How long should you make a guy wait? The Singles need your advice!

I’ve got a bunch of single gal pals (the Singles) that come to me for relationship advice. I gleefully and enthusiastically deliver all tidbits of advice I have to offer acknowledging that it’s based solely on my personal experience.

In one area, me and the Singles ALWAYS differ!

How long do you wait before going ALL the way?

My advice; 4 to 8 weeks, depending on how quickly the relationship progresses. To be honest, I think the longer you wait, THE BETTER! Now let’s be clear. I am not saying you shouldn’t have any intimate fun…there’s lots of boudoir frolicking that can be had that does not involve going the whole way. I am merely suggesting that you keep things to 1st and 2nd base for while.

The Singles gawk, throw their heads back in disgust and usually look at me like a 3-headed dragon.

We have NEEDS Natalie….” they scream at me.

My response: “do you want to get laid or find a life partner?” because I think the two goals require two totally different approaches.

To back me up, I saw an interview between Dr. Phil and Steve Harvey, comedian and author of Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man and Straight Talk, No Chasers, where Steve suggests women make the men they are dating wait 90 days before they have sex.

The biggest mistake that women make is they find out the information too late. You find out he’s married too late, you find out something’s wrong with him, he’s not really working, he’s not really a committed-type guy,” he says. “You can get this figured out in 90 days if you give yourself a chance, but once you commit yourself physically to a guy, you become emotionally involved, and you try to force it to make it work because ‘I slept with the guy.’ And you end up dragging yourself through the mud with a relationship that you really need to get rid of.

I emailed that little ditty around to all the Singles.

Most of them did not reply. Go figure.

Steve shared his thoughts on his 90-day rule and dating in general on the Ellen show and I gotta say, I was sold on his theory!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Amen Steve!

To all my Singles out there, here are my final pieces of relationship advice:

  1. Set your BAR sky high!
  2. Shout it from the rooftop! OWN it!
  3. Demand to know his intentions/plans on the first date!
  4. Set a 90-day (or something similar) no-sex rule so he knows you ain’t here to PLAY, you here to PLAN!

If he’s worthy, he’ll stick around!

I know, you are all wondering….do I practice what I preach?!?!

Hubby and I waited 4 weeks from the time we started dating exclusively.

Why didn’t I wait 90 days, which was my rule at the time? There were a couple of factors that I think made the timeline exception warranted.

Relationship intensity was fierce: for hubby and I, 4 weeks together was like 90 days for most. We spent nearly every single day together from the time we met. And it wasn’t all flirting and fun during that time. I took Steve’s advice to heart and grilled hubby extensively (who grilled me right back), we explored the nitty gritty details like our mutual interests, our values, and the kind of relationships/life we wanted with a partner. We were both dead honest with each other from day one. It was intense but it was also as natural as breathing.

And……

Hubby got rave reviews from multiple credible sources: hubby had worked at my then workplaces for years but was gone by the time I was hired. So all of my coworkers (all women – varying ages) had known him for ages. These women didn’t just speak highly of him…they adored, worshipped and loved him. To most, he was like a son to them. In their eyes, I could do no better and they all told me we’d be perfect together.

How right these ladies were!

But I still made him wait 4 weeks! And when we took things to the next level, I knew what I was getting myself into and I knew he was worth it. And vice versa.

So…have y’all got my back? How long do you think the Singles should wait before jumping in the hay with a new man…and why? What’s your best piece of relationship advice? Come on…share the wealth…

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Comments

  1. Hubby aka The Blog Heckler says:

    when does the every 4 week rule come to an end – it’s been almost 9 years now! BAHAHA- WAHAHA! you’ve been a complete dream come true!

  2. Gee! I think it’s great advice, but I\’m not sure how many of us can or will follow that? I would add that some women aren’t dating with the specific goal of long term commitment/marriage so that can be a factor.
    I agree with you that adding sex to the mix does change things… sexual chemistry can easily be misinterpreted as signs of something more… I don’t think you’ll ever regret waiting, but you might regret going too fast.

