Dating advice to a misguided missed connection

Last week, Jenny and I embarked on uber Missed Connections fun; our latest discovery in free entertainment. On Friday, Jenny posted a poll where y’all had the opportunity to vote on your favorite of our Missed Connections. And today, hubby and I dish out some dating advice to your fav dud!

The Missed Connection y’all felt needed hubby and I the most – by a 58.82% majority vote:

You farted in Trader Joe’s – m4w (Danbury, CT) (NYC Craigslist “Missed Connections”)

“You were the tall brunette with the near perfect body that farted in the bread section last night. I was the tall guy next to you that looked over and asked, “Was that you?” You quickly replied “No…Wasn’t me!” You almost seemed insulted I would ask. As the stink grew you continued to deny your flatulence, but it was evident. I tried to get rid of the stench by waving 2 loafs of Ciabatta bread. You proceeded to storm off in an angry manner. You are beautiful and even if you are a liar and fart like a Clydesdale, I’d love to meet up sometime.”

This post was written in 2009 and although it’s no longer on Craigslist, it is a real Missed Connection post, as seen here

My Advice

I have to question your attraction to a bold-faced liar. I mean…this is what I’d call a major red flag. If she’d lie about something as putrid but petty as flatulence, what else would she lie about? I encourage all my friends to date people who aren’t afraid to owe their shit. Literally, if need be.

Take hubby and I as an example. Sometimes, I can’t avoid crop dusting deadly ass gas. It’s that or serious cramps. We’ll be at the mall and hubby will turn with a quizzical look to which I will giggle and nod…”oh yeah…that was me…” Now that’s honest love. No hidden gems here. We share everything.

You want a lady who’s not only beautiful and can fart like a Clydesdale, but one who can own it with pride. If she was a quality lady worthy of your time and effort, her response to your personal, yet warranted, question should have been “hell yes! Breath that bad boy in…” Any fart that elicits a scent worthy of waving the wheaties is something to be proud of.

You are obviously a chivalric gentleman trying to help her conceal her deal and your romantic loaf gesture should have been acknowledged with a wink, smile and some appreciative “thanks” instead of her storming off angry. Don’t be blinded by the beauty, this is obviously a short-tempered, high maintenance liar. Run my friend…run! Not to mention, if you started dating there’s no doubt she’d likely pin one of her smelly air biscuits on you at some point…think about it!

My advice to you, use this experience as a benchmark tool in your further quests. Ask any dating potentials right up front what their stench potential is and if they are loud and proud or a silent but violent liar.

If you happen upon a beauty that admits to having some serious anal acoustics don’t let that interfere with your relationship. Remember, there’s always Subtle Butts.

Hubby’s Advice

Set the bar higher buddy.

If your dates fart like a horse, there is a problem. This is not the quality you should aim for. Stand on your head and let the blood drain to your real head and then…give your head a shake. Pinch it off. You are obviously blinded by beauty.

Look deeper and for someone who, if she does fart like Clydesdale, does so in the privacy of a bathroom, not the bread line. I suggest you be more selective. Like selecting your bread, whether whole grain, multi grain or white, there are a whole slew of possibilities. But no matter what you choose, you don’t pick the loaf that looks the best ignoring the rancid smell. That would be a taste disaster. You choose the one that looks and smells fresh – picking a quality partner is the same.

Find a gal who is beautiful and smells wonderfully!

What advice would you give this Missed Connection poster? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

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Missed Connections…the truth revealed

Yesterday, Jenny and I shared a little Missed Connections fun with y’all and I have to say, you guys leave the BEST comments. Here and over at Jenny’s, I’ve been rolling on the floor laughing my butt off. Love it!

So today, as promised, the truth shall be revealed.

Let’s start with my post.

Which Missed Connection was fake?

  1. REAL: I missed you…shit  23.53% voted for it being the fake…But it’s real (although the post has been deleted by its author, it was the real deal).
  2. REAL: The big blue box  11.76% voted for it being the fake…But it’s real. I can’t even begin to imagine what this big blue box is…a new term I am unaware of? Must investigate further!
  3. FAKE: To the cute guy in lime green tank at gym by 6 am  41.18% voted for it being the fake…You guys are BRILLIANT and totally picked me out. All I did was write about what I want to do to hubby…all the time…growl! Maybe that was the dead give away as Gloria suggested in the comments…dang! I am so transparent.
  4. REAL: Just can’t get my head around  5.88% voted for it to be fake. But it’s real. Sounds like this lady has had a bit of a rough time. I’d say go with option 1) the guy is a jerk.
  5. REAL: You stuck my flash drive in your vagina  17.65% voted for it being the fake…but it’s real. I know?!?!?! Who does that and who then WRITES an ad about it?!?! Although this post is from 2010 and no longer featured on Craigslist, it is/was definitely real.

And which one did y’all find funniest?

Now…let’s have some fun with Jenny’s Missed Connections.

Which Missed Connection was fake?

