Urban Word Wednesday: Douche Dial

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Douche Dial (brought to you by HUBBY!): A term to let someone know how much or how little they are acting like a real douchebag. The higher the douche dial, the bigger the douche.

Examples Of Use:

Last week, hubby and I joined some friends for a birthday dinner celebration. Somehow on the way to the restaurant, hubby came up with the douche dial term and we giggled about it incessantly. Of course, it became the center of our conversation that night since in a group setting, hubby and I can really get our banter on!

Hubby: I see you’ve turned your douche dial to high tonight honey!

Me: my douche dial is actually set to low but I can crank it up if you’d like?

Friends: douche dial???

Hubby: it’s a meter to evaluate her douchebagness!

Table: ROFL that’s awesome!

Hubby: and tonight she’s working that douche dial like a stripper on a pole?!

Me: I’ll take that as a compliment.

Me: I think it’s you who’s got the douche dial turned to max! However, if you need a lesson, I can turn mine to high any time to teach you the difference…that’s just how kind and generous I am. Give Give Give!

*Hubby holds his hand up and starts turning a virtual knob to HIGH!*

The table was in hysterics!

Do you like to spin the douche dial periodically? Know someone who does? Let’s hear your best douche dial stories people. Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

  • Did you read the Bloggess’ anniversary party post? OMG she totally outdid last year’s giant metal chicken. It involves a sloth people…need I say more?!?!
  • I’d love to be a fly on the wall when Lynnette Conroy’s coworkers receive her emails. Working from home must be awesome!
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Living with an angry bird

I’ve been reading the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy for the last couple of weeks. For those of you who have been living under a rock, it’s the new blockbuster mega-hit in erotic romance to hit the streets. Women (and I bet some men) have been lapping it up by the millions.

I’m about half way through the second book and I’ve been enjoying it. I’ve read a number of blog posts where people have complained heavily about the quality of the writing. It’s really less of an issue for me. I am absolutely the type of reader to just lose myself in the story. Unless it’s serious continuous spelling or punctuation issues, I can overlook just about anything for the sake of great characters and a capturing plot. Especially for stories like this that are told in the 1st person. The writing style gives me a sense of the character. I felt the same way about Twilight. The writing quality lent itself to the character and thereby the overall story for me.

So….I’m loving it.

But. I’ve got one huge problem with it.

WHAT woman has THAT much sex and doesn’t get a UTI (urinary tract infection/bladder infection)?

I mean…come on people?!?!? It’s just blowing the whole believability of the book out of the water for me.

Ok, I admit, it’s quite likely a sensitive subject for me right now. I’m sitting reading this deliciously sexual book and thinking about all the wonderful things I’d like to do with hubby while there sits an angry bird screaming its freaking head off at me. I read about this woman having fabulous sex at least twice a day thinking “hey…I could do that…” and I swear at the first thought flames literally shoot out of my hooha.

It’s so bad; I’ve been tempted to shave “BURNING” in my pubic hair as a warning to hubby.

Yes….I am currently dealing with yet again, another bladder infection.

It’s like my 10th in the last year or so. I try antibiotics. I try cranberry. I drink tons of water. I pee after doing the deed. I wipe front to back. I’ve even given up my BATHS (GASP?!?!?)! It doesn’t seem to matter. I take one itty, bitty peak at hubby’s bad boy and BAM…bladder infection.

What’s a girl to do?

I read these books, watch movies or TV and see all these women having all this fabulous sex all the time and it makes me feel….less. I’m 37 years old, in the prime of my life and I want to be all that I can be in the boudoir. I want to shout orgasms from the roof top. I want to dance naked in the rain. I want to scream out in lust! I want to unleash my sexual Goddess divine. Because I know, deep down, buried under the recurring bladder infection, chronic constipation, and fatigue from a sometimes stressful job, she’s in there. Screaming and begging to come out and play.

And alas….the angry vagina burns on.

But have no fear….We continue to fight the good fight. I’m off to make yet again another doctor’s appointment and this time I’ll be asking to see a specialist. Seriously. I’ve had enough. I need to bitch slap that angry bird into tomorrow.

My inner Goddess divine says so!