    • I absolutely get it Diva…a lot of the Singles say that they can’t “wait” and I get it…it’s hard (for lack of a better word – LOL)! And you are right, if you aren’t looking for something long-term or super serious, maybe it doesn’t apply as stringently. My only thing is knowing a lot of Singles who “claim” they are not looking for anything serious when in fact…they are.
      I think the key is to knowing authentically what you want and being honest with yourself (and potential partners) about what that is and what it’ll take to achieve that dream. Sex and chemistry can totally mislead us into thinking something is a lot more than it is…better to know before you take that leap.
      You are right, you’ll never regret waiting but you can regret moving too fast.
      Love the comment and support! Happy dating!

  3. There are some things you can’t take back, things that can’t be undone. I say wait, but don’t just wait idly. Ask the questions, make sure you are on the same page and want the same out of the relationship you are both stepping into, because whether you are both looking for marriage and fifteen kids or both looking for a right-now relationship or both want to start a mission in the bowels of Africa, you both need to know this NOW. If you can’t communicate now, you won’t communicate later.

    If you both agree you are looking for a one-night stand, so be it.

  4. Love this post, Natalie!!! As you know, my Hubby and I were friends for two years before we became a couple. We knew each other as well as any two friends can! We knew each others values, morals, beliefs and what each of us wanted in a relationship; what was most important to each of us and if those things were common ground. We liked each other before we loved each other! That is so important. Couples need to LIKE each other. We grew to love each other as friends and then the “coupling” was nothing short of magic. We are still best friends. I agree with Steve Harvey that women (and I believe men do it as well) talk to their girl/guy friends when the person they should be talking to and asking the tough questions is their partner.
    🙂 Thanks for sharing this, Natalie! And so happy that you and your hubby have found your “dream come true” relationship! xo

    • Donna, you and John definitely did it the way any of us could dream. A deep and profound friendship that turned from like into the love of your life…ahhhh…the stuff romance novels are written about for sure. Your love story has been, and will always be, one of my greatest inspirations!!!
      Thanks for the fab comment and support…xoxox

  5. Great post and topic, Natalie. Sweet of you to assist the singles! 😉
    I don’t like seeing the sex issues in terms of making guys wait. I feel it should be a mutual decision, when both people are ready. I have several girl friends who felt ready before the guys, so you just never know. I also think it should be for the right reasons, and honesty is key. In L.A., casual sex is more common than in other places I’ve lived. Whether you’re hoping for a serious relationship, or just wanting sex/fun, etc. (safely of course!), it should be made clear. This staves off a lot of potential heartache.

    • So true August. It shouldn’t be about “making a guy wait” but more about ensuring that everyone is on the same page, reading from the same book and heading in the same direction. A mutual decision between two consenting adults who feel this is right for the “status” of their relationship (whatever that may be) is definitely the way to go.
      Honesty with your partner and yourself is definitely key to saving yourself potential hurt. 🙂

  6. With a dating daughter, I find that I have jumped on the conservative side of the fence. In fact, I’ve jumped on the side of the fence that is SO conservative that it includes towers, chastity belts, shotguns, wedding planners, a large pair of garden shears, and a couple of vicious pit bulls.

    I agree with Mr. Harvey. Completely. 🙂

  7. Coleen Patrick says:

    Oh I am SO bulding towers and wielding garden shears like Kristy!!! I can’t even think on this topic neutrally since I have 2 teenagers in the house–LOL! 🙂

    • You and Kristy are going to have two huge fortresses. LOL!! I can imagine it takes on an entirely new meaning when it’s no longer about you as an adult and your teenage children…ouch! LOL!

  8. I never set a time limit, but 8-10 dates seemed to be sufficient to get to know someone well enough for the Full Monty and nookie.

    When I look back over my checkered past, the guys fell into three solid camps: GO AWAY, ManCandy I’d want to jump into bed with (as long as they didn’t talk too much) and Mr. (hopefully) Right. Mr. Right always got the most of my time and we dated 8-10 times before the Big You Know.

    But (blogjack coming), I think sexting should be discussed. It’s jacking up the dating field in a huge way. The comments to this post – particularly the amazing blogjack by you and Hubby! – are the best part of this dating/sexting post:
    http://jennyhansenauthor.wordpress.com/2011/10/28/what-is-the-deal-with-sexting/

    • Hubby aka The Blog Heckler says:

      especially once I get a pair or three of those sexting undies Jenny talked about today over at More Cowbell! Let the sexting begin!

