Urban Word Wednesday: Pumpkin Goatse

Happy Halloween and welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME, hubby…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Pumpkin Goatse: A carved pumpkin made to mimic a real-life goatse, which a disgusting picture of a man stretching his butt extremely wide.

Examples Of Use:

Hubby’s family hosted their annual Family Pumpkin Day this past Sunday. On Saturday, hubby and I set off in search of the perfect pumpkins to purchase. We hit a local farmer’s pumpkin patch to scour through the hundreds of choices (along with many other families gearing up for Halloween).

As we were perusing, I turned to see hubby bent over, staring intently at a pumpkin while at the same time grabbing his ass cheeks with either hand.

Me: WHAT are you doing? Are you fart constipated again?

*said in a high-pitched hushed whisper*

Hubby: I am farting just fine. I want to do a pumpkin goatse this year so I am visualizing.

Me: what in God’s name is a pumpkin goatse?

Pumpkin Goatse Example

Hubby: you know…a picture of a guy holding his ass cheeks and spreading it wide for all the world to see.

Me: and you want to do this to a pumpkin?

*hubby is still bent over having this conversation*

Hubby: yes…I’ve showed you the pictures. They are hilarious!

Me: ok…but that doesn’t explain why you are bent over doing a clothed demo of a goatse for all these people to enjoy? I mean your ass is hot but I think you might be starting to scare the children.

*finally he lets go of his own ass only to start man-handling the pumpkin*

Hubby: the children are fine! They’ve likely seen worse. I am trying to get a sense whether or not this pumpkin has the right shaped potential buns and crack. I want them perfectly round and supple like my own so I thought a hands-on approach would help in the determination.

Me: good lord…well does that pumpkin fit the bill or not cause I think you are about to get arrested for sexually assaulting it.

Hubby: not quite what I am looking for. You may want to sit in the car. This testing could take a while. I do have a pretty perfect ass.

Hubby opted for a carving that was slightly more meaningful than the pumpkin goatse. At least our trick or treaters won’t be scared for life.

Your spouse ever embarrass you in public? What pumpkin shopping stories do you have? Got a great pumpkin carvings to share? How do you celebrate Halloween? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

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An intimate apparel overhaul

A weekend for a total intimate apparel overhaul

We laugh a lot about underwear here and over at Jenny Hansen’s (her undie chronicles are a staple in blogosphere hilarity). Here, we’ve partied to the panty anthem (you know…music that makes you want to take em’ off), panty’s for two (oh yes…get jiggy with your favorite person), kegel panties (cause tighter is always better), famine undies (cause we all got some nasties in the drawer…you  know you do!), and who could forget c-sting undies (the stand-alone thongs).

Today, I want to talk a little more seriously about the underwear drawer.

When hubby and I first got together, my underwear drawer consisted of a colorful collection of Hanes bikini undies in pink, white, black and blue. I am ashamed to admit, most of them were in famine undie state but whatever…they were comfortable, right? Broken in. Like an extension of my ass.

That was until hubby told me that those undies were like putting no-name steak sauce on a piece of Grade A steak.

Ever since, hubby and I have been in a panty drawer battle. I upgraded from Hanes to Calvin Klein bikinis with a 3-year-old nude bra. Voila, right? Not quite what he had in mind but he seemed to acquiesce. Then, last week, hubby said something to me that stopped me in my tracks.

I don’t get it. You are so into fashion, sexy, cute and sparkle when it comes to your clothes. You love feeling gorgeous. I don’t get why that doesn’t translate to your under clothes. I’d have thought you’d have wanted to have fun and feel super cute and pretty with bras and panties that sort of complement your personality.

Hmmmmmmmm…

I knew he wasn’t talking about sultry sous vêtement for him…in a sexual, lingerie-wearing kind of way. He was talking about me wearing things that make me feel as beautiful on the outside, as I do on the inside, from tits to toes.

I think I’ve always sort of categorised fabulously fun bras and panties as “uncomfortable” while cotton and plain with comfort. But…when I really stopped and thought about how my constant companion Calvin’s and brutal beige bra made me feel, I wouldn’t have exactly equated them with sexy, fun or fabulous. More like beige blaze.