Look out Fifty (and hubby)…when I get this old girl all fixed up, I plan on putting you to shame!

How do you unleash your inner sex Goddess divine? How do you  juggle life…and maintain a healthy sex life with your partner? How do you come to terms with the portrayal of women and sex in the media with real life? Any bladder infection tips or tricks? Come on…share the wealth….

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Hairitude

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Today’s post was inspired by one of our very own bloggers extraordinaire; the wordsmith Julie Glover who writes Amaze-ing Words Wednesday posts that I never miss. One such Wednesday, I came across a delightful little gem on neologisms (new words) and I knew without a shadow of a doubt, it’d be featured over here where we get a little bit raunchier with our word fun.

Hairitude: A neologism of “hair” + “attitude”. The term can apply to any chick with an out-of-the-box, over-the-top hairdo that communicates an “I am all that” attitude.

Well girl…have I got some hairitude for YOU!

Examples Of Use:

When hubby and I were in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic this year for our vacation, I got braids put into my hair. These totally made the majority of my trip fuss-free and relaxing! I got me plenty of hairitude wearing these bad boys, let me tell ya. Bo Derek eat your heart out.

When we got home, it took hubby and I about 2 hours to take the darn things out. But lord….that amped up my hairitude to a triple z snap!!

Hubby: wowzers, that’s some kind of hair. Grrrr…I actually find it kind of sexy….

Me: GRRROOOWWWWLLLLL I’ll be your lioness tonight love! Let me shake, rattle and roll. I’m gonna do a double back hand spring Gold dismount tonight! Buckle up…the hairitude’s taking over and you are in for the ride of your life!

Hubby: I’m afraid…don’t hurt me!

What’s your fav hairitude style? What hairitude makes you hold your head up high? Any hairitude photos from the 80s to share? You can post pics in the comment section so don’t be shy! Come on…be bold!!

More blog deliciousness here:

  • OMG I near died reading Rant Rave Write’s post about her and her hubby’s top 4 communications tools to avoid mass disasters. Hilarious and I think hubby and I could use a few of these…ok…all of them!
  • LOVED Julie Winn’s post about father’s day cards. I agree Julie, having a selection that goes beyond the lawn mowing and farting talents would be delightful.

5 things I’ll never apologize for

Embracing my love of slightly slutty clothes while on vacation…those are my skin-tight pleather pants!!

I’ll say what I think. I believe in being honest and authentic while respecting other people’s feelings. It’s not about being blunt and having no filter or being mean for no reason but at the same time, expressing my thoughts and feelings is about expressing who I am as a person. If I lie or hide what I think, I feel like I am essentially hiding me. It can be a tough balancing act; being honest while not purposefully hurting someone. Blurting out “are you fawking studid??? Seriously???” is not helpful even if it’s what I am thinking (count to ten before speaking Natalie…). Sometimes I don’t get it right but when that happens, I am quick to apologize for being too harsh. But I won’t apologize for shooting straight from the hip. If you don’t want to know what I really think, don’t ask.

I’m a bit of a party girl. Nothing crazy and not every weekend but I do love to get my party on periodically. It can be a fire in the backyard with friends or a night out on the town dancing but every few weekends, I love to just let my hair down and crack open a few beers.

I swear…a lot…and I like it. Now, let’s be clear. It’s not like I have no control over my potty mouth. I keep a leash on my inner sailor at work and around kids but my naturally tendency is to swear…a lot! I know at times it makes people around me uncomfortable so I do try to respect the present company but again…it’s just me. And I quite like it. Probably another reason why I’d have never made it as a beauty queen.

I think I can handle myself. Growing up, I was a bit of a bad ass and got into some physical confrontations. In a few, I came out the victor. In a few, I came out less fortunate. Those few occasions taught me how fragile I was. I didn’t like feeling helpless and vulnerable given the circles I was running in. So I spent a few years studying street boxing and kickboxing. And I loved it. I loved how empowered and confident it made me feel. Funny thing, I never got into another physical confrontation once I started training. Regardless, as a woman, I like knowing that those lessons are stored in my brain…just in case!

