Urban Word Wednesday: Helicopter

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Helicopter: 1) When you swing your penis around in a circle and make the noise of a helicopter. 2) Sexual act with the female on top. The female does a split and inserts lubed penis into vagina. The male then grabs hold of the female’s legs and spins her around rapidly, similar to that of a helicopter’s blades. Has a high failure rate, roughly 100%.

Examples Of Use:

It all started with August McLaughlin’s post on girl boners on Monday. I read it, loved it, commented and went on my merry way. That is until hubby and I hit the movies. We went to see Flight on Monday evening and went early to ensure we got optimal seats. There we sat munching our popcorn when hubby decides he and I are going to be part of the movie pre-show for all the other early birds.

He pulls out his Galaxy III and reads out loud the following comment fun he had enjoyed on August’s post earlier that day.

Then we proceed to have this conversation.

Me: I cannot believe you mentioned the Helicopter on August’s blog. My god. You know there are probably 18 kinky/nasty things that it means online…good lord, now all the blogosphere is going to think you and I are into even weirder shit than they already do.

Hubby: girl boner in theory is all fine and dandy but I’m sorry…the visual of you growing a wang to suds up in the shower and twirl around and around to do the Helicopter was too much to bare. I lost my shit a little bit.

Me: well duh…I don’t want a physical manifestation either but I think August’s point was more to women’s pleasure being higher on our radar from day 1.

Hubby: and I am all for it…but the term girl boner…I couldn’t get past it.

Me: hopefully Kristy doesn’t think we are into the sexual act of the Helicopter…I mean, who at our age could do the splits and hold the pose while getting turned around on a dick?!? Sounds more like Mission Impossible than the Helicopter to me! We are definitely not into kink like that!  

Hubby: what’s with the “we” shit? I’d totally be into that!

 Me: I bet you would since you wouldn’t the one having to do the splits and get swung around…

Ever seen a version of the Helicopter? Think you’d like a girl boner? Your partner more kinky than you? How do you balance your different needs? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

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Hubby’s Corner: What’s crack-a-lackling?

Happy Blogday to me!!!  Today’s post marks one full year since I posted my first Hubby’s Corner.

Now I know my 12 posts do not compare to Natalie’s 400+ posts but I still feel a sense of accomplishment and pride as I think back to the fun and laughs I’ve had over the past year and the sinking realization that our lives are just simply crazy and full of surprises, embarrassing moments, and little incidents that make you belly laugh to the core while tears run down your cheeks.

Just such a moment recently transpired.

Let me paint the mood. We just left our favorite Chinese place where we had a great supper with our friends Laura and Jeremy aka Laremey (portmanteau = Laura + Jeremy). We arrived at our local theatre, cutely titled “The Playhouse”.  We hand over our tickets and are escorted to our seats by a vest clad, flashlight-holding, middle-aged man.

The seats are plush, the lights are dim and we are all snuggled up tightly in our theatre style seating. We’ve got our usual crazy chuckle banter going on amongst ourselves. Always aware of my surroundings, I notice the seats in front of us are occupied and new patrons have just been escorted to the row in front of us. As the people currently seated rise to a standing position – it happened!!!

Directly in front of Natalie’s face – only mere inches away – was a big hairy, toothless grin of an ass crack! So with cat-like reflexes I nudge Natalie’s arm and like a deer caught in the headlights her eyes bulge and her mouth drops and remains open for several seconds. Laura seated next to Natalie, almost simultaneously discovers the spectacular view before her as well.

As I look over at the two of them preparing themselves for the inevitable ‘sit down’ my inner devil is tearing at my flesh in an effort to ask the pair of them “What’s Crack-a-lackling Ladies!” but alas I cannot. As I opened my mouth in an effort to speak nothing came out as the gentleman was in the initial launch sequence of the seated position and WHOOP THERE IT IS!!

We were all a captive audience to this indecent exposure several more times over the next 15 minutes period. Every time a person wanted in or out of the row in front of us, we knew what was coming and we all braced ourselves; white knuckled in our chairs. Some of us squinted, some of us looked away, but then you’d catch someone or someone caught you stealing a glance and the four of us would break out in hysterical laughter and tears.