I “save” my fabulous knickers for those special occasions, which just so happen to come around about twice a year. And although I’ve written about my realizing that no matter my size, I can wear clothes that make me feel uber hot, I don’t think I translated that lesson into my intimate drawer. I’ve told hubby time and time again that when I drop 30 pounds, I’ll expand my bra and panty repertoire.

Huh? What does being smaller have to do with it? Don’t chubby girls have the right to feel fabulous underneath their curvaceous clothes?

The scene from The Devil Wears Prada comes to mind.

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I am definitely more like Anne Hathaway right now but I am realizing I want to transform into those sexy undergarment wearing models…only a plus size version (or real size as I like to call it).

I want to break out my “saved” fancies for every day wear. I want to find gorgeous, cute, sparkling bras and undies that are ALSO comfortable. I want to feel hot in my business suit and underneath it.

I set out on a mission this weekend. I hit the local intimate apparel store and tried on 20 or 30 bras in search of those that I could meet my criteria of A) comfortable and B) fabulously fun. And you know…I found a bunch! I stepped up my game with a palooza of matching panties in a variety of styles (no bikini) to experiment with what styles I find comfortable.

I came home and gave my intimate apparel drawers a total overhaul. Now when I open them, I see a cluster of color and sparkle. I am excited to embark on this new journey and will keep you posted on how I make out.

I do want to put a call out to the intimate apparel stores like La Senza, La Vie en Rose, Victoria Secret etc. PLEASE adopt a REAL-size line of products and marketing that reflects today’s REAL women! Come on people…full figured women like to feel pretty underneath their clothes too.

What does your panty drawer look like? Is it in need of a total overhaul? Do you think your under garments play a role in how hot you feel, no matter your size? Do you believe sexy and comfy can co-exist in intimate apparel? Do you save your fabulous knickers for those special occasions? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Music video showcases the violent ripple effect of impaired driving

I was surfing YouTube today and came across Simple Plan’s music video for their “Untitled (How Could This Happen to Me?)” song. I’ve heard the song a million times but not being a music video buff, had never seen the video or, to be honest, really paid deep attention to the lyrics and the story.

Until today.

At first I thought it was someone’s compilation put together to the music. Then I realized that no, the song actually tells the story of a car accident on a rainy night. A drunk driver crashes head-on into a car driven by a young girl, who dies. The drunk driver survives, uninjured. The story, told through the lyrics and powerful music, brought me to tears.

I was blow away by how the band incorporated the impact on all the unseen victims. When the cars collide, people in everyday activities are violently thrown into walls and through windows. In this way, the video truly captured the intense, devastating and violent ripple effect that drunk driving has beyond the people in the vehicles.

To quote Simple Plan’s description, “When an accident happens, there are more victims than people think, and many lives are changed forever…Parents, brothers, sisters, sons and daughters, grandparents…everybody feels the impact.Source: Wikipedia 

So very true Simple Plan. Thank you for your contribution to creating awareness.

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If for some reason the video doesn’t play, you can catch it here.

Have you experienced the ripple effect of impaired driving or someone else’s poor choices and decisions? I’d love to hear your thoughts…

On August 1, 2009, my beautiful mother-in-law’s life was cut tragically short by an impaired driver and my step-son’s life changed forever. In honor of Donna and Jordan Kennie, please don’t drink and drive. Impaired driving is 100% preventable. Think about it.

Support MADD Canada and follow them on Facebook, Twitter (@maddcanada), YouTube, and on the Web.

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Cropnihilation

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME, hubby…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Cropnihilation (by hubby): the dirty grandfather of cropdusting (the act of farting WHILE walking; leaving a trail behind yourself). Cropnihilation is cropdusting on speed.

Examples Of Use:

If y’all follow hubby on Facebook, you saw his recent post on his experience at Sobey’s yesterday.

Hubby shared this little ditty with me after work while we were waiting in line at Canadian Tire. He also told it with a little more…flare! Had me howling!

Hubby: I think I need to take a shower before cooking supper.

Me: why? Rough day at work?

Hubby: I went to Sobeys today and was following about 10 feet behind an old fella when all of a sudden he balled up his fist and coughed. At the same time, he let out the loudest, largest fart I’ve ever heard! It was insane and RIGHT in front of me. I couldn’t get around it even if I wanted to. I had to walk right into it!

Me: OMG the old dude totally cropdusted you…that’s hilarious.

Hubby: ok, A) it’s not funny and B) that was no cropdust honey…that was a cropnihilation! He might as well of sat on my face. He might as well shit ON me!