  1. REAL: I Saw Your Thong  13.04% voted for it being the fake…But it’s real. I give the guy points for his sense of humor. Perhaps if he paid homage to Bathtub Jesus, the God’s would shine on him and answer his Craigslist prayer.
  2. FAKE: Naked In The Trash  26.09% of you nailed it – total fake! Well, partially. This Missed Connection was inspired by Jenny’s hubby who did see a naked lady change in the trash area outside his work. Although it was not a missed connection experience…more like a 16-year-old boy getting his first show!
  3. REAL: My Next Happy Meal  43.48% voted for it being the fake…But it’s real. I know…like who posts on the web only being able to last 2 minutes?!?!
  4. REAL: Strong Legs On Kelly Drive  17.39% voted for it being the fake…But it’s real. I hope he helped the poor girl up after her near miss of duck poo!

And which one did y’all find hilarious?

  • I Saw Your Thong  52.38% outstanding choice y’all. I’ve been busting my gut all day about this one.

Be sure to visit Jenny’s Blog on Friday where she’s going to do a compilation of all our Missed Connections fun so you can vote on your ultimate favorite. Then…stay tuned for Monday’s post here where I…with all my esteemed experience and knowledge…will offer some dating advice to the winning Missed Connection. Of course with my own urban redneck flare. Should be…interesting!

And since it’s Twisted Tuesday, I leave you with this Craigslist Missed Connections parody fun:

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It’s your turn…why don’t you take a crack at writing your own Missed Connection – fake or real? Or take a few minutes and find a favorite or outrageous one to share with the group…there are so many out there ripe for the picking! Come on…share the wealth…

It’s Twisted Tuesday and that means it’s time to enjoy a smile, giggle or laugh…here’s hoping I’ve provided it in spades…enjoy!

More blog deliciousness here:

Missed Connections…can you spot the fake?

After last week’s Missed Connections post, Jenny Hansen and I got together and started having an inordinate amount of fun with it. And y’all know we just had to share the laughs with our blogosphere family. I mean…keeping this fun to ourselves wouldn’t be right!

Below, enjoy 5 Missed Connections. I was going to feature just 3 but man; there are so many good ones out there I couldn’t pair it down. So…enjoy 5 Missed Connections. 4 of them are REAL and 1 is fake (written by yours truly and I promise, is entirely a fraud…I am not secretly plotting my escape from hubby). Can you spot the fake? Take a crack at it and vote.

Note: in tomorrow’s post, I will let you know which ones are real and pay due homage with linky love galore.

When you’ve voted here, be sure to head over and see what Ms. Jenny has in store for you!

Missed Connection #1: I missed you…shit

I saw you twice on your bycycle.
You parked it and was talking to another gentleman.
I winked at you while you were smoking a cigarette.(You have a pink back pack).
I did not want to crash your conversation so I walked on.
The guy you were talking to said you showed interest in me.
I held back and waited for him to leave as it just seemed the thing to do.
You left your bycycle tied up and you were gone.
Bummer..I really wanted to get together with you.
Hot short jean shorts and a pretty face.
You’ll probably never see this this but for those who read this post it may head a warning of lost opportunity.

Missed Connection #2: The big blue box

Hey. Do you remember a few weeks ago when I helped you with that weird thing. You asked me to join you in your big blue box for some adventures. I wish I hadn’t declined. Maybe you’re reading this and remember me, if you do please contact me. I’d love to be your companion.

Missed Connection #3: To the cute guy in lime green tank at gym by 6 am

We work out at the same gym. You’re almost always there when I go. Usually on the treadmill or stair master around 6 am. I bet I could bounce quarters off your ass, it’s so tight! We’ve chit chatted. I try to keep my composure. You have no idea that while making small talk, all I can think about is pouring honey down your chiselled chest and licking it off as it trails down your treasure trail. You always smile at me and I hope this means you feel the chemistry to. Maybe you want to pour chocolate on parts of me? I am to shy to ask you out. Today you were wearing tight black shorts with a light green tank. It showed off your great build and great complexion. I wanted to spank you. If you are reading this and you’d like to go for a walk sometime, respond and tell me what I was wearing today.

Missed Connection #4: Just can’t get my head around

The fact you didn’t bother to tell me your actual name before sleeping with me.
You simply cannot imagine the horror of seeing your name changed on your
e-mail address the following day. What kind of person fails to mention their
name and then says we were never introduced? If it was that bad why didn’t
you stop? I told you I had been abused and you just ignored it. What did you
expect? I was nervous you knew that. You’d f*ck me but not be my friend if
it wasn’t perfect the first time. Either you used me or you are simply the most
self centered immature jerk I’ve ever allowed close to me

Missed Connection #5: You stuck my flash drive in your vagina

You stuck my flash drive in your vagina. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I don’t think this is a fad sweeping the city, so this one’s for you.
We met at a Millcreek Tavern. You said you were from Lancaster. You were beautiful, you liked me. It was perfect. But then…
We went back to my apartment. We watched The Breakfast Club. You had never seen it before. We then ended up in my bed, as planned. And had sex, as planned.
You looked beautiful half covered in my sheets when I left to use the bathroom. When I came back, this is what I saw:
You standing naked at my computer. You with your hand on the keyboard, not typing. You grabbing the flash drive.
The flash drive pops out.
You look at it.
You squat a little bit.
You insert it into your vagina, like a tampon.
I am speechless.
You proceed to get dressed, say you have to go home, and leave. The number you gave me doesn’t work.
I am confused. I’d like to see you again. I’d like to see my flash drive again.
Your name is Rebecca. You have long blond hair.
Please get in touch. I am a very understanding person.