We went to see some comedy at “The Playhouse” that night but what we couldn’t have guessed was that the most laughs of the night came from “Johnny Ass-Cracker” seated in front of us!

Writers Note: I try to reach out and touch all my readers, never letting any of them fall through the cracks. I do not claim to be a writer but I always take a crack at it. So please don’t crack down on my writing; stay calm; crack open a drink, crack some jokes, crack a window and crack a smile….causing you never know what’s crack-a-lackling here at Hubby’s Corner – a place for pondering!!!

Ever get a nasty, incidental moon show? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

An intimate apparel overhaul

A weekend for a total intimate apparel overhaul

We laugh a lot about underwear here and over at Jenny Hansen’s (her undie chronicles are a staple in blogosphere hilarity). Here, we’ve partied to the panty anthem (you know…music that makes you want to take em’ off), panty’s for two (oh yes…get jiggy with your favorite person), kegel panties (cause tighter is always better), famine undies (cause we all got some nasties in the drawer…you  know you do!), and who could forget c-sting undies (the stand-alone thongs).

Today, I want to talk a little more seriously about the underwear drawer.

When hubby and I first got together, my underwear drawer consisted of a colorful collection of Hanes bikini undies in pink, white, black and blue. I am ashamed to admit, most of them were in famine undie state but whatever…they were comfortable, right? Broken in. Like an extension of my ass.

That was until hubby told me that those undies were like putting no-name steak sauce on a piece of Grade A steak.

Ever since, hubby and I have been in a panty drawer battle. I upgraded from Hanes to Calvin Klein bikinis with a 3-year-old nude bra. Voila, right? Not quite what he had in mind but he seemed to acquiesce. Then, last week, hubby said something to me that stopped me in my tracks.

I don’t get it. You are so into fashion, sexy, cute and sparkle when it comes to your clothes. You love feeling gorgeous. I don’t get why that doesn’t translate to your under clothes. I’d have thought you’d have wanted to have fun and feel super cute and pretty with bras and panties that sort of complement your personality.

Hmmmmmmmm…

I knew he wasn’t talking about sultry sous vêtement for him…in a sexual, lingerie-wearing kind of way. He was talking about me wearing things that make me feel as beautiful on the outside, as I do on the inside, from tits to toes.

I think I’ve always sort of categorised fabulously fun bras and panties as “uncomfortable” while cotton and plain with comfort. But…when I really stopped and thought about how my constant companion Calvin’s and brutal beige bra made me feel, I wouldn’t have exactly equated them with sexy, fun or fabulous. More like beige blaze.

I “save” my fabulous knickers for those special occasions, which just so happen to come around about twice a year. And although I’ve written about my realizing that no matter my size, I can wear clothes that make me feel uber hot, I don’t think I translated that lesson into my intimate drawer. I’ve told hubby time and time again that when I drop 30 pounds, I’ll expand my bra and panty repertoire.

Huh? What does being smaller have to do with it? Don’t chubby girls have the right to feel fabulous underneath their curvaceous clothes?

The scene from The Devil Wears Prada comes to mind.

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I am definitely more like Anne Hathaway right now but I am realizing I want to transform into those sexy undergarment wearing models…only a plus size version (or real size as I like to call it).

I want to break out my “saved” fancies for every day wear. I want to find gorgeous, cute, sparkling bras and undies that are ALSO comfortable. I want to feel hot in my business suit and underneath it.

I set out on a mission this weekend. I hit the local intimate apparel store and tried on 20 or 30 bras in search of those that I could meet my criteria of A) comfortable and B) fabulously fun. And you know…I found a bunch! I stepped up my game with a palooza of matching panties in a variety of styles (no bikini) to experiment with what styles I find comfortable.

I came home and gave my intimate apparel drawers a total overhaul. Now when I open them, I see a cluster of color and sparkle. I am excited to embark on this new journey and will keep you posted on how I make out.

I do want to put a call out to the intimate apparel stores like La Senza, La Vie en Rose, Victoria Secret etc. PLEASE adopt a REAL-size line of products and marketing that reflects today’s REAL women! Come on people…full figured women like to feel pretty underneath their clothes too.

