Urban Word Wednesday: Cropnihilation

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME, hubby…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Cropnihilation (by hubby): the dirty grandfather of cropdusting (the act of farting WHILE walking; leaving a trail behind yourself). Cropnihilation is cropdusting on speed.

Examples Of Use:

If y’all follow hubby on Facebook, you saw his recent post on his experience at Sobey’s yesterday.

Hubby shared this little ditty with me after work while we were waiting in line at Canadian Tire. He also told it with a little more…flare! Had me howling!

Hubby: I think I need to take a shower before cooking supper.

Me: why? Rough day at work?

Hubby: I went to Sobeys today and was following about 10 feet behind an old fella when all of a sudden he balled up his fist and coughed. At the same time, he let out the loudest, largest fart I’ve ever heard! It was insane and RIGHT in front of me. I couldn’t get around it even if I wanted to. I had to walk right into it!

Me: OMG the old dude totally cropdusted you…that’s hilarious.

Hubby: ok, A) it’s not funny and B) that was no cropdust honey…that was a cropnihilation! He might as well of sat on my face. He might as well shit ON me!

*I couldn’t stop laughing at this point*

Hubby: I feel dirty and violated!

 Me: you should definitely sanitize when we get home!

Ever been cropnihilated or even cropdusted? Ever been the perpetrator? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

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Urban Word Wednesday: Fartability

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Fartability: the odds that a food will cause noxious gas that is harmful to living things and injurious to health.

Examples Of Use:

I don’t know about you but depending on what he eats, hubby can get…well…I am just gonna say it. He gets GASSY! I am talking clear the room kind of gas. I swear, when it comes out of his ass, its yellow and toxic looking. When he drops one of his famous ass blasters, I yell “bomb,” grab my gas mask and hit the floor.

Now me on the other hand, I rarely have that issue. And on the odd occasion when I do have a wee bit of flatulence, they are more like little unnoticeable fluffs of air. A tiny toot that mostly goes unnoticed. Now hubby is likely to come on here and post all kinds of comments arguing to the contrary but don’t give it a moment’s attention. Lies. All lies!

Anyway, so giving hubby’s tendency to cut cheese like nobody’s business, we often evaluate our dinner options for their fartability factor. So Hubby and I were at a local restaurant this past weekend pondering what deliciousness to devour. While the waitress waited to take hubby’s order, we enjoyed a little urban word fun and watched her giggle over our convo.

Hubby: hmmmm…I just don’t know. I am torn between getting a pizza or a donair.

Me: both sounds sooo good. I could do either so you pick.

Hubby: well, the fartability factor for the donair is quite high. I’d rate it extreme deadliness on the fartability factor scale. While the pizza rates more like a medium to low risk although it does give me heartburn. 

Me: well are you planning to work in the garage tonight or watch TV? Cause if you are going to the garage, it’s your prerogative but if you want to watch TV with me upstairs, ya best opt for the pizza.

Hubby: and…I suppose the fartability factor could have a negative impact on foreplay potential????

Me: yes, the two are directly related so…it’s your call.

Hubbypizza it is!

Ever think about the fartability factor when ordering food? Does your significant other clear the room with their toxic gas? What’s the most embarrassing place you’ve let one fly (accidentally of course)? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Stinky flatulence got you down? No more!

So y’all know I can run into some issues with gas when I wrote about my fartriliquist abilities! I mean who doesn’t fart? There’s no way around it. It’s a bodily function we all deal with. It’s just unfortunate that sometimes we deal with it at the most inopportune time. Yikes!

I won’t lie. I’ve been faced with embarrassing situations where it was stay home with a case of raunchy gas or make it to a family gathering.

Or what about those times when you go to a friend’s house for dinner (with a bunch of other couples no less) and for whatever reason, the meal enjoyed reeks havoc on your system. Do you leave early and go home to be alone with your foulness or stay and pray you can pinch it off all night?

And what about those little doozies that sneak out with no dog to blame it on?

Or how about at work? You are in a meeting with just you and another person when you feel the gurgle and know in your butt of butts, it ain’t gonna be pretty. Pretty hard to put my fartriliquism abilities to good use when there’s just two of us in a meeting. Yikes!

You know what I am talking about. You know the shame.

Well my good friend Angela Orlowski-Peart turned me onto a new product that’s gonna relieve all of us from our fear of the smelly fart. Meet the Subtle Butt; disposable gas neutralizers.

Never be embarrassed by ‘escaped’ gas again!

Can I get an amen to that!?!

The ‘discreet,’ antimicrobial pad sticks to your underwear (even thongs) so you can relax and let er’ fly. Any odor is neutralized by the activated carbon layer. Now all you need to worry about is keeping it quiet. There’s even a product demo video (good luck keeping a straight face watching this)!

 

Honestly, what can a person say after that?!?!

You can order a packet of 5 subtle butts for just $11.95 each here. I might have to take out stocks in the company to cover the amount hubby and I would need to purchase but y’all might fare out ok.

How do you handle gas issues? Think you’ll try Subtle Butt or stick to blaming it on the dog? Any embarrassing farting stories to tell? Come on…share the wealth!

It’s Twisted Tuesday and that means it’s time to enjoy a smile, giggle or laugh…here’s hoping I’ve provided it in spades…enjoy!

More blog deliciousness here:

  • The love doctors (Piper Bayard and Holmes) are at it again with their romance fantastic advice – hysterical!
  • Poor Myndi Shafer shared her grocery store visit story with us. Hilarious to read but likely not so fun in person. LOL!
  • Did you see Kathy Owen’s post with Isabella Beeton and Martha Stewart where they square off on fine dining tips. Part I and Part II were a riot!
  • Yesterday Jenny Hansen did a fabulously funny post about why bodily functions are funny, including farting (or larting in her case).

Urban Word Wednesday: Fartriliquism

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME, hubby…and…the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Fartriliquism: the art of farting near someone in a large group and making it appear that someone else in the group is the farter.

Examples Of Use:

Hubby and I were grabbing a healthy lunch at Pita Pit on Saturday when we enjoyed the following conversation.

Me: hey hubby, remember when we saw Jeff Dunham last week?

Hubby: yeah! Why?

Me: well you know how he was an amazing ventriloquist?

Hubby: yeah, he was amazing, why?!?!

Me: well I have a talent similar to Jeff’s.

Hubby: oh yeah, what’s that?

Me: I am a master in the art of fartriliquism!

Hubby: what in the god’s name is that???

Me: well…do you smell that???

Hubby: yeah….

Me: well that was me. But everyone in here thinks it was you! Heehee

Me: I can throw my farts. In large groups of people, I add in a “nose turned up” disgusted look to someone two or three people over from me to really make the throw authentic. No joke; I’ve tried it and it works every time! Not to mention, no one ever suspects a girl!! I am a master fartriliquist!

Hubby: you are sick and demented!

Me: I wonder if Jeff will add me to his show???? EEEKEE!! I’ll be famous!!!

Hubby: I doubt it!!

Me: whatever! You are just jealous of my many talents!

Are you a fartriliquist? How do you cover fluffing in public? Do you make it look like it was someone else, ignore the obvious, or fess up with an “excuse me”?

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