I confess damn it…I’ve been avoiding WordPress

It’s 3:30 in the morning. My dog woke me up because she felt she was being squeezed out from her comfy spot. I made room, she came back but now sleep is elusive. So I figure fawk it, it’s time to write a post.

Yes, I promised you the ever enthralling “When a shit isn’t a shit…” and I swear it’s all written and ready to go but, I have a confession to make. I’ve been avoiding WordPress.

My last post eliciting a huge outpouring of support, not just here on the blog but via Facebook, phone calls, emails, private messages. WOW! I’ve been overwhelmed and blown away by how deeply and unconditionally people care. How blessed I feel!!! I shouldn’t be surprised because deep down, that is what I believe our world is full of – exceptionally caring and loving people – but for whatever reason this did surprise me. In a good way. And I’ve wanted to follow up, shout out, write witty blog posts to keep you all entertained beyond measure, as my thank you and also to keep my promise that this blog won’t be all doom and gloom. But every time I think about blogging, I freeze.

Why?

Cause since then it’s been pretty gloomy. Fawk!

The days haven’t been horrible but they haven’t been great. The pain is exhausting. The brain fog no joke. And I’ve been so depressed lately. On the good side, I’ve been trying a new eating approach. It’s actually an elimination diet to find out what foods cause inflammation in each of us uniquely. And frankly, I’ve loved it. Love the food; except that whole flax seed granola the author said was so amazing you’d be addicted to it…ummm…NO!. I’ve tried every blasted way to get that shit down to no avail. Now if I even catch a glimpse of the container, my stomach threatens to grab my lady bits and turn them inside out. I digress. The food. Ah yes. Other than the whole flaxseed granola from hell, I’m actually enjoying the food. Frankly, it’s AMAZING! And most importantly, I love that I feel like I am finally learning to cook, to feed my body what it thrives on….figuring out spices I like, trying new things (Manchego cheese…who knew?!?!). It’s awesome.

But it’s fawking EXHAUSTING!

And that depresses me. I’ve been doing this for seven days (I know, I know…rush much!). I hit the grocery store every other day, come home and cook for an hour or two (usually covers a couple lunches and suppers) and then I. am. done. For like days….yesterday and today I couldn’t even bring myself to hit the grocery store. Today I had to rest ALL DAY just so would have enough energy and enough pain management to go see a movie with my mother tonight. Seriously?!

WTF? And the pain….no better. I know, I know…it takes time. But my God I just need relief.

So that’s where I am at. Thursday I took the dogs for a play date for an hour, and I was absolutely wrecked after. Had a huge breakdown when I got home. Had another huge breakdown when hubby got home. I am so fawking sad. I miss the girl I used to be so desperately. The easy laughter. The energy. The sharp, witty mind. The optimism. It all feels like it’s gone, and hanging on to hope that it’s going to get better, that I just need to hang in there, is getting harder and harder every. single. day.

So that’s why I am hear at now 3:53 am. Confessing my avoidance. Admitting my fear that I just won’t be good enough. That I just won’t be able to deliver like I used to. I can’t.

So here’s what I decided. It may be all doom and gloom for awhile but shit, I’ll do my best to at least try to make it somewhat funny, if I can. But I need an outlet. I need a place to put it all out there. To share with whoever is listening. To make sure the world knows about how hard this actually is. I am not sitting home watching Downton Abbey eating bonbons happy as a clown (well ok….fawk….I have been binging on Downton Abbey and I do eat Werthers pretty steadily to combat the chronic fawking dry mouth…can anyone say PARCHED??? But I am definitely NOT happy as a clown), and frankly I’d rather be anywhere feeling productive, alive, vibrant and witty as all get out than here in bed with my bonbons, my pain and the pups (although the pups do make it less sucky).

So there, I’m going to just say it like it is for the next however long. And to combat feeling like a chronic whining fool yanging on about how I feel like an 80-year-old woman all the time, albeit hubby does say I walk like one hobbling around in the morning, I am no longer going to link my blog posts to Facebook or Twitter. Well after this one. I just don’t want to put it out there like that. I don’t want to subject anyone to any more negativity than they already have to fight through every day.

If you want to follow along, check out my blog regularly or heck, subscribe, but otherwise, I’m keeping this to WordPress so at least I don’t feel quite so…IN YOUR FACE with my shit.

And again, thank you so much to everyone out there who offers love and support. I may not reach out much but please know I appreciate it…deeply!

Hugs…

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Comments

  1. I’ve been doing the avoiding WordPress thing too, for several months now. The longer I leave it, the more of a mountain it seems to get back into it, it’s not just writing a post – I’ve always taken the reciprocal approach with blogging, so I won’t just do a post if I haven’t also put in some time visiting other bloggers, and so the longer it goes on, the more posts I’ve missed. Not that I expect myself to catch up on all the missed posts, but, ya know? Anyway, sorry about your struggles; keeping the humour element always helps right?

    • I hear you. It can be hard to blog without feeling the pressures to be a “good” reciprocatol blogger. I struggle with that but have just decided gonna do my thing and be good with that. Hope you find your blogging mojo soon. Hugs.

  2. Hi Nat! I I think that it is great that you have an outlet to get all of this off your chest. Just remember that you are my friend whether you are full of of piss and vinegar or feeling shitty. If you need to get more off your chest I am here for you. Love you to bits!

  3. karenmcfarland says:

    Hang in there Natalie! I can relate. I’ve lived like that for years. It started for me in my late teens. But there was no way to know what was causing it, except I never fully bounced back after having Mono. So yeah, Epstein Barr is key factor and so is Adrenal Fatigue. But you’ve got an Auto-Immune thing going on girl with the Fibro which is causing havoc with your body. Diet and Detox is my motto now. We really are what we eat. An elimination diet can be helpful to find out what foods you’re allergic to. Also, many have found Bone Broth and Fermented foods helpful to rebuild the lining of your gut since more than likely you have leaky gut. With today’s diet, pretty much everyone has it. Some worse than others. So rest, relax, allow yourself this time to heal. Because it is your body that’s trying to tell you something. Listen to it and you will get well. Love you girl!!! ((Hugs)) ❤

  4. Nat, I’m so sorry you’re dragging around. I felt like this after I had my little bean and was lucky it was just gluten wreaking havoc with me. For my sister it was soy, and on and on and on in my circle of friends. Our food is fucking us up. I’m really glad you’re in problem solving mode, but it’s so hard to do that while you’re feeling like crap.

    I’m not gonna lie to you, the first week I changed my diet I felt worse than ever. Things started to turn around in week 3-4 and the big changes happened within the first 5-6 months. It’s really hard to be patient through all that.

    Here are some alkaline foods that help with inflammation: http://www.onegreenplanet.org/natural-health/lesser-known-alkaline-foods-to-help-with-inflammation/

    A friend of a friend (online as PaleoBossLady) has completely gotten her life back, after years of being debilitated with MS, through eating Paleo. Many, many MANY in my circle swear it is life-changing. This site intrigued me because it gives you some great shopping links and clearly states what is in each phase of dietary change. https://aiplifestyle.com/what-is-autoimmune-protocol-diet/

    Good luck! And you never have to hide from us, girl. We are your peeps. 🙂

    • Thank you sooo much sweetie. Yes, I hear I need to be patient so I am trying. And thank you for the amazing links!!!! Awesomeness.

      Never have to hide from us….we are your peeps….totally teared me up!!!! Sniffffffff. Thank you!!! Giant hugs.

  5. I have a comment in moderation because I gave you a few links. Let me out, girl. Let me out!!!

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