What does your panty drawer look like? Is it in need of a total overhaul? Do you think your under garments play a role in how hot you feel, no matter your size? Do you believe sexy and comfy can co-exist in intimate apparel? Do you save your fabulous knickers for those special occasions? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Missed Connections…can you spot the fake?

After last week’s Missed Connections post, Jenny Hansen and I got together and started having an inordinate amount of fun with it. And y’all know we just had to share the laughs with our blogosphere family. I mean…keeping this fun to ourselves wouldn’t be right!

Below, enjoy 5 Missed Connections. I was going to feature just 3 but man; there are so many good ones out there I couldn’t pair it down. So…enjoy 5 Missed Connections. 4 of them are REAL and 1 is fake (written by yours truly and I promise, is entirely a fraud…I am not secretly plotting my escape from hubby). Can you spot the fake? Take a crack at it and vote.

Note: in tomorrow’s post, I will let you know which ones are real and pay due homage with linky love galore.

When you’ve voted here, be sure to head over and see what Ms. Jenny has in store for you!

Missed Connection #1: I missed you…shit

I saw you twice on your bycycle.
You parked it and was talking to another gentleman.
I winked at you while you were smoking a cigarette.(You have a pink back pack).
I did not want to crash your conversation so I walked on.
The guy you were talking to said you showed interest in me.
I held back and waited for him to leave as it just seemed the thing to do.
You left your bycycle tied up and you were gone.
Bummer..I really wanted to get together with you.
Hot short jean shorts and a pretty face.
You’ll probably never see this this but for those who read this post it may head a warning of lost opportunity.

Missed Connection #2: The big blue box

Hey. Do you remember a few weeks ago when I helped you with that weird thing. You asked me to join you in your big blue box for some adventures. I wish I hadn’t declined. Maybe you’re reading this and remember me, if you do please contact me. I’d love to be your companion.

Missed Connection #3: To the cute guy in lime green tank at gym by 6 am

We work out at the same gym. You’re almost always there when I go. Usually on the treadmill or stair master around 6 am. I bet I could bounce quarters off your ass, it’s so tight! We’ve chit chatted. I try to keep my composure. You have no idea that while making small talk, all I can think about is pouring honey down your chiselled chest and licking it off as it trails down your treasure trail. You always smile at me and I hope this means you feel the chemistry to. Maybe you want to pour chocolate on parts of me? I am to shy to ask you out. Today you were wearing tight black shorts with a light green tank. It showed off your great build and great complexion. I wanted to spank you. If you are reading this and you’d like to go for a walk sometime, respond and tell me what I was wearing today.

Missed Connection #4: Just can’t get my head around

The fact you didn’t bother to tell me your actual name before sleeping with me.
You simply cannot imagine the horror of seeing your name changed on your
e-mail address the following day. What kind of person fails to mention their
name and then says we were never introduced? If it was that bad why didn’t
you stop? I told you I had been abused and you just ignored it. What did you
expect? I was nervous you knew that. You’d f*ck me but not be my friend if
it wasn’t perfect the first time. Either you used me or you are simply the most
self centered immature jerk I’ve ever allowed close to me

Missed Connection #5: You stuck my flash drive in your vagina

You stuck my flash drive in your vagina. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I don’t think this is a fad sweeping the city, so this one’s for you.
We met at a Millcreek Tavern. You said you were from Lancaster. You were beautiful, you liked me. It was perfect. But then…
We went back to my apartment. We watched The Breakfast Club. You had never seen it before. We then ended up in my bed, as planned. And had sex, as planned.
You looked beautiful half covered in my sheets when I left to use the bathroom. When I came back, this is what I saw:
You standing naked at my computer. You with your hand on the keyboard, not typing. You grabbing the flash drive.
The flash drive pops out.
You look at it.
You squat a little bit.
You insert it into your vagina, like a tampon.
I am speechless.
You proceed to get dressed, say you have to go home, and leave. The number you gave me doesn’t work.
I am confused. I’d like to see you again. I’d like to see my flash drive again.
Your name is Rebecca. You have long blond hair.
Please get in touch. I am a very understanding person.

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There you have it. A whole lot of Miss Connection fun. Can you stop laughing long enough to spot the fake?