*I couldn’t stop laughing at this point*

Hubby: I feel dirty and violated!

 Me: you should definitely sanitize when we get home!

Ever been cropnihilated or even cropdusted? Ever been the perpetrator? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Worlds collide: pajamas and jeans

I am all about fashion and comfort colliding. At home on the weekends, I live in yoga pants, a variety of sweats, ball caps and sneakers or flip-flops. When I head out to catch a movie or see friends, I toss the comfies aside and although I don’t go high fashion, I usually shower, toss on some make-up and fix the hair, whip on a pair of my favorite jeans, cute top and some heels.

But what if these two worlds COULD collide?

What would I give to have my favorite jeans FEEL like yoga pants?

Does such a world exist?

Apparently it does. Hubby fired me a cryptic text on Saturday that said “blog post…pajama jeans…” I was stumped but my fav gal pal knew exactly what he was talking about.

OMG I’ve totally heard of those,” she said. “They are jeans that fit and feel like pajama bottoms.

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR?!?!

Online I went and lo and behold, there is such a thing as Pajama Jeans (US site here & Canadian site here).

Creaters claim that Pajama Jeans are the most versatile jean ever; made for work, play, working out, travel, and even sleeping. Wrinkle resistant they are tailored with high contrast top stitching, brass rivets, and back and front pockets that give them a “European designer” look. They have a mock fly, no buttons and a hidden front draw string.

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Ummm…these are sounding a lot like the comfy jeans that my bestie mistakened for maternity jeans.

They are made with a cotton-spandex-denim blend and lined with Dormisoft that not only stretches (my fake maternity jeans do that) but is also super soft on the skin. Ummmm…tempting!!!

In Canada, they come in boot cut and cost around $50. In the US you can get them in boot cut or skinny jean and they cost around $40. They are available in sizes from XS to 3X.

Unfortunately, they only come in 31 inch inseam (for all sizes) so that sort of sucked the excitement out of me. I don’t buy a pant, comfy or not, that has less than a 34 inches inseam. I might be comfy and able to roll out of bed and onto the runway in Pajama Jeans but with a 31″ inseam, I’d be looking like I was prepared for the next great flood. No thanks.

I am not so sure about the infomercials claim that they are“the fashion sensation that fits every figure perfectly” but the “smooth butt lifting design” is certainly appealing. Who doesn’t want their ass lifted while wearing something that feels like jammies?

Anyone try this “fashion sensation” yet and care to share a review? Would you be happy to combine fabulous jeans with comfy PJs? What’s your favorite multi-function fashion must-have? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Recover lost items easily and support MADD Canada

I don’t know how many times I’ve done it. I don’t know how many times hubby, my Mom or friends have done it. You’ve likely done it yourself a time or two. You know…lost your keys, wallet, or cell phone. One time hubby and I found someone’s iPhone 4 on the ground outside a retail store. Happens all the time; you get into a conversation and before you know it, you’ve walk away from a table and left your phone behind and BAM…it’s gone. Sucks!

Well have I got the solution for you!

MADD Canada has teamed up with ReturnMoi Lost & Found to offer a way to recover these items easily and quickly with the MADD Canada Lost & Found Recovery Tags. How uberlicious is that?!

(www.returnmoi.com/maddcanada/)

These little tags can be attached to your cell phones, wallets, keys, laptops, sports gear – just about any portable item you can think of. When you receive your tag, you go to the company’s website and register your information (and can offer a reward for returned items if you so choose). If the item is ever lost, the tag gives the person who found it an easy way to get it back to you. All they do is call the 1 800 number or visit the website on the tag, punch in the ID number to reported it found and then ReturnMoi arranges to have the item returned to you, free of charge.

Shut the FRONT DOOR?!

Nope…it’s true!! And this little treasure isn’t open to just the Canadians; ReturnMoi is international so whether you live in Canada, the US or the UK, you can get yourself MADD Canada Lost & Found Recovery Tags and protect your precious portables.

I know what you are wondering; there’s gotta be a cost.

Yes.