I love to dress a little slutty. Ok, so I don’t dress THAT slutty but I’d love to. I’d wear just about every outfit featured in Frederick’s of Hollywood if I had the body and was younger. I think Hubby sometimes gets scared when we are out shopping and sees the things I am drawn to and would LOVE to wear. Backless, short, and BLINGED up. I’d let it all hang out if I thought for one second people wouldn’t snicker, point and laugh. So I keep my inner slut in her place and admire from afar. And when we go on our Dominican vacation, I let her out of the cage just a wee bit…pleather keeps her happy!

What things will you not apologize for? Do you relate to any of mine? Come on…share the wealth….

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Fartability

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Fartability: the odds that a food will cause noxious gas that is harmful to living things and injurious to health.

Examples Of Use:

I don’t know about you but depending on what he eats, hubby can get…well…I am just gonna say it. He gets GASSY! I am talking clear the room kind of gas. I swear, when it comes out of his ass, its yellow and toxic looking. When he drops one of his famous ass blasters, I yell “bomb,” grab my gas mask and hit the floor.

Now me on the other hand, I rarely have that issue. And on the odd occasion when I do have a wee bit of flatulence, they are more like little unnoticeable fluffs of air. A tiny toot that mostly goes unnoticed. Now hubby is likely to come on here and post all kinds of comments arguing to the contrary but don’t give it a moment’s attention. Lies. All lies!

Anyway, so giving hubby’s tendency to cut cheese like nobody’s business, we often evaluate our dinner options for their fartability factor. So Hubby and I were at a local restaurant this past weekend pondering what deliciousness to devour. While the waitress waited to take hubby’s order, we enjoyed a little urban word fun and watched her giggle over our convo.

Hubby: hmmmm…I just don’t know. I am torn between getting a pizza or a donair.

Me: both sounds sooo good. I could do either so you pick.

Hubby: well, the fartability factor for the donair is quite high. I’d rate it extreme deadliness on the fartability factor scale. While the pizza rates more like a medium to low risk although it does give me heartburn. 

Me: well are you planning to work in the garage tonight or watch TV? Cause if you are going to the garage, it’s your prerogative but if you want to watch TV with me upstairs, ya best opt for the pizza.

Hubby: and…I suppose the fartability factor could have a negative impact on foreplay potential????

Me: yes, the two are directly related so…it’s your call.

Hubbypizza it is!

Ever think about the fartability factor when ordering food? Does your significant other clear the room with their toxic gas? What’s the most embarrassing place you’ve let one fly (accidentally of course)? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Please don’t drink and drive

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Two years ago, my beautiful mother-in-law’s life was cut tragically short by an impaired driver and my stepson’s life changed forever. In honor of Donna and Jordan Kennie, please don’t drink and drive. Impaired driving is 100% preventable. Think about it.

Support MADD Canada and follow them on Facebook, Twitter (@maddcanada), YouTube, and on the Web.


P.S. Remember, hubby and I are on vacation until April 23, 2012 but have fun and talk amongst yourselves!

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Glamping

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Glamping (a most beloved portmanteau): Shorthand for glamorous camping; luxury camping. It’s like regular camping but with nicer things than usual, being warmer, and more comfortable.

Examples Of Use:

Hubby and I were doing some shopping at Canadian Tire when I struck gold.

Me: OMG! It’s perfect. I can’t wait to go glamping with this treasure!

Hubby: glamping?!?

Me: you know…DUH….glamour camping!

Hubby: I should have known if there was such a thing, you’d find it.

Me: I am totally taken that as a compliment!

Me: don’t you think this stainless steel wine glass says rustic, glamour? It’s glamping baby. It’s our new camping style! Consider it like an upgrade…

Hubby: I must say, it suits you perfectly!

Me: I know, doesn’t it?!?! I think I’ll bedazzle it with some hot pink rhinestones to really glamp it up!

Hubby: that’d be swell – can you make me one in blue?

Me: absolutely…and I found you a little glamping treasure I think you’ll love. I mean, you know I wouldn’t want you to feel left out. How about THIS for cooking up our yummies while we are roughing it?

Hubby: that’s certainly an upgrade to our frying pan over an open fire. I could adjust…I think I’m gonna like glamping!!!  

