Dating advice to a misguided missed connection

Last week, Jenny and I embarked on uber Missed Connections fun; our latest discovery in free entertainment. On Friday, Jenny posted a poll where y’all had the opportunity to vote on your favorite of our Missed Connections. And today, hubby and I dish out some dating advice to your fav dud!

The Missed Connection y’all felt needed hubby and I the most – by a 58.82% majority vote:

You farted in Trader Joe’s – m4w (Danbury, CT) (NYC Craigslist “Missed Connections”)

“You were the tall brunette with the near perfect body that farted in the bread section last night. I was the tall guy next to you that looked over and asked, “Was that you?” You quickly replied “No…Wasn’t me!” You almost seemed insulted I would ask. As the stink grew you continued to deny your flatulence, but it was evident. I tried to get rid of the stench by waving 2 loafs of Ciabatta bread. You proceeded to storm off in an angry manner. You are beautiful and even if you are a liar and fart like a Clydesdale, I’d love to meet up sometime.”

This post was written in 2009 and although it’s no longer on Craigslist, it is a real Missed Connection post, as seen here

My Advice

I have to question your attraction to a bold-faced liar. I mean…this is what I’d call a major red flag. If she’d lie about something as putrid but petty as flatulence, what else would she lie about? I encourage all my friends to date people who aren’t afraid to owe their shit. Literally, if need be.

Take hubby and I as an example. Sometimes, I can’t avoid crop dusting deadly ass gas. It’s that or serious cramps. We’ll be at the mall and hubby will turn with a quizzical look to which I will giggle and nod…”oh yeah…that was me…” Now that’s honest love. No hidden gems here. We share everything.

You want a lady who’s not only beautiful and can fart like a Clydesdale, but one who can own it with pride. If she was a quality lady worthy of your time and effort, her response to your personal, yet warranted, question should have been “hell yes! Breath that bad boy in…” Any fart that elicits a scent worthy of waving the wheaties is something to be proud of.

You are obviously a chivalric gentleman trying to help her conceal her deal and your romantic loaf gesture should have been acknowledged with a wink, smile and some appreciative “thanks” instead of her storming off angry. Don’t be blinded by the beauty, this is obviously a short-tempered, high maintenance liar. Run my friend…run! Not to mention, if you started dating there’s no doubt she’d likely pin one of her smelly air biscuits on you at some point…think about it!

My advice to you, use this experience as a benchmark tool in your further quests. Ask any dating potentials right up front what their stench potential is and if they are loud and proud or a silent but violent liar.

If you happen upon a beauty that admits to having some serious anal acoustics don’t let that interfere with your relationship. Remember, there’s always Subtle Butts.

Hubby’s Advice

Set the bar higher buddy.

If your dates fart like a horse, there is a problem. This is not the quality you should aim for. Stand on your head and let the blood drain to your real head and then…give your head a shake. Pinch it off. You are obviously blinded by beauty.

Look deeper and for someone who, if she does fart like Clydesdale, does so in the privacy of a bathroom, not the bread line. I suggest you be more selective. Like selecting your bread, whether whole grain, multi grain or white, there are a whole slew of possibilities. But no matter what you choose, you don’t pick the loaf that looks the best ignoring the rancid smell. That would be a taste disaster. You choose the one that looks and smells fresh – picking a quality partner is the same.

Find a gal who is beautiful and smells wonderfully!

What advice would you give this Missed Connection poster? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

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Comments

  1. KA-SHNORT!

    “…crop dusting deadly ass gas.” Only you would think to string those words together, Natalie, and I am jealous as hell reminded again why I faithfully follow your blog.

    I choose to pretend you and Blog Heckler Hubby intentionally took opposing positions on this advice. Why? Because he advised a hasty retreat from anyone who practices crop dusting anywhere but the ladies room. And, I’m fairly certain he doesn’t follow you there. Right? He doesn’t, does he?

    Hey! Blog Heckler Hubby! I love “…stand on your head…let the blood flow to your real head…shake…pinch it off…”

    Can I steal that line for one of my novels? Please? I’ll give credit in acknowledgements. It is priceless! KUDOS!

    Thanks for the ping-back love, Natalie. I am honoUred.

    • Awwww…you are the best Gloria.

      To be honest, I was a bit surprised at Hubby’s advice given our…ummm…full disclosure kind of relationship. LOL!! But I guess had I let er’ rip at our first meeting, maybe he would have ran in the other direction. Likely a case of “do as I say, not as I do…” LOL!!!

      I can’t speak for hubby…Oh wait a minute, sure I can…it’s MY blog! YES, go ahead and use it!! I know we’d be honored! LOL!!

  2. Ah, I voted for the flashdrive in the va-jay-jay, just to see what you and hubster would say about that one…well, maybe on a slow blogging day you guys will tackle the runner-ups, LOL. Loved the advice you guys gave here, though! I want to steal Gloria’s “ka-SHNORT” for this post!

    Oh, and thanks bunches for the blog love on my Hedy Lamar post, Natalie! 😀

  3. I didn’t know Trader Joe’s fart won! That’s awesome. And good advice from you guys, lol:)

  4. I guess beauty is in the schnoz of the sniffer. LOLOL! (I still think he was source of stink. LOL!)

  5. Please, Natalie. Warn me to have a tripple expresso so I’ll be up to keeping up with you guys. You’re blowing me away with your crazy antics. I can’t be ‘that old.’ I must check my meter. I won’t allow my very own parade to run down yet. No way!

    • LOL!! I should add a blinking warning to some of these posts, eh?! LOL!! I am thrilled you enjoyed it Sheri. Girl…you are as young as you feel and I know you are ROCKIN’ it hard core….and we’ll let the good times roll….

  6. I’m so with you on your advice, Natalie! Dishonesty is definitely on my non-negotiable list. Lying in the beginning phase is arguably the worst. It only grows, right?

    Thanks for the fab shout outs! Means a lot coming from you. 🙂

    • Amen to that! I say put it ALL out there. Right from day one. f he can’t take the heat (or smell) get out of the kitchen….BAM! LOL!!

      Awwww….you are so adorable… MUAH and you are soooo welcome. Your blog is chalked full of delicious goodness….

  7. Love the advice, both of you. This guy obviously needs to aim a little higher. I’m sure there’s a gal out there who can not only unleash a fantastic smelly one, but can make some noise at the same time. There’s the true talent he should be looking for; quality of sound accompanied by amount of stink.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

    • Damn straight Jansen!!! Loud and PROUD and smelly! I mean,that takes talent…and guts. You want a gal who is balzy and brave AND beautiful. Triple B threat. Absolutely….he needs to aim higher!!
      LOL!!!

  8. I LOVE the double-dose of relationship advice! I think this needs to be a weekly/monthly column. You two are so fabulous and have great advice. You don’t pick the pretty bread with the rancid smell, right on, Hubby!

Trackbacks

  1. […] you need even more to laugh at today? Get on over to Natalie Hartford’s place. She’s posted a letter to the winning Missed Connection from last Friday’s post. You […]

  2. […] While you’re waiting with bated breath to find out which creep you don’t have to worry about running into, check out some Craig’s List Missed Connections over at Jenny Henson’s More Cowbell and Natalie Hartford’s Life Out Loud. […]

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