For $10 a tag, you get LIFETIME coverage and 50% of all the sales of MADD Canada Recovery Tags is donated to MADD Canada. So in essence, you pay $5 for a MADD Canada recovery tag with lifetime coverage and make a $5 donation to MADD Canada. Does it get any better?!? I don’t think so…

Not to mention, the super cute MADD Canada Lost & Found Recovery Tags are branded with the MADD Canada logo and the Campaign 911 message so not only would you be safe guarding your portables AND making a donation to MADD Canada, you’d also be visibly promoting MADD Canada’s message to drive sober to all who see it (these people are freaking branding ninja masters…love it!).

Oh…and as a special offer right now, ReturnMoi will supply a second tag (same as one purchased) at no cost.

MADD Canada Recovery Tags can be ordered at: www.returnmoi.com/maddcanada.

ReturnMoi, founded in 2007, is one of the world’s largest lost and found companies. They have an impressive recovery rate of over 80% and have produced over 1,500,000 recovery tags protecting customers’ valuables from all over the world.

Here’s a little information video:

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I have a tag on my car keys and on the back of my Blackberry as does hubby. Now to order a couple more for the laptops and the camera!

Ever lost a set of keys, wallet, or something else super valuable? What would you have done to get it back? I’d love to hear your thoughts…

On August 1, 2009, my beautiful mother-in-law’s life was cut tragically short by an impaired driver and my stepson’s life changed forever. In honor of Donna and Jordan Kennie, please don’t drink and drive. Impaired driving is 100% preventable. Think about it.

Support MADD Canada and follow them on Facebook, Twitter (@maddcanada), YouTube, and on the Web.

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Ugly Naked

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Ugly Naked (by hubby): When doing some sort of activity naked that makes you body look less attractive than it really is; the opposite of good naked.

Examples Of Use:

Hubby and I went to see Sinister (how they got me in the theater is beyond me) with our friends Laura and J-Dog on the weekend. I am taking Death by Hip Hop with Laura on Tuesday nights. We were sitting in a packed theatre when we (and the guests around us) rolled with laughter over this convo.

Me: Laura, have you showed Jeremy our dance yet?

Laura: not on your life…why…have you?

Me: yip, last Tuesday night when we got home. It was kind of slow motion cause I kept forgetting the moves but he got the drift….and I just happened to be heading for my bath so I did it naked.

*Laura and J-Dog burst out laughing*

Laura: shut up?!?! Naked?!?!

Me: Oh yes…brave aren’t I? Everything was jiggling and wiggling. I think it added to the “gangstanest” of the performance.

Hubby: she’s something else guys. All I gotta say is there is good naked and ugly naked…and unfortunately slow motion Hip Hop falls into ugly naked.

Me: in my defence, I think music would have made all the difference.

Hubby: sad to say but I think naked Hip Hop is just ugly naked my love.

Me: you’re probably right…everything felt unsupported and I just couldn’t seem to tap into my inner dancer. Try going “deep” in the knee bends when you know you’re giving your man a full monty, IYKWIM?!! I just felt…so exposed! Then all that hopping…ewwwww…

Laura: after we’ve learned the entire dance, we’ll give the boys a show with music…and clothes!

Ever seen ugly naked? Ever do some ugly naked dance moves? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Strap on shoes???

As you know from my “what do your shoes say about you?” post, I have a slight love affair with shoes. I try not to discriminate; I love everything from sneakers to flip-flops to boots to stilettos. All shoes deserve love…right?

This week, Jansen Schmidt sent me pictures of the most insane shoes I’ve ever seen (I love it when you guys send me the crazy stuff you find online). These pushed even my shoe boundaries. I draw the line when I can’t stand up straight or run from potential assailants. I’m all for fashion and flirty but these seem downright dangerous. And I have to say it…there’s nothing sexy about walking like you need to hit the washroom ASAP (while moving at the speed of smell and like a zombie).

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I think they’d give some of Lady Gaga’s wackiest shoes a run for their money.

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Standing next to Gaga, there’s nothing in my shoe closet that’d even compare. And I’ve even started branching out. Dang…do I need to step up my game? Have I lost my shoe edge? I mean, the fashion police say you can wear just about anything with a black pant suit, right? Maybe I should invest in some of these sparkly shoe fashion statements. Think I’d turn heads at the office walking in with a pair of these bad boys on? Perhaps not the image I am trying to elicit.

Good for Gaga. Not so good for Natalie.

After watching the first shoe video, I couldn’t let it go. I had to know…why? For who? Seriously? I wanted to poke some serious fun at them.