What’s your camping style? Would you go glamping? What other glamping gems have you seen that are “must haves”?


P.S. Remember, hubby and I are on vacation until April 23, 2012 but have fun and talk amongst yourselves!

More blog deliciousness here:

The truth about boys – a guest post by Jessica O’Neal

I am so excited to welcome Jessica O’Neal to my blog digs while I am on vacation. Jessica’s blog ROCKS with her vlogs (yes…she does VLOGS….how uberlicious is that…) and her bow and arrow (yes…she has a BOW and arrows and she knows how to use them)! I know y’all will just adore her. Thanks so much for swinging by and hanging out here Jessica – I hope you enjoy yourself! Take it away…

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Jessica O'Neal

Hey y’all! I am super excited to be hanging out here at Natalie’s fahhhbulous blog, I even painted my toenails pink for the occasion (you can’t see them, but I promise they are pink). I was beyond honored when she asked me to come up with something for you guys, and then I instantly got nervous. Let’s face it, Natalie is a hilarious act to follow. The antics that she and the hubby get up to always make for some entertaining reading and, try as I might, I couldn’t think of a story of my own that even came close to measuring up to one of theirs. In fact, for the majority of my life I was pretty sheltered and most, well all, of their stories would have been quite shocking to my innocent little self. This got me thinking. When did that change?

Growing up, it was just me, my mom, and my sister from a fairly young age. I went to an arts school for middle school and high school, so the girl to guy ratio was about 4:1 and the guys that were there made sure to show their well-behaved, tame sides around me. The only other boys I was around were from church youth group, so they were always on relatively good behavior, too. All of this meant that when I started dating my future husband, who also happened to be the first guy I ever dated, I was incredibly naïve as to the world of boys. Sure I had heard rumors of their crude natures, but based on all that I had ever witnessed, I believed those tales to be vastly exaggerated. Ha! Oh, how so very wrong I was.

I’m not really sure what changed when I started dating my husband. Maybe it was because I was off the market, so there was no pressure to impress me in the hopes of winning my heart, but whatever the reason, I began to be treated as one of the guys. My husband’s friends, and there were a lot of them, welcomed me into the inner sanctum of The World of Male and, oh my goodness, it was quite the culture shock. Every construct I had ever built up in my head about boys was shattered as I learned that all the jokes I believed to be just that, jokes, were indeed true.

They really do behave like they are still children with one another. This may not seem like much, but it was shocking to me. My husband and his friends were all in their early to mid 20s, yet they still tormented each other like they were little boys. There were a select few that tended to be picked on the most, and the rest would spend hours coming up with practical jokes to play on them or ways in which they could embarrass them, such as throwing things on them while they were taking a shower or getting on an IM chat with their girlfriends and pretending to be them.

Then they also did things that were just dumb. I remember one time we went to a party where all the guys thought it was hilarious to throw mouse traps at each other. Another time they decided to play “shopping cart chicken,” which involved two guys sitting in two shopping carts being pushed towards each other at full speed. And don’t get me started on holidays that involve fireworks – let’s just say that my fear of being burned by fireworks no longer seems irrational.

They really do like to be naked, or close to it, as often as possible. I had always heard the boys in youth group joke about “naked time,” but again I thought that it really was a joke. I was wrong. Generally speaking, boys have no problem getting naked and they think it is funny. I went from never having seen a naked male to seeing way more than I ever wanted to. Thankfully, whenever they got naked it was to be funny, so there was usually something hiding the *goods*, such as a basketball. One of our good friends was particularly fond of wearing plastic bags. The memory that always sticks out in my mind is the time we were watching TV and he suddenly came out in nothing but cowboy boots, a pink tie, and a strategically placed Target bag. Sometimes there would be a short supply of cover-up objects, but that didn’t stop them when the naked mood struck. Nope, on these occasions they opted to preserve their modesty with the good ole tuck, or as they called it, the “man-gina” (there’s an urban word for you, Natalie!).