Check back here tomorrow where I will let you know the fakes for BOTH mine and Jenny’s blog along with links to the real ones. I wonder if y’all will guess right?!

Which Missed Connection had you ROFL the most?

Don’t forget to keep on laughing over at Jenny’s blog today where she’s having a little Missed Connections fun of her own. And watch Jenny’s blog on Friday where you and she are going to work together to give me some fabulous material for an outrageous post next Monday!

Ever experience a Missed Connection and wish you’d have spoken out and seized the day? Know anyone who got together after a Missed Connection reconnection? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Hubby’s Corner: One person’s junk is another person’s treasure!

Here at HC Headquarters we’ve previously detailed the relationship differences of Hot vs Cold.  Today we are dumpster diving head first into the relationship difference of Junk vs Treasure.

I’ve been a die-hard dumpster diver from as far back as I remember. It all started back when I was a kid and my father would take me along to our weekly dump run. While Dad was off-loading a truck full of boring garbage bags, I was lost in a fantasy world of wrecked metal cars and scrap metal looking for that one significant object that could be used for unimaginable fun; building something uber-cool! The possibilities – endless!

After the truck was empty, I’d throw my treasures in the back and Dad would always chuckle and say “I came to drop garbage off – not bring it home!

And that’s where it all began…

My sweet wife Natalie – let’s just say, does not share the same vision and imagination when it comes to my “treasures.”  She likes things fashionable – great packaging – showroom condition and top shelf all the way!

More than once I’ve brought something home from walking the dog on garbage night. Only to hear “they threw it out for a reason!

{Note from Natalie: let us not mention the broke-ass screen tent that you brought home and spent hours putting together only to discover, it really was a piece of shit. Don’t even get me started on the junk Christmas tree stand you insisted was fine. Might I remind you of the pine needle explosion followed by the emergency trip to the hardware store to pay top dollar for the last remaining deluxe tree stand that you tip your hat to every. single. Christmas! I will however concede that the washing machine inner drum that you literally dumpster dove for WAS in fact…genius! It served us for many a wonderful fires. All that to say…the treasures do NOT outweigh the trash albeit, the adventures are always good for a zillion laughs! And ain’t that what life’s really all about.}

One of many “treasure” signs you can find at the Flea Market

Our differences in this area were never more apparent than recently when I took Natalie to the NB Antique Auto Club annual flea market in Sussex. This place had it all; $5 parking, $10 admission, food vendors, and a full afternoon of junk treasure exploration in the 4-6 hours range. There was bounty as far as the eye could see.

We are talking knick-knacks, antiques, car parts, etc. Anything my wildest imagination could muster – I’m sure it was there…and up to me to uncover and discover.

Then I saw it – THE LOOK – it was the same look I got when I returned from walking the dog on garbage night. Similar to Lynnette Conroy’s Look of Death!

It was then that I knew that my little Love Peddle…my Flower…was not having it and not feeling the same excitement and magic as I was. I will say, my little Trooper held on for a full 2 hours below waving the white flag!

We still had a great day together holding hands and laughing. And as I walked through the flea market, I recalled the day we first met….and I realized Natalie must have been dumpster diving and thought to herself “one significant object that could be used for unimaginable fun; building something uber-cool! The possibilities – endless!“ when she stumbled upon me.

And I obviously thought to myself “hmmm! Fashionable – great packaging – showroom condition and top shelf all the way!

So I guess we aren’t that different after all and one person’s junk IS another person’s treasure!

What are some of the different quirks or interests between you and your partner that you indulge? Do either of you like to dumpster dive or hit flea markets? What trash treasures have you brought home? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Solved: the case of the angry bird

In June I told you how I have been living with an angry bird for what feels like forever. It’s been at least one year (maybe closer to two) that I’ve been tormented by chronic bladder infections and a burning vajayjay that’s kept my lustful Fifty Shades of Grey inner sex Goddess at bay.

I’m happy to report, my Goddess divine (who has no scruples when it comes to this sort of thing) finally kicked that burning bird to the curb and we’ve been living burn-free for over a MONTH people! That’s like an eternity in burn-free days!