    • Even without a specific timeline Jenny, I think you had it right about feeling like there had to be sufficient information and knowing before taking it to that level!
      LOVE your 3 categories. I couldn’t agree more. I wish some of the Singles could distinguish between the 3 instead of seeing an obvious “GO AWAY” as a “Mr. Right”! LOL!!
      MY FAVORITE blogjack of all time!! ROFLMAO!!!

  9. I agree with you, Natalie, though i was never one to wait when i was young and often regretted it. Can’t even remember their names anymore. My first husband wanted to wait til we were married to consummate our relationship, but I wasn’t going to make that mistake and end up with a life of dissatisfaction in the boudoir. We did wait a couple months, but I ended up dissatisfied for 28 years anyway. However, I still think it’s important to wait and get to know as much as possible about a guy before jumping in the sack, no matter why you’re dating him. When I met my hubs 4 yrs ago, I have to admit we didn’t wait even one day, but we knew from talking on the phone for a week on the phone we would be soul mates for life. Don’t believe your young daughters, if they tell you the same thing, though. Big difference between both of us (having had long marriages and much experience at dating) and a teen or a 20-30-something making the same decision. 🙂
    These days make sure the guy has been tested for STDs and AIDS before getting that close.

    • Almost forgot my manners…Natalie, thanks so much, my friend, for including my post in your mashup!

    • Wow Marcia, you’ve really experienced all sides of the spectrum. It just goes to show, there isn’t one path to get to a dream destination. It comes in all shapes in sizes…and as long as you end up happy in the end, then that’s all that counts isn’t it?! 🙂
      And I agree, there’s a big difference when you are dating at an older stage in life VS a younger stage. Those years of experience give you a keen and lean bullshit detector that runs on high alert. LOL!! And a clean bill of health is a MUST have!
      Thanks for the FAB comment and support. I know you are SWAMPED in writing right now so I really appreciate you taking the time to share.

  10. Terrific post and lots to think about. Of course I would give a granddaughter different advise than I would a female friend in her 50’s or 60’s. And, then students I mentor – well that’s a completely different set of suggestions altogether. Does that make me a hypocrite?

  11. Leykis 101 Student says:

    Some of you girls are delusional. First the title “How long should you make a guy wait?” implies that you have actual control over a man’s actions, which you don’t. More appropriate title would be “How long should I wait?”

    You think your boyfriend went for a month without having sex with anyone? This isn’t about sex, this is about control. You want to control men by rationing sex as if it was wartime. Now, I think it’s perfectly rational for some women to not want to have sex until they’re exclusive. But to suggest that women should enter into an exclusive relationship, and NOT have sex for 3 months is ludicrous. What kind of man would stand for this? You like him enough to ask him for exclusivity, but you won’t have sex with him? Does he have to prove to you through abstinence that he really loves you for the long haul? Control, plain and simple. This is exactly like some women who unilaterally cut off sex a month before a wedding “so it can be special”.

    These opinions exemplify the tenets of Leykis 101. 901-3000-TOM weekdays 3-7 Pacific, 6-10 Eastern.

    • I’m sorry. I’m probably about to offend someone here, but guys who expect sex from a girl without getting to know her REALLY well…had better have a good savings account because I expect that hookers can get expensive after awhile.

      • LOL, Kristy. You’re on a roll today! I actually knew a guy who hit the sheets with a hooker before all his big dates so sex wasn’t the top thing on his mind. It’s twisted logic, but he was a damn good boyfriend to a friend of mine back in the day. There’s lots of ways to roll with this topic…

        • Sounds like the guy your friend dated was actually looking for a relationship, although his methods were a little different, lol. Clearly Mr. Personality (above) isn’t concerned with building a relationship. He shows a blatant lack of respect for women with his ‘put out or I’ll look elsewhere’ attitude. Wow. The kind of ‘man’ every woman dreams about. NOT! 🙂

      • Tomi Roshi says:

        Actually darling I hate to break the news hiring a professional is way cheaper then divorce court. So you can keep your sanctimoniousness bull and take a dip in it. Any woman who wants to put conditions on a budding romance is delusional. It demonstrates a lack of self love, trust and honesty. Real men don’t wait or put up with this kind of control policy in fact we run like hell because it is the pretense of a control freak. Go ahead and wait 90 days as if that is going to change his mind about you good on you, The only conditions for sex are when and how often.