They really do think about sex. All the time. This one, I think, surprised me the most. Before my husband’s friends, boys did not really talk about sex around me, so I never believed the idea that boys thought about sex every 3 seconds. Well, I can now tell you with confidence, that saying is true. Oh. My. Goodness. I have heard more stories, most of which are even too dirty for this blog, than I ever cared to know (thankfully none of which involved my husband). I don’t know if it was just because most of my husband’s friends were in bands and had a ton of tour experiences to talk about (“tour goggles” are a real thing too, by the way, as the nicknames “pig-frog” and “man-face,” the nicknames given to two girls one guy fooled around with on tour, can attest) or if it is this way with all guys, but it is seriously out of control how much they think about women and sex. I am pretty sure the entire first year of my relationship with my husband was spent with me gaping at the things that came out of his friends mouths. It was definitely an educational time period for my innocent little mind.

Going from a world comprised almost exclusively of women to one almost exclusively of men was the biggest culture shock I have yet to face. Once I got over the shock, however, I was able to develop an appreciation for this world that had been kept secret from me for so long. As dumb and gross as they can be, those boys always make me laugh.

What about the rest of you? Did any of you experience a culture shock when you learned the truth about boys? And what about you men out there? Were there things that shocked you when you learned the truth about women? Go ahead and dish in the comments.

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Squeeeee…man-gina!! I am TOTALLY going to do a post on that Jessica – love it! Thanks again for swinging by and sharing your story with us. I can only imagine what a culture shock you’ve gone through but it also sounds like you’ve had a ton of laughs and have adjusted beautifully!

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: ding-a-ling bling gone extreme

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

WARNING: today’s blog features videos with explicit language so watch at your own risk.

Today is a special edition of Urban Word Wednesday. After Roy and Tameri made it known that last week’s nowhere story was a bit too light for their raunchy tastes (it’s ok guys, I’m a bit twisted as well), I am amping it up this week with a double whammy with…VIDEOS! Yes, you read that right. Buckle up folks, we are going hard core.

It came about when hubby and I were sitting on the couch last Wednesday evening and the following convo ensued:

Me: did you see my post on the nowhere story today?

Hubby: yes, and thanks for exploiting the “Sussex story”. Is nothing sacred between us anymore?

Me: no, my readers need to know baby. We have a responsibility to entertain and…I’m sorry but the shit you say is funny!

Hubby: how did the fans like it?

Me: pretty good except Roy and Tameri weren’t impressed with my PG13 style.

*Hubby pulls up blog post and reads comments”

Hubby: well, maybe it’s time….maybe they are ready…

Me: for what – you have a good one for me?

Hubby: how about….balldazzling?

Me: haven’t we done the nether region bedazzling to death?

Hubby: a) when is talking about decorating our nether regions ever enough?!?! and b) there’s a video!!

Me: I’ll bite!

Balldazzle: to bling out your balls; similar to vajazzle, but for men (ding-a-ling bling’s crack head cousin).

Me: SHUT up. OMG! Riot!! But do you think it’ll be too much? Can my readers handle this?

Hubby: well, they said they wanted it a little more “edgy” and that’s definitely over the top! Or you could always showcase penazzling instead. I got a video for that one too.

Me: what?!?!?!

Penazzle: when a man bedazzles his man region using any sparkly/bejeweled variety of body art (ding-a-ling bling’s adopted brother).

Me: oh. my. god. I love the theme music but hubby…do you think we’ve gone too far?!??!

Hubby: never…your readers demanded extreme and you will deliver Hartford! Cowboy Up and post the words WITH videos!

Me: okey dokey!

What do you think? Did hubby and I go too far? Did we offend or sprinkle a giggle? Now that’s you’ve seen it in action, think you’d consider getting blinged up?

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Nowhere story

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Nowhere story: a tale or recount of an event or events that doesn’t ever reach a particular point or meaning.

Examples Of Use:

Hubby: have I ever told you about the time I fell off the jungle gym when I was 8 and broke my elbow. We were living in Sussex and I was climbing. Suddenly out of nowhere my foot slipped and…

Me: wait a minute…is this another one of your nowhere stories? Cause I don’t have all night! I need to get writing. My WIP is a priority you know? You said you supported me?

Hubby: I hate you sometimes…

Me: I know….

Ever find yourself telling a nowhere story? How do you get away from someone telling you a nowhere story? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

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