The Beauty of a Young Widow’s Libido #BOAW2018

The-Beauty-of-a-Woman-BlogFest-VII-1-768x768What a treat today folks. A GUEST post! Squeeeeee…This post is part of The Beauty of a Woman BlogFest VII! To read more entries, and potentially win a fun prize, visit the fest page on August’s McLaughlin’s site between today and 11pm PST March 9th.

So please give a warm welcome to the lovely Dee.  Take it away Dee…

When I was widowed in my early(ish) forties, no one told me what would happen to my libido.heart1

I’d been married for over twenty years. We’d had decent sex—he always took care of me before he took care of himself. It was more of a chore for me, honestly, and we never called it making love. (Sad but true.) His unrealistic ideas of sex were fed by his lack of experience before marriage and an addiction to porn. Without going into details, the chore became dread.

After he passed away, I took care of things myself when I felt urges again. If you know what I mean…

heart3Well, things were explosive. What the heck had happened to my body?! I read a few anecdotal stories from other widows online that said the same thing: Not only did they crave sex, they wanted it a lot. They even liked it.

It was strange to think I wanted sex after hating it for so many years, and the thought of entering the dating scene made my skin crawl.

There are so many weird expectations for young widows from society. If we start dating, then it’s “too soon” after the loss of our spouses or we’re supposed to be these stoic live-alone people to honor our husbands forever. The time for overly-conservative Victorian norms for widows is done. Every widowed person should decide for themselves how to grieve and live life and when to date (or not).

When a long-time friend of mine asked me out, I was surprised. I didn’t feel beautiful or lovable or even dateable. It was nice to be asked, and I was very attracted to him. I went out with him. One date at a time. The electricity and chemistry between us was staggering as we fell in love. Strangers complimented us on how adorable we were together. I felt beautiful for the first time in years.heart2

The more time we spent together, the more I knew I wanted to be intimate with him. What if I hated sex? I was nervous, and so he was patient.

We began slowly and took our time. We talked about things we liked and what we wanted to try together. Our explorations have been beautiful and tender and affectionate. I often have multiple orgasms. Intense, mind-numbing, gorgeous orgasms.

Love making. Making love. Those phrases accurately describe our experiences together. I finally understand the meaning and don’t feel awkward saying them.

heart3I’m so happy that I opened myself up to experience love again. Our relationship is beautifully based on our long friendship, and our intimacy reflects how much we love each other.

Widowhood is different for every woman, depending on so many factors. If you’re a widow, allow yourself to make your own path on your own time. Don’t be afraid to fall in love again if that’s something you want. If you’re not a widow, allow widows you know to live life without judgment.

Dee is the author at widowshmidow.com, which she started as a way to share that not every widow misses her former life. And, in some cases, she might be relieved to escape an abusive situation. While she still grieves the man he became on his deathbed, her marriage ended the moment he passed away. She is free to be herself and not someone he’d tried to force her to be. She loves her kids, her boyfriend, her dogs, and laughter.

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Comments

  1. Natalie, thanks so much for having me! I’m thrilled to be here on your blog with a BOAW post!

  2. Who are we, as a society, to judge a woman’s sexual awakening or responses to loss or grief? Both are very personal, and as we’re all individuals, of course we handle thing’s differently! Glad you got your groove on! Life is too short.

    • Thanks for the supportive comment, Kitt! I tell you what–nothing surprised me more than finding out that I still have a groove. 🙂

  3. It’s so important for women to know it’s not too late to change things up! This is a beautiful post about learning to love your body again! Get it, grrrl! ❤

  4. Reading about your multiple orgasms gave me skin-gasms (i.e. chills)!!! I’m so thrilled for you, Dee. You deserve that kind of mind-blowing love-making. I’m so glad to hear you’re savoring it, and so grateful that you’re passing the grace to do so on to others with this post. (Actually “grateful” doesn’t begin to cover it!) I’m eager to follow your work!

    • Thank you so much, August! I was pretty shy about sharing this part of my story, but you and Natalie have been so kind to give me the perfect place to do so. Everyone deserves that kind of love-making!

  5. So much judgment around widows. It makes no sense to me because falling in love is falling in love, and there is no time schedule. I’m delighted that you are enjoying a fulfilling and active sex life. Multiple orgasms, yes! As a woman in her 66th year, I assure you that sex is integral to being human at any age so you have years of enjoyment ahead. We are sexual beings. I really enjoyed your post.

    • I really like the idea of having years of enjoyment in our future. Whew! *fans face* Makes me blush (in a not-at-all-embarrassed way) just thinking about it. I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Happy Festing!

  6. geethanehemia says:

    Psyched you wrote this piece. I too am widowed and am living the erotic, loving life of my dreams. Glad to hear that you are too!

  7. This is a very sensitive and still open blog post. I enjoyed the read and the information, not only about being a widow but also about you, as a personality. 🙂

    • Thank you for the kind words! I’m so glad you enjoyed it and found it informational. I hope my words help others see themselves as capable and lovable–I think it applies to everyone even, not just widows. I love your last part about me “as a personality.” You have no idea how much that made my day.

  8. Thank you so much for sharing Dee. I agree with KM, there is no timetable for love! No one has a right to judge your relationship because it’s not their life to live! Keep doing you Dee 🙂

    • Thanks, Erica! I so appreciate your comment. “Keep doing you…” I’m working on that everyday. I’ve learned new things and rediscovered so much about myself in these last few years. 🙂

  9. I was fortunate enough to have sometimes mind-blowing, multiple-orgasm sex with my late husband. But….there was pressure to do things I didn’t want to do, or do things, and have sex, more often than I wanted to, and there is a certain freedom in not having to know I’m disappointing someone I love.

    I do feel my libido returning. I’m closer to 50 than 40, but I’m post-menopausal, and my kids are old enough that I have time to explore. The last few months of my husband’s life didn’t include much sex, so it’s been longer than the not quite two months since his death since I’ve enjoyed sex with anyone but myself…and that’s something else that might get missed, if people diss widows for wanting a partner – she may have been involuntarily abstinent for considerably longer than it might seem.

    I was a faithful, committed, good wife for over 20 years. When and if there is another man in my life, I won’t be worrying whether others approve, so long as he and I do.

    May you enjoy to the point of exhaustion, then rinse and repeat as desired! =)

    • I’m so sorry for your loss, Shan! I think you have an amazing attitude about your future–it took me longer to figure that out for myself. Thank you for your kind words (and delightful last comment). I wish you all the best as you heal. ❤

      • Thank YOU for being just a bit ahead of me, showing a possible future. That’s more valuable to me than I can easily express, even if I’m not ready for it yet.

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