemed kind of childish to sit in my car, for potentially hours, waiting to give someone a piece of my mind. Not to mention, there are a lot of crazies out there. How do I know that this person isn’t a poor parker due in large part to their being a card-carrying, knife-wielding psychopath?

Exactly! Play it safe Natalie. Walk away.

And I do.

But not without wishing, praying, and wanting so badly to say my piece!

And what about the dude that near knocked me over last week at the card store. His body odor was more than just foul…it was an assault! But…what do you say?!?! I mean…he was walking around apparently oblivious to the scent…as if he was fine with it when it was clear no one else was.

Don’t even get me started on one of my gal pals who is being such a dumbass right now dating a total douche bag and then complaining about it incessantly (I hope she isn’t reading my blog…)? I mean, I can only be outraged on her behalf the first 85 times. At some point, she stays and it’s on her. But how do you look a pal in the face and say “seriously…you are being an idiot!” without coming off as a total jerk?

Shikes…maybe I am just a jerk?!?! Anyway….

Or how about that snotty sales clerk? I thought she was getting paid to answer questions but by her twisted eye and head reaction, it seems it was insensitive of me to interrupt her text-fest.

Or the dismissive waitress who likely spit in my soup when I asked that it be reheated. Heaven forbid I want my tomato soup steamy?! Ya’d have thought I asked her to rebuild the pyramids!

I know I am not alone. I know y’all out there wanna let er’ fly sometimes!

I mean not without just cause. But for those special, ever singular, blood-pressure raising, steam-coming-out-of-ears moments!

Well…I found the perfect solution for us to keep it classy while still putting it all out there. Anonymously at that (if we so wish)!

Say hello to my new BFF, offensive business cards.

They say it all when I can’t! I can leave one discreetly on the parking pissant’s window…slip it on the sly into the pocket of the BO man.

Or hey, I could be bold and just pass them out…straight up…to the gal pal, the snotty sales clerk and the dismissive waitress. “Here’s a card…special…for you!” Triple Z SNAP! BAM!

With 100 cards and 8 different types perfect for common, everyday situation insult, I’ll be set. I mean…with cards like:

  • You Suck At Parking
  • You Smell Like Shit
  • Your Tattoos Are Retarded
  • Your Service Sucks
  • You’re Ugly As Fuck
  • Santa Isn’t Real
  • You’re An Idiot

I’ll be letting er’ fly all over the place!

I’ll be known as the offensive, card-carrying, urban redneck version of Bill Engvall. You know, the stand-up comedian who hates stupid people and has the hilarious skits “here’s your sign.”

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There I’ll be…”Here’s your card…

The fun I could have with these….be the best $15 I’d spend in ages!

Tell me about a time you could have used one of these offensive business cards? Come on…no one will think less of you here! Or…if you could customize them, what would be your most used offensive business card and why? Come on…share the wealth…

It’s Twisted Tuesday and that means it’s time to enjoy a smile, giggle or laugh…here’s hoping I’ve provided it in spades…enjoy!

More blog deliciousness here:

And like Louise Behiel in her beautiful In Memorium post, I just want to say that on September 11 every year, I remember. God bless all my American friends and family…thinking of all of you today!

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