But it turns out, their insanity was on purpose. They are a collaboration between artist Leanie van der Vyver and Dutch shoe designer René van den Berg to serve as a visual representation of today’s impossible standards of beauty. Ummmm.

When you put it like that….making fun at this point would seem slightly…ummmm…. tacky?!?!

Good job gentlemen – powerful visual (might I suggest some text or voice over to ensure your message gets across…just a suggestion…I’ll shut up now).

Don’t I just feel like the world’s biggest ass.

What are the craziest shoes you’ve ever worn? If comfort and ability weren’t an issue, what’s the most outrageous shoe you’d wear? How do your different shoes make you feel? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

A girl needs her nest

Last week Jenny took over my blog and we all had a blast tearing it up in the comments section. If you haven’t stopped by for a read yet, I highly recommend it. But set your drink down first. It’s a definite snorter.

In part of the comments, Amy started a discussion about vajazzling (y’all know I am a huge fan…I’ll BeDazzle anything). Jenny did not like the idea of putting glue on her hooha and assumed she’d have to get a Brazilian (you know…wax the vajayjay bare…) to vajazzle. I assured her that a) with a little soak in the tub, those little gems would fall right off and b) in my humble opinion, there’s no need of a Brazilian to vajazzle (perhaps just a little tidy and trim before you dress up the kitty cat). Vajazzling isn’t just for bald girls.

Then Kathy drops a bombshell that had howling in laughter!

“Brazilian – those look like naked armadillos. A girl needs her nest.”

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. This is going to be my new life motto.

I do have a couple of gal pals who swear by and love Brazilians. They do them for a number of reasons. One finds that the lack of hair has reduced her yeast infections. Another just loves the look and feel. Both swear that once you get used to it, it doesn’t hurt. Another has gone so far as to have electrolysis to make her bald muff permanent.

And I say “you go girls!” Ya gotta do what feels right.

But for me, Kathy’s totally got my vote; a girl needs her nest. I think it’d feel weird to look down and see…no hair?! Mind you, I am all about keeping kitty clipped and snipped; all the better for vajazzling, right?! Just like a girl needs her nest…a girl needs a little glitter.

Now, if only someone had the solution to ingrown hairs, I’d be set.

What’s your vote?

Have you tried a Brazilian? Was it as painful as it sounds? What would ever prompt you to try one? Any secret weapons against the bikini line ingrown hairs? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Think you are ok to drive after having a couple?

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Brought tears to my eyes.

It may be an awareness commercial but this scene couldn’t be more real. It couldn’t be more every day. How many times have you heard friends, family or acquaintances ask someone if they are ok to drive. How many times have you heard a person say “Nahhh…I’m good. I’ve only had a couple…” and watched he/she get behind the wheel of a car. I know I have in the past…sad to say but many times.

And maybe the person made it home safe and sound. But what I am learning is that only perpetuates the choice and behaviour. A choice that someday could have deadly consequences.

Why take the risk?!

If you have to ask someone “do you want me to drive?” then you already know your answer.

Take the keys. Insist on driving. Insist on taking a cab. Don’t get in the vehicle. Call 911.

If someone asks YOU if you are ok to drive, then YOU know the answer. You aren’t. Step aside and let someone who hasn’t had a drink get behind the wheel.

It may seem like overkill but having “just a couple” doesn’t make it right to drive. It doesn’t make it safe. It is never worth the risk!

I know I’ve learned my lesson. I’d speak up. I’d insist! Whatever it took. Even if it meant they hated me, got angry, or threatened to end our friendship. Doesn’t matter. I don’t ever want to wonder “what if I had just…

Join me in the fight against impaired driving. Write your MP and tell him/her that you want them to support random breath testing!

If your spouse, BFF or family member said they were ok to drive after only having a couple but you weren’t so sure, what would you do? What would you say? How would you stop them? Let’s talk about it so we can all learn and build strategies so our loved ones never take the risk.

On August 1, 2009, my beautiful mother-in-law’s life was cut tragically short by an impaired driver and my stepson’s life changed forever. In honor of Donna and Jordan Kennie, please don’t drink and drive. Impaired driving is 100% preventable. Think about it.

Support MADD Canada and follow them on Facebook, Twitter (@maddcanada), YouTube, and on the Web. Text MADD to 45678 to donate $5.

More blog deliciousness here:

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