        • Sticks and stones, Tomi. REAL mean are capable of entering into and sustaining a relationship that’s based on more than just sex. REAL men are able to exercise a little self-control. REAL men know the difference between sex and romance. They also don’t ‘run like hell’ at the thought of getting to know a woman before she’s ready to have sex. Control freak? I’m thinking a ‘if you don’t have sex with me when I want it, you’re history’ philosophy takes ‘control freak’ to a whole new level.

          Perhaps you would be better off frequenting blogs that cater to teenage, hormone driven adolescents, and stay well away from the blogs for grownups. Again, I encourage those who are afraid of real relationships to get started on that savings account.

        • Tomi Roshi says:

          Kristy what do you know about being a “REAL” man? My guess is nothing. When was last time you paid for a date? Or are you one of these girls who expect the “MAN” to cover your good time then not reciprocate. You are exactly the “REAL” woman every man needs to identify and avoid at all cost.

        • Unlike some people, I’m not a user. I also know about REAL men because I’ve had some great examples in my life…and not a single one of them would EXPECT a woman to ‘reciprocate’ because he bought her supper. I’m not sure what happened in your life to make you like this, but I actually feel sorry for you. Instead of being surrounded by people who love you when you’re on your deathbed, all you’re going to have is that slideshow you’re so proud of.

        • Hubby aka Blog Heckler says:

          You are not looking for long-term relationships and are the very type of man that this post is geared towards when we say don’t sleep with a guy after a couple dates as it takes a little time to save their self esteem/self worth and reputation by weeding out the douche bags first. Which in your case was quite clear upon initial contact! If notches in the belt are what you are looking for? There are women looking for that too….this post was aimed at women that are looking for more and protecting themselves while they do so.

        • This is why we all love your hubby, Natalie. You are a very lucky woman. Of course, he’s a very lucky man, too. 🙂

        • Tomi Roshi says:

          I’m glad we got that cleared up. Thank you. Maybe you didn’t read my other post about full disclosure. I feel if you want to hold out for 90 days good on you. I would want to know that and if that is your test for filtering out “douche bags” great. I am advocating for both parties being up front. Just as this article is advocating for a 90 grace period. For me if a woman wants to play this game go for it and good luck. Likewise I have the right to move on. I think we can agree.

        • I guess I wasn’t clear in my post about disclosure. I agree completely. We should all be very upfront with our intentions. I do think that any women with a grace period (be it for sex, moving in together, marriage…whatever) should indeed be up front about her expectations and standards. If said guy she’s dating isn’t cool with it, by all means, move along. And vice versa. It’s about finding people who are like minded and want the same thing…be it a long-term relationship or a one night stand. Everyone needs to be on the same page.
          I certainly wasn’t advocating against non-committal, bang everything that walks sex. If that’s your deal, have at er’.
          For my single friends, who are searching for a long term, life partner…it is my personal belief that perhaps they should set a grace period to allow appropriate time for said disclosure to take place…not everyone is as upfront as yourself.

        • Hubby aka The Blog Heckler says:

          Absolutely agree Tomi – both parties should be upfront in what they are looking for. And there is no magic number of 4 weeks, 8 weeks, 90 days, 3 months – it don’t matter but for women looking for long term relationships – it gives them time to figure out if they are getting played BEFORE giving it up and leaving them feeling less about 100% about themselves for being deceived much like if they didn’t tell the man up front their plan to wait and really get to know each other first. Or in your case that both people are on the same “hookup page”

        • Tomi Roshi says:

          School me here. What constitutes a long term relationship? What qualifies you to give advice about long term relationships? Curious Inquiry? When is it appropriate to bring up the LOVE word with a prospective partner? How long does it take in your opinion before love develops?

        • When I talk about long-term relationship, I am talking about women who are looking for a life partner or marriage; kind of forever type of long term.
          What qualifies me. Not one damn thing. LOL! I make it pretty clear up front that these are only MY personal opinions and beliefs based on my personal experience. That’s it. As I often tell my friends and what anyone coming here should know; take what works, ditch what doesn’t. I am not everyone’s cup of tea nor are my opinions/ideas. And that’s cool.
          In my opinion, the love word should come up when a person feels confident in their feelings and they want to share them. Honestly and from the heart. And how long does it take for love develop, again it’s just my personal belief that it takes a couple of months to move from lust into love…a couple of months of getting to know each other and spending time together to develop that bond and intimacy that is the foundation of love.
          I am in no way saying that I am RIGHT and all knowing. I am just sharing MY thoughts and beliefs on MY blog. They are from my heart and reflect my experience and my knowledge. I respect that not everyone shares in my beliefs and ideas…but I do expect anyone who comes and visits my blog to be respectful of every person’s right to believe what’s true to them.
          I don’t agree with some of your points of view on the subject (as you don’t with me) but I respect your right to think it and for that to be your personal truth. I hope you in turn respect mine.
          In the end, I think we both agree that whatever two people believe, they need to disclose that information and be as up front as possible with each other ASAP to save everyone a whack of time and ensure everyone’s on the same page…

    • You are certainly entitled to your opinions although I disagree.

