Business cards that say what you really think!

How many times have I wanted to tell someone off for their piss-poor parking? About a zillion times. But it always seemed kind of childish to sit in my car, for potentially hours, waiting to give someone a piece of my mind. Not to mention, there are a lot of crazies out there. How do I know that this person isn’t a poor parker due in large part to their being a card-carrying, knife-wielding psychopath?

Exactly! Play it safe Natalie. Walk away.

And I do.

But not without wishing, praying, and wanting so badly to say my piece!

And what about the dude that near knocked me over last week at the card store. His body odor was more than just foul…it was an assault! But…what do you say?!?! I mean…he was walking around apparently oblivious to the scent…as if he was fine with it when it was clear no one else was.

Don’t even get me started on one of my gal pals who is being such a dumbass right now dating a total douche bag and then complaining about it incessantly (I hope she isn’t reading my blog…)? I mean, I can only be outraged on her behalf the first 85 times. At some point, she stays and it’s on her. But how do you look a pal in the face and say “seriously…you are being an idiot!” without coming off as a total jerk?

Shikes…maybe I am just a jerk?!?! Anyway….

Or how about that snotty sales clerk? I thought she was getting paid to answer questions but by her twisted eye and head reaction, it seems it was insensitive of me to interrupt her text-fest.

Or the dismissive waitress who likely spit in my soup when I asked that it be reheated. Heaven forbid I want my tomato soup steamy?! Ya’d have thought I asked her to rebuild the pyramids!

I know I am not alone. I know y’all out there wanna let er’ fly sometimes!

I mean not without just cause. But for those special, ever singular, blood-pressure raising, steam-coming-out-of-ears moments!

Well…I found the perfect solution for us to keep it classy while still putting it all out there. Anonymously at that (if we so wish)!

Say hello to my new BFF, offensive business cards.

They say it all when I can’t! I can leave one discreetly on the parking pissant’s window…slip it on the sly into the pocket of the BO man.

Or hey, I could be bold and just pass them out…straight up…to the gal pal, the snotty sales clerk and the dismissive waitress. “Here’s a card…special…for you!” Triple Z SNAP! BAM!

With 100 cards and 8 different types perfect for common, everyday situation insult, I’ll be set. I mean…with cards like:

  • You Suck At Parking
  • You Smell Like Shit
  • Your Tattoos Are Retarded
  • Your Service Sucks
  • You’re Ugly As Fuck
  • Santa Isn’t Real
  • You’re An Idiot

I’ll be letting er’ fly all over the place!

I’ll be known as the offensive, card-carrying, urban redneck version of Bill Engvall. You know, the stand-up comedian who hates stupid people and has the hilarious skits “here’s your sign.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There I’ll be…”Here’s your card…

The fun I could have with these….be the best $15 I’d spend in ages!

Tell me about a time you could have used one of these offensive business cards? Come on…no one will think less of you here! Or…if you could customize them, what would be your most used offensive business card and why? Come on…share the wealth…

It’s Twisted Tuesday and that means it’s time to enjoy a smile, giggle or laugh…here’s hoping I’ve provided it in spades…enjoy!

More blog deliciousness here:

And like Louise Behiel in her beautiful In Memorium post, I just want to say that on September 11 every year, I remember. God bless all my American friends and family…thinking of all of you today!

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Comments

  1. I can always count on you to say out loud what I’ve been thinking. Thanks for the link.

  2. Can I order an entire box of the “You’re an idiot” cards? I think I’ll need those the most.

  3. Doube-posting, but I have to. I just went to the Amazon site, and in the “Also Boughts” is a Magical Unicorn Mask. Highly entertaining.

  4. Love these! What a find!!!! LOLOL! Checking out your links. Do you ever read Penelope Trunk? She has a lovely 9/11 post about regrets. Still mulling it.

  5. Those are hilarious! Especially the parking one. The only one I don’t like is the tattoo one because I don’t like the word retarded used as a put-down. I would prefer “You’re going to regret that in a few years.” That’s what I always want to say when I see someone with a Tweety bird tattoo. And the restaurant one is awesome. Way better than just leaving a penny on the table, so they know you didn’t forget. Thanks for always making me laugh!

  6. You Suck At Parking is my absolute favorite. I could use those every day around here.

  7. This is the best idea I’ve heard in a long time! I shall spend the next few weeks thinking (and maybe making notes) on the specific ones I’d like to have handy!

  8. Hilarious! I could use the parking and the restaurant ones every week. 100 cards wouldn’t last a month! LOL! Great find!