I didn’t come across the fix right away. After I read all your amazing suggestions, I thought that perhaps I had taking so many anti-biotics, that my vajayjay was like a war zone with all my good bacteria lying down like fallen and wounded soldiers in the field. Perhaps my vaginal canal was a hostile environment? So I promptly headed out to treat the ol’ girl right.

I started with an oral treatment for a yeast infection (just in case). I made probiotics my new BFF ingesting 16 billion live cultures of acidophilus every day. Not to mention the Greek yogurt and berries fetish I’ve developed. I gave up my deliciously, wonderful baths (this has been like torture in and of itself…I love my bath time!) AND…torture number 2…Hubby and I abstained from bumping nasties for two. whole. weeks.

The night came to see if all our hard work paid off. With bated breath we got down to business and BAM…she’s BACKKKKK!! The burning bearded clam returned with a vengeance. I swear flames were firing out of her. I was desolate. Hubby was depressed. I just about gave up. What else could I try?

I was just about to resort to a yogurt douche when a conversation with a BFF years ago came to mind. One of my friends in a similar situation was told by her gynecologist to try olive oil as a lubricant, instead of the store-bought versions.

Hmmmm…ya think?!?!

Was our trusted Astroglide to blame for the past two years of BURN?

I didn’t want to get mine and hubby’s hopes up again. But at this point, we had nothing to lose and everything to gain. So….with great trepidation, hubby and I made the switch. We brought the olive oil from the kitchen to the bedroom and I’m happy to report we’ve been cooking up burn-free banging ever since.

The case of the angry bird….SOLVED!

Who knew…olive oil??? It’s not only heart healthy in the kitchen and great for amazing face and body at-home spa treatments; you can use it to make tasty taco salads in the bedroom as well. This stuff’s gold!

Picked up some EXTRA VIRGIN just for hubby!

What’s your favorite bedroom lubricant? Had you ever heard of using olive oil when you get between the sheets? What other amazing things do you use olive oil for? Come on…share the wealth….

More blog deliciousness here:

What do your shoes say about you?

I think clothes have a big impact on a person’s first impression about who we are. They are a very in-your-face, visual statement. And whether right or wrong, people likely make assumptions about who we are based on their interpretation of our clothing. Am I a girlie girl, comfort is key, designer all the way baby, hiking is my thing, or tomboy kind of gal. Does she dress like me? Do I wish I dressed like her? Does she dress like my brother?

So what about our shoes? I mean, don’t they speak volumes as well? I know I don’t always do a close inspection but I can say that a nice pair of shoes always catch my eye (same with a fab purse but we’ll dive into that another time).

So I did a little research to see what my shoes say about me and you know what? Most of it was pretty bang on. I turned to two sources, millionlooks.com and sulekha.com, for the shoe personality deets.

Pumps & Comfies – 40% wear rate

At my day job, where I put in about 40 hours a week, I usually wear comfortable pumps or wedges. If we have a swanky event or an important meeting etc, I might dress it up but for the most part, comfort is key.

What they say about me?

Comfortable sexiness. Women who wear wedge shoes are usually straightforward, confident and love power. However, when it comes to decision-making they tend to hesitate. In relationships they seek for reliability and trust. The person who wears platform shoes relays the same confidence and sexiness as stilettos, but under a more practical and sure-footed nature. It also denotes ambition and determination.

Dead on! I definitely have confidence (not so sure about the love power thing), sexiness, practical, ambition and determination. Amen to that. And I do hesitate when making decisions.

Flats (or close to flat) – 30% wear rate (it’d be higher IF our summers were longer)

I know, I know, you’ll all be stunned but I do own a number of flats or close to flat flats. I love my flip-flops, low-heeled sandals, Birkenstocks, and my dreadfully ugly, yet wonderfully comfortable, loafers (even hubby said UGH when I bought them). These are what I wear to the mall, to go shopping, when hitting a movie, or just touring around.

What they say about me?

Dandy-girl. If you like loafers and Oxford shoes you belong to a group of women who are undemonstrative and prefer hiding their feelings even if their souls are in flames. Flats-lovers are usually sweet, friendly and a little boring. Women who like flats are usually great fashionistas who are fond of wearing new clothes.

