Battling my glamping nemesis

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Have you ever been afraid of something that it almost paralyzed you with fear. Likely irrational but paralyzingly none the less. Well we all know I love camping. And in the recent years hubby and I upgraded to glamping now with a fifth wheel trailer and all the accutramonts that go with it…leather recliners, TVs, a sofa, heat, AC, vaulted ceilings. You get the picture.

Well the one thing we haven’t been able to “glamp-up” is the fact that regardless of how fancy the trailer and accessories are, glamping still involves the great outdoors. And for 99% of the time, that is one of the most favorable parts of glamping. Getting outside, enjoying the sun, sand, trees, sunsets, campsite fires, s’mores, breath taking views etc. The other 1%….bugs.

Insects, ants, spiders, earwigs, fireflies, butterflies, moths, mosquitoes. All annoying, some even slightly frightening but none as terrifying for me as the pine borer beetle. So terrifying that I cannot even go google thieve a picture of the nasty bugger for you without anxiety rushing through my blood. The fear is completely irrational. As far as I know these flying fawkers don’t even bite but when are fears ever logical??? Am I right or am I right?

Now given that I do nearly all my glamping with hubby close by, the plight of facing a pine borer beetle on my own is relatively slim to none. My outdoorsy hubby strikes fear in all such four (or more) legged insects that dare cross our fair camp site area. Armed with Kleenex and a fly sweater, they are no match for my armed and dangerous fighter of flyers. *Swoon*

Alas this summer has seen me doing a fair amount of glamping on my own during the day while hubby is at work (another story for another time). And on one such  day I was lounging in my glorious gravity chair, enjoying the awning-provided shade…pups quietly bustling nearby when I heard a sound…THWAP….TIC! Obviously some insect had erroneously interrupted my perfectly relaxed perch and hit the awning and landed on the nearby picnic table. Now…always on guard for said nasty pine borer beetle I opted to “not” look trusting said intruder to move it along.

A few seconds passed and I realized that, like a horror movie one can’t stop watching, even through spliced fingers, I HAD to look…because if this was a daring pine borer beetle attacking my hallowed grounds, it was much too close to ignore given their slow moving and tenacious nature. I slowly guided the gravity chair to a more straight forward position and with the stealthness of a highly trained sniper, slowly…oh so slowly…I peered to the top of the picnic table. And what to my horror did I discover by a fawking pine borer beetle. O. M. G.

I lept from my gravity chair with the nimbleness of a world-class gymnast. My heart in my throat. My stomach twisting and twirling. My head spinning. I swallowed. What the fawk was I going to do?!?! It was perched on the picnic table with obviously NO intention of traveling along. Aaaaaannnndddd…now that I had set my sights on the damn thing, I couldn’t just ignore it not knowing where it’s next landing would be…my head…an arm…a foot…eeeeekeee…the only positive bit of news was that it hadn’t landed ON me to begin with.

As a young girl, I grew up in the country and the fear of these bastage bugs began when multiple times I’d feel like something was tickling my head and when I’d reach up, I’d pull one of these buggers out of my hair. Can YOU imagine?!?!?! My hair!!!!!

I took a deep breath. Knowing hubby was a 40-minute drive away, I didn’t think it’d be appropriate to call him to come handle my shit. It was 1:30 in the afternoon and I knew my friend Petra was coming to visit at 2 pm. Could I wait that long? I didn’t think so…fawk, I was going to have to put on my big girl panties and handle the situation!

Now as you can imagine, although we camp in fairly spacious campgrounds, the proximity of the gravity chair and that trailer door to the picnic table was only about 5 feet. Cutting it close. I know!

I rushed to the stairs and entered the trailer. Starring the devil down, I willed it to move along but it seemed utterly content to sunbath where it was.

I looked around. No fly swatter. All I had were my flip flops. My concern was, given the weapon at hand, the required distance and proximity the flip flop would require in my attempts to slaughter the beast. I’d have to get close. Like INCHES away to mount a successful venture. I reached down and adjusted my lady balls, grabbed the flip flop and headed to the great outdoors to come face-to-face with my glamping nemesis. I was going to do this. Hubby was going to be proud. I was going to be hailed a hero. All would bow to my uber strength and courage.