  9. I LOVE the idea, I’m just not sure I’d have the guts to actually do it, LOL

    Didn’t Jenny Hansen find a bunch of similar cards when she cleaned out her mother’s purse? A woman ahead of the times 🙂

  10. I absolutely LOVE these! Oh, how I would enjoy handing them out. “Hey dumbass, here’s your card, made special for you.” Yep, I think I need to get a few of these. For the BO guy, you might need a special stretch thing to give him the card. You really don’t want to get that close, do you?

  11. Hahaha, this is brilliant! I know of someone who carries around similar cards to call out casual uses of bigotry, and I would kill to get my hands on a set. I’d pass ’em out for every ethnic slur, homophobic comment, and sexist remark I come across instead of having to lose my cool 24/7. 😛

  12. Can we make up ones just for me that deal with the poor use of language? I’m not talking about the occasional slip in conversation or writing, but rather those people who post large signs in their business saying things like, “Your welcome” and “No shoe’s, no shirt, no service.” I need a HEY, YOUR GRAMMAR SUCKS card. LOL.

  13. I’ve always dug Bill Engvall ever since the first time I heard his “Here’s Your Sign” skit. “Tire go flat?” “Nope! The other three just swelled right up on me.” Bah! (I could go on and on with Bill’s skit…practically memorized it) Business cards sound like a great alternative. And once in the correct hands…we can consider them small signs. 😉

  14. Bill Engvall is just priceless.

    And I love the business cards. Just make sure you’re not parked next to the idiot when you leave the card. If he’s still there when you’re ready to leave, then leave the card. Otherwiese you’ll likely experience some retaliation, if you know what I mean. I know what I’d do if someone left one of those cards on my car. Just sayin’. I’m looking out for you. Leave the card on the way out, not in. Leave the card and run like hell.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

    • Good point Jansen!! I think I’d park AWAY and then sneak over for covert business card placement! No need to get the car keyed or tires punctured!

      Girl…you are always looking out for me. I so appreciate it!! So nice to have such beautiful friends looking out for me. 🙂 LOL!

  15. Ha! It’s like blurting, business card style. 😉 I want to throw stacks of those puppies—preferably sticky ones—at every car that passes with a phone yapping or texting driver. You always find the zaniest stuff, lady! Thanks for the fun post and the awesome shout out. Off to check out the other links!

    • Sticky cards…stellar!!! I love the idea. On the way to work this week, we were stopped first at a light and hubby started wailing on the horn and making weird hand gestures. I was like WTF? He was glaring in the rear view mirror to the guy behind us on his cell! I have never been prouder. I wish I’d have had a sticky card to fire out at the guy.

  16. Shannon Esposito says:

    LOL! Where do you find this stuff, Natalie? This is awesome! I definitely could use a whole truckload of those “you suck at parking” ones. Also, I could use some “you’re too old to drive” ones and oh, how about just some plain old “you’re a jackass” ones?! Okay, I better get back into my zen mode. Ommmmm 🙂

  17. I’m with August about the texting and cell phone users. Be nice if there was something like the old toy guns that shot stick things with suction cups (I’m sorry, my brothers had them, not me) that the cards could be attached to, with enough power in the gun…and big enough suction cups to stick to the car.

    The only other card I would use regularly would say something to the effect of…’While I realize you think you’re special, you are NOT! Learn some shopping etiquette, butthead.’ And I would hand them out to every rude and inconsiderate shopper that cuts me off, blocks the aisle, or has to look at every flipping brand of olives on the shelf…in the narrowest aisle in the store (meaning no one can get around her).

    The problem with that is, I would have to buy stock in the card company, or I’d be broke in a month. Especially if I were to carry a sufficient supply of cards that simply say….IDIOT! 🙂

  18. OMIGOSH! I LOVE the bad service card. Everyone should hop over to a business card site and get these printed up. I’d rather pay $10 for cards and have fun with them than leave no tip at all when service is just HORENDOUS. Could you imagine the look on an obnoxious waiters face if you handed him that card?

    Only you, Natalie.

  19. Hey, Natalie–you left one out. Don’t we need a card from the fashion police or a ticket book so we can write fashion violations. You know the one–after a certain age thou shall not . . .

  20. Hi Natatlie! Came here via Jennifer M Eaton. Great post.
    The number of different cards you could dish out on public transport would be phenomenal.
    “Take your rubbish with you, you selfish, lazy, inconsiderate jerk!”
    “Turn your frickin’ music down”
    “I don’t want to hear your F—ing loud swearing in public. STFU!”
    “Get your filthy dirty feet off the seat. Normal people with clean clothes have to sit there.”
    “If you’re going talk loudly on your mobile phone about your sex life, take it off the train. In fact just take it off the train anyway. Loser.”
    The list goes on…

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  1. […] Business cards that everyone wishes they had. Reblogged by permission from Natalie Hartford […]

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