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There you have it. A whole lot of Miss Connection fun. Can you stop laughing long enough to spot the fake?

Check back here tomorrow where I will let you know the fakes for BOTH mine and Jenny’s blog along with links to the real ones. I wonder if y’all will guess right?!

Which Missed Connection had you ROFL the most?

Don’t forget to keep on laughing over at Jenny’s blog today where she’s having a little Missed Connections fun of her own. And watch Jenny’s blog on Friday where you and she are going to work together to give me some fabulous material for an outrageous post next Monday!

Ever experience a Missed Connection and wish you’d have spoken out and seized the day? Know anyone who got together after a Missed Connection reconnection? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Missed connections…online cupid fun

Ok. I am sooooo out of touch! I had NO IDEA. I can’t believe I didn’t know. Why didn’t someone tell me?!?!

About. Missed. Connections.

I came to it almost by accident. I discovered the YouTube talk show Dirty Talk Dating (fabulous – love these people!) with Tess and Lou’s interview with Melissa Center who started Missed Connections Live where she produced funny videos BASED on real New York Missed Connections postings.

If you are like me, your first question is “what’s a missed connection post?”

Well…I guess people all around the world write and post these “missed connections” advertisements on Craigslist detailing their “missed connection” with someone. Perhaps it was someone you locked eyes with on the subway but didn’t have the guts to talk to; maybe an arm brush at the coffee shop with a cute guy and as you went to say hi, he turned and walked away; or maybe it was an incidental urinal meeting between two men where you wish you’d have had the guts to introduce yourself but felt the moment wasn’t quite right.

Shut up? I know! It’s true!

People actually post this stuff. And then someone makes funny videos about it.

ONLY on the Internet could we be so fortunate.

Although sadly, it seems like Melissa isn’t posting any more videos. We can all console ourselves by watching the ones she did put together. Here are a couple of my personal FAVS!

Hey Beautiful Lady

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Be My John Roberts

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OMG hilarious!

Then for shits and giggles, I went on Craiglist to see if Missed Connections is for real and guess what…it IS!!! Here are some samples from yesterday’s Toronto’s Missed Connections section on Craiglist that I just had to share…

JEWISH BAKERY/RESTAURANT – m4w – 42 (Very specific)

Date: 2012-08-27
Reply to this post

Today I was at a very well known toronto jewish bakery/restuarant for lunch. You were sitting with there with a friend. We casually exchanged glances and I have to say you looked terrific. If this is you and you read this..what restaurant were we at

Goodlife gym – m4m (Kingsmill (Etobicoke))

Date: 2012-08-27
Reply to this post

We were side by side at the urinal today. You – bearish, goatee. You were playing with yourself and you caught me looking at you. We made eye contact as I turned to leave. Hope to see you back there again. If you see this, tell me what I was wearing so I know it’s you.

Gorgeous ebony in black and white dress waiting in bus stop – m4w – 50 (Albion Road and Armel Court)

Date: 2012-08-27
Reply to this post

This is a long shot, but I felt compelled to post an ad just in case you or somebody who knows you sees this. I was driving northbound on Albion Road around 10:15 AM today, and when I got to Armel Court, you were standing in the bus stop, wearing a black and white dress, to the best of my recollection. I was driving by in a black vehicle. Our eyes met as I passed you, and you flashed me a great smile which I returned. I was going to turn around immediately and go back and talk to you, but alas, I didn’t. In any case, if you do see this, please contact me. I would love to meet you and see more of that gorgeous smile!

Goodlife chat – m4m – 40 (North York/Toronto)

Date: 2012-08-27
Reply to this post

This is going to sound way too cryptic but here goes. I’ve seen you around this location of GoodLife (not a downtown location btw) for about 3 years and only recently have we started acknowledging each other – to the point where last week I introduced myself – N___ to you by name and you told me your name S___. We’re both over the age of 40 – (i assume you are – i know i am). We’ve only talked about your fitness regime and my running. I’d like to take it further. It never seems to be the right time to strike up a conversation with you, but damn I’d like to! I think you’re married (to a woman no less!) but my senses tell me something more is going on. Anyway in the rare chance that you read this we had a very brief interchange this morning and i wish i’d continued it beyond what was said. Write me back if you recognize any of this. – i’m keeping it cryptic for obvious reasons.

Just call me cupid!

Did you know about this Missed Connections thing (and if so…why did you not tell me?!?!)? Have you ever posted a Missed Connection? Ever had a Missed Connection you wish you would have posted about? Come on…share the wealth…

It’s Twisted Tuesday and that means it’s time to enjoy a smile, giggle or laugh…here’s hoping I’ve provided it in spades…enjoy!

More blog deliciousness here:

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