I slowly crept up to the picnic table. I chose the side that ensured a back side approach. It would never see me coming. I aimed. I aimed again. Precision was key to ensure there’d be no counter attack. I took a few deep breaths to tame my nausea. Without actually looking at it (it’s soooo gross the near sight of it renders me useless), I raised my arm and prepared….this was it…I was going to do this….

WHACK!

I missed. The bastard bug bounced. About a foot CLOSER to me. O. M. G.

I did a strange sun dance or rain dance while taking gigantic deep breaths. I am sure the neighbors thought I was hammered.

Ok, I realized I was obviously unable to get close enough to strike it. My only choice….throw the flip flop with such force that I would ensure its demise. Perfect!

I stepped back. About 2 feet away and took aim. Steady…..steady….

WHACK!

I struck but only on the left side. Now it was crawling along the side of the picnic table.

Would this thing not just die. Give up. Leave!!!!!! God was testing me. Ok….Ok….Let’s dance!

One flip flop astray under the picnic table but one more left in my hand. I threw again with even MORE force mentally willing said flop to send this fawker flying into tomorrow.

Fawking thing landed on the mat UNDER the picnic table still crawling. WTF?!?!?! Are these things even killable?!?! Is their body made of armor??? And now both my best weapons lay inches from my enemy. Screwed. I sat down on the chair furthest from the prick and took a couple deep breaths.

WAIT. Arizona. My dog. She loves to eat EVERYTHING! Yes, I shall sick her on the beast and watch it be devoured by my savior. Yes, it would be gross. I’d likely have to look away but I was out of options and desperate.

I went around to the opposite side of the table. In my happiest voice I called Arizona….

“Arizona…come on girl…what’s this…what’s that on the ground???? You want it…eat it for mommy!! Come on baby girl…destroy the beast for mommy!!!”

She sniffed and casually walked away to go lay in the grass. What kind of guard dog IS SHE??????

At this point the damn thing had quietly crawled to the edge of the outdoor mat and was making it’s way UNDERNEATH it. What in God’s name was I going to do now??? I mean, out of sight out of my mind??? I could try. Lucky for me Petra arrived shortly after and distracted me.

When hubby got home that evening, I had him inspect underneath all the three mats to ensure we were pine borer beedle free, to which we were. Where the bastard went and when I’ll never know. Lesson learned, when I relax outside now I keep one eye open and a fly swatter and broom within reach. I know the little fawker is likely arming another attack and perhaps with friends but this time I’ll be ready!!!

What about you? Any irrational fears?

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Comments

  1. What is it with bugs? I can take care of most, but centipedes, (excuse me while cold chills course through my body) they make me leave the area: home, work, anywhere. I have to leave, I can’t even kill them they squee me out that much.

    Now spiders I love–they fascinate me. I never kill them, but I do relocate sometimes, to me they are all Charlottes. So glad you’re blogging again!

  2. Welcome back to the blogosphere! I’ve never seen that kind of bug before but I have to say spiders creep me out more than most. I’m also not fond of stink bugs. My first experience with one of those was about three years ago – when it landed in MY hair. I thought it was a spider as I flung it to the floor … then stomped on it, picked it up with a tissue, and tossed it in my waste basket. About 30 seconds later, I retrieved it from the trash and gave it a burial ‘at sea,’ which is where the other two that have invaded my house have gone as well. They come by the name honestly and you don’t want a squished one in your trash.

    Do I have irrational fears? Yes, snakes and rodents. I am the woman who will run screaming for the nearest piece of furniture when I see a mouse (and the woman who wound up with five cats to make sure no more got IN the house). 😀

  3. Ewwwwwwww stink bugs. Never seen them but they sound nasty!!!! And I share your fear of snakes but mice don’t bother me much. Hubby is a master trapper. LOL. Sounds like you are armed and ready for them!! 🙂

  4. Roaches petrify me. And large spiders. I can take the cute spiders, especially if they are in the yard where they help. But the others… *heebie-jeebie dance*

    I think you need to add one more item to your anti-insect arsenal: Bug Spray! And if you’d worried about the dogs, just spray it on the awnings and such before you sit down. Or see if there is an portable zapper you can put near you.

  5. I too recently went glamping and the bugs are what’s terrible! Like you, I always make the men around me kill them! 😉

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