Death by swimming…in the garage?

So y’all know that hubby and I beat ourselves up weekly in Death by Swimming. After a summer of overindulging in bountiful BBQ and beers, come September through April we actually voluntarily sign-up for an hourly weekly fitness swimming class (the class is actually designed with triathletes in mind…please note, we are NOT even close to triathletes). Every Monday evening, we drag our summer pudged bodies to the local indoor swimming pool where our militant coach issues swimming orders like a well trained captain! Up and down the pool we go as if being chased by sharks. Wheezing, weak and weary, we battle the bulge, foggy goggles and skin-tight swim gear does nothing for the gunt…it’s no Spanks…just sayin’.

Another glorious part to Death by Swimming is the pool walk of shame. Since our class takes place along the far end of the pool, we are forced to trudge our flabby folds past the toddlers and teenagers in training. But that’s not the worse part, because they could care less. It’s their fabulous folks all sitting high up in the viewing hall that makes this a walk of shame.

I try to hold my head high and “work the runway” as always but I gotta say people…wearing the swimsuit from hell and my latex swim cap that’s earned me the nickname “Foreskin”, it’s tough to feel high fashion.

But fear not, I have found the solution.

Meet, the swimmer’s treadmill, by Hammacher Schlemmer.

Now I realize here in New Brunswick, the outdoor pool season is a bit short given that fall and winter weather make it near impossible to be outside, let alone in a pool. But…at only 65 square feet, we could set the swimmer’s treadmill up in our garage (I didn’t want to park the car there anyway…I actually enjoy cleaning off 10 feet of snow every morning) meaning YEAR-ROUND swimming people.

With a harness that wraps around a swimmer’s waist (22 to 42 inches) and flexible elastic tether, the contraption suspends the swimmer in the water so he/she can actually swim laps…all in the space of an SUV. How uberlicious is THAT?!

This means year-round, any-day-of-the-week swimming. And no more pool walks of shame. I mean hell; I could even train in the buff if I wanted to. A new tune comes to mind: it’s my garage and I’ll swim in the nude if I want to.

At 4 and 1/2 feet tall, it can be filled with 1500 gallons of fresh, chlorinated or saltwater and it comes with a pump and filter which maintains optimal water cleanliness. A built-in ladder provides easy entries and exit. Although I’m hoping hubby could hook me up with some kind of jungle rope so I could have some real fun getting in and out. Or maybe rig something up with the garage door opener?!?!?

Wait…it gets better. It also provides varying resistance for stronger strokes or kicks with more resistance. I mean…we don’t get THAT at Death by Swimming!

The swimmer’s treadmill is supported by a sturdy powder-coated steel frame, the pool’s liner is made from rip- and tear-resistant PVC-coated 2,000-denier polyester fabric and the included floor mat provides further protection for the pool’s bottom. Not to mention, if it’s in the garage and we have a little leak, just open the door. Voila! And…it requires no special plumbing or electrical.

As a little bonus, THINK of the garage parties we could have with this. Pull out the harness contraption, toss in the floaties and the remote control hostess and BAM…it’s pool party time in December!

I  mean…where else are can you get an indoor pool for $1400?!?! After 14 swimming classes (about 3.5 years), it’d be paying for itself. Hell, we could even rent it hourly to friends and family to recoup cost.

I say brilliant! Who’s with me?

What kind of in-home fitness equipment do you have? Would you consider a swimmer’s treadmill? Help me convince hubby this is a must have for us. Come on…share the wealth…

It’s Twisted Tuesday and that means it’s time to enjoy a smile, giggle or laugh…here’s hoping I’ve provided it in spades…enjoy!

More blog deliciousness here:

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Orgasm through…exercise???

A couple of weeks ago hubby sent me this link on a new study that found that some women can achieve orgasm by working out. I think he was hoping this might motivate me to hit the gym but the thought of having a “When Harry Met Sally” restaurant moment at the gym doesn’t really appeal to me. I know…I am such a prude!

But seriously, according to the news story, researchers at Indiana University surveyed 124 women who claimed to have experienced exercise-induced orgasms (EIO), also known as “coregasms,” and 246 who experienced exercise-induced sexual pleasure (EISP).

There are a lot of things I experience when working out but none of them even come close to eliciting any kind of pleasure.

The researchers found that most women have no control over their coregasms, weren’t fantasizing or looking at anyone they were attracted to when it happened, and most said it made them feel uncomfortable working out in public.

Ya think?! Now every time I hear a woman grunting or moaning while working out, I’m gonna wonder if it’s from pain or pleasure.

Researchers found that the most coregasm-inducing exercises were:

  • 51.4% during or after abdominal exercise
  • 26.5% weightlifting
  • 20% yoga
  • 15.8% bike riding
  • 13.2% running
  • 9.6% walking or hiking

I gotta say, over my lifetime I’ve done nearly all of these workouts and have never experienced a coregasm or any exercise-induced sexual pleasure. Maybe if I had, I would have stuck with my workouts. Hmmmm….

Do you think exercise has the potential to enhance women’s sex lives? Ever experienced a coregasm? Would you hit the gym more often, or less often, if you did? Come on…share the wealth…

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ROW80 – Round 1 – check-in 8

Time for Sunday’s ROW80 progress update.