The flat shoe/sandal wearer is steady and grounded in life. This person is often energetic; high paced, and exudes a zest for experiencing life to the fullest. On the other hand, flip-flops symbolize a youthful, mellow, and money-conscious, person. While maybe considered a bit unpolished at times, the flip-flop bearer is easy to please, and even easier to get along with.

Ok, so I am soooo not undemonstrative nor do I hide my feelings while my soul is burned in flames. LOL! And I don’t think I am even close to boring. And I know a ton of “flat” wearers who would never be classified as boring so that’s definitely way off the mark! But….I would consider myself a great fashionista, LOVE LOVE LOVE new clothes and HELL yes I am easy to please and get along with (SHUT UP Hubby!!)!

Stilettos – 15% wear rate

I know…shocking I don’t wear them more often, eh?! You already know I love anything that sparkles so I definitely have more than my fair share of stunning stilettos with oodles of bling. But I don’t wear them every single day. I find them comfortable in a wear-for-couple-hours kind of way. But these aren’t shoes I could do for 8 or 10 hours in while at work. These are the shoes I break out when we head out on the town, dancing, or on vacation.

What they say about me?

Stiletto as a weapon. If you love stilettos you are most likely a vivid and extraordinary person who longs for attention. You can be capricious and a bit spoiled but you always get what you want. You are confident about your powers and sex appeal. However, some people take you as a silly and shallow girl.

The stiletto, i.e., height is often associated with power, self-indulgence, and pride. It signifies that its wearer is assertive of their sexuality and personality and is not afraid to show it. The stiletto demands attention, and the more flashy it appears, the more pain it may inflict, as it walks over whoever or whatever stands in the way of getting what it wants.

The first paragraph is likely quite bang on although I don’t think people take me as silly and shallow but hey, maybe when I am stilettos, they do?!?! On a good note, in regards to paragraph 2, I don’t own many super HIGH stilettos. Most of mine range from 2 to 3.5 inches. I am not a 5-inch stiletto-wearing crazy person! And a lot of mine are somewhat platform making them even LESS high to my feet.

Boots – 10% wear rate

I have a slight obsession with boots; tall, low, stiletto, wedge, open-toe – you name it, I love them all. I could happily fill my closet with them delightful treasures. That being said, most of my fancy books only get brought out for special occasions, while the more comfy versions (wedge or low heeled) get paired up with jeans for just about any occasion – shopping, dinner with friends etc. So the wear rate could be a bit higher.

What they say about me?

Biker-style queen. You are reserved and a bit egocentric. You don’t trust people and prefer doing everything yourself. But at the same time you are smart and sensitive and often worry about your relations with other people. You get sincerely surprised with rudeness and inadequate behavior.

OMG hubby is going to read this and say I should be wearing boots 90% of the time – egocentric, prefer doing everything myself?!?! YIP!! But on the positive, I am smart and sensitive at the same time.

Sneakers – 5% wear rate

I am not a huge sneaker wearing girl. This is probably because I am not overly athletic but I do own a pair or two for going for walk, sporting stuff, or for heading out to the camp.

What they say about me?

Tomboy. Girls who have a weak point about sporty footwear are normally creative and sociable. They love traveling and feel extremely bored when routine makes them stay at the same place for long. You need to always be among people who love and respect you. The sneaker wearer is hip, youthful, playful and busy.

Ok…I’ll take that. Maybe I need to wear these more often!

So let’s summarize. Basically my shoes say that:

At work during the day, I am comfortable sexiness. I am straightforward, confident and love power but struggle with making decisions.

At home and at play, I am, for the most part, a dandy-girl big into fashion and wearing new clothes. I prefer stability and security to being a big risk taker. I am energetic; high paced, and exude a zest for experiencing life to the fullest.

When I am going out on the town or vacation, that’s when my vivid and extraordinary side comes out to play; always longing for attention. I am confident about my powers and sex appeal and I want to be unique and make a statement everywhere I go.

But on the flip side, I can also be a bit of a biker chick/tomboy. I get a little egocentric and prefer doing everything myself. I get bored and want to go go go! I invest in my relationship with others.

What do you think? Is the shoe/personality analysis dead on? Do the descriptions match your personality and style? What do your shoes say about you?

More blog deliciousness here:

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