Writing Goals:

  • Complete outline of WIP
  • Write 1750 words a week, on average 250 words a day (can be on WIP or other writings like flash fiction, character development, world building etc)
    1866 words total for this week
  • Finish James Scott Bell book
  • Read 2 other writing craft books
    Save the Cat arrived and Will Write for Shoes: How to Write a ChickLit Novel is on its way (thanks Nicole!)

Social Media Goals:

  • Blog – post 4 times a week
    4 posts – total word count:1959
  • Blog – post ROW80 progress reports twice a week (Sunday and Wednesday)
    Done
  • Tweet/Comment on at least 10 blogs a week
    Done
  • Comment on 1 new blog per week (ROW80 or otherwise)
    Done

Healthy Lifestyle Goals:

  • Cardio – 3 times a week (Monday, Wednesday, Saturday)
    Done
  • BowFlex – 3 times a week (Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday)
    2 this week
  • Maintain a daily food/migraine journal
    Done!

The wins:

  • Met my writing goals.
  • Finalized my next two craft books – although not sure if I’ll get them read in this round?!?!?
  • Rocked the social media.
  • Nearly killed all my fitness/healthy living goals.

Where to improve:

  • Gotta find a balance between reading fiction and reading craft books.
  • Gotta make sure I get my weights in 3 times!

How are you making out with your ROW80 goals?

Death by swimming

Photo: SXC

Hubby and I live in New Brunswick, Canada and therefore, we are tortured blessed to have the opportunity to experience the glory of winter. White fluffy snow shimmers like diamonds for 4 or 5 months a year. Hubby and I build snowmen, make snow angels and hold hands frolicking and skipping through it every day (not)!

Snowstorms dump anywhere from 10 to 15 centimeters of snow (which is a considered a light sprinkling, I might add) every week for about 20 weeks coupled with a dozen or more “real” snowstorms of 30+ centimeters. And it’s not like it melts away the next day, no siree. The white stuff just adds up and adds up until your driveway is a tiny one-lane roadway that your vehicle hardly gets through with 12 foot mountains of the white shit on either side. It’s sick!

Honestly, it starts snowing sometime in November/December and it doesn’t stop until late March (we’ve actually been known to get 30+ snowstorms in April…seriously…no joke). And if that wasn’t enough, throughout the 20-week snowstorm marathon we will endure -20 to -30 degree Celsius temperatures (and don’t forget it’ll actually feel like -40 to -50 with the freaking wind chill…gotta love wind chill) and reduced sunlight (it’s dark when you get up and leave for work and dark by the time you get home). No wonder we turn into real grump bags.

Now, don’t get me wrong; hubby and I work hard to make the best of it. We enjoy downhill skiing, cross-country skiing, snow shoeing etc. But honestly, there’s only so much freezing your ass off trudging through the snow that you can take before you get a hate-on for all things winter.

In comes the annual trip south; our winter coping mechanism.

Hubby and I got married April 2010 in the Dominican Republic and we’ve been addicts ever since. Our annual 2-week trip south is our very own “you don’t really notice winter” kind of drug. It gives us hope; something to look forward to as we endure yet again, another snowstorm. We even say to each other “oh well…we can take this 40-50 centimeter storm, it’s only 70 more sleeps till we are basking in the sun on a white sandy beach!” Voila. It’s like winter beer goggles!

The only bad thing (and I say bad but it’s probably a pretty good thing) is that the trip south has made us very aware of our…well…pudge factor. A summer and fall at the camp has equated to about 20 pounds of fun on my thighs and ass and on hubby’s tummy.

So this year, in preparation for “the” trip (and in the name of fitting into our summer clothes and the bikinis – my bikinis, not hubby’s), hubby signed us up for an 8-week fitness swimming class. The class description said it was for anyone wanting “to increase their swimming fitness.”

Perfect! When south, we do lots of swimming so not only will this help with fitness and weight loss, it’ll help us increase our stamina for snorkeling – fahhbulous, right?!?!

Our first indication should have been when hubby signed us up for the class. He stepped up to the cash and told the lady what he was there to register for.

 “Wonderful, are you and your wife training for a triathlon?” she asked.

Ummmmm…hubby (at 6’3” and 280 pounds) is no tiny man and he carries his weight primarily in the belly region.

Hubby looked at her, grinned, and slowly opened his jacket.

“Do I look like I am training for a triathlon?” he replied.

The cashier giggled.

“What am I getting us into?” hubby asked.

“Oh no no no…you guys will be fine! Absolutely! No worries.”

Yikes. But how hard could it be?

It’s water; beautiful and silky, in a gorgeous pool making everything blue and luxurious. It draws me in. I have visions of slicing through the water with ease. My swim strokes graceful and fluid. People commenting on what a natural I am; dolphin-like with speed and agility.

Ummmmmmm…not so much!

After three weeks, I am now convinced that the devil is reincarnated in this swimming pool! He likes to reach up and torture me with continuous toe, feet, and calf cramps not to mention the awkward flailing and near drownings. Every muscle in my body screams bloody murder. I swear as we drive up to the pool, a revolution starts taking place on the inside and body parts refuse to move. It’s death by swimming.

Seriously. The shit we do to get/stay in shape! I swear, if I manage to achieve any kind of fitness level and/or weight loss, I am NOT letting myself get so far gone again because this is painful!!!

How do you handle getting back into shape? What do you do to help get you through tough weather seasons?

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