      I wasn’t advocating women withhold sex as a weapon or as a form of control. My post was about encouraging single women (and men but the blog is more geared towards women so I tend to write to them more or less) to think twice about jumping into bed with a guy right away because we tend to get emotionally attached once we have sex which can cloud our judgement, cause us to misinterpret emotions, and have us hanging on to a guy who isn’t a good fit.

      It wasn’t about control or proving “love” or anything but about encouraging couples to take the time to get to know each other well FIRST outside the bedroom so that emotions are steadfast and steady to discover if the important things that are needed to create a long lasting, lifetime relationship are there before opening yourself up at that level of physical and emotional intimacy.

      What I find ludicrous is this idea that ANY women HAS to put out sexually at ANY time for a man to be with her, love her and want a relationship with her. Hubby would have waited as long as it took, be it 4 weeks or 14 weeks, to be with me…because he loved me and wanted it to be RIGHT for BOTH of us!

      And any man who couldn’t STAND for this, is NO man for ME…just sayin’!

      • Tomi Roshi says:

        Any man who can’t stand for this, in NO man at all. He is in fact a lap dog who kowtows to your controlling demands. Real men tell you what time it is. They are straight up with their intentions and fearless at answering your questions. In sales we call it qualifying a prospect. Most boys fear rejection so they lie to cover up their own fears. I say be upfront tell the prospect you are seeing other women. She’s a big girl and if she really digs you and it is mutual then move to the next level. My point being both men and women hang too much on sex. Us men crave it because we need to ejaculate and women who knows it a mystery to me. I figure if there is a date after date zero then she’s interested in taking it to another level. I am clear that sex with me is just that sex with me no emotional attachments just get down primal wet and sloppy. All the flowers, candles and soft music are distractions away from the real task at hand. The reality is no one is monogamous we all like variety and when I die it’ll be a flash back review of every woman I had sex with going all the way back to my birth. You know the first time I was inside a woman.

    • WOW…Trolls with a side of blogjacking, Nat. You have arrived!!

  12. You are wise, Natalie. A minimum of 8 weeks, and 12 is better. Needs? Seriously? Exercise some self-discipline, so to speak. The fact is that if we can’t control ourselves for 90 days, how on earth can a man or woman trust us to control ourselves once we’re married? While some folks may want Ms. Right Now for the night, few men want an easy woman for a wife, and ladies, do you really want a man who cares more about meeting his needs than getting to know you?

    Besides, our needs are not what marriage is about. I’ll say that again. Our needs are not what marriage is about. Marriage is about what you have to give, not what you’re going to get.

    The fact is that underneath all that sex is the other 75% of the relationship that forges the lasting bonds. We discover the other 75% about each other outside the bedroom. How would we spend money together? How would we raise our kids together? Do we have compatible religious beliefs? How does he treat his mother? Can we remodel a room together? Will we be there for each other in the bad times? I get that it’s a sad concept, but the fact is that in the long term, we spend a lot more time raising kids, buying cars, and nursing each other through hard times and grief than we do having sex.

    Sex too soon gets confused with love. Once the sex starts, we stop getting to know each other on other levels for a while as we indulge our “needs”. We can have sex with hundreds. We can love many. But we can only build a life with one or two, and not at the same time. So as you say, Natalie, “Do you want to get laid, or do you want to find a life partner?”

    Be the person you want to meet, and you will meet the person you want. And yes, I’m married. 18 years. So keep that aspirin between your knees and show the man he’s more than just a tool to you.

    • AMEN Piper. I LOVE IT!!!

      I am often dumbfounded by women who say they can’t wait. GET some self-discipline and SET some standards ladies?!?! Like seriously?!?!

      Marriage is about so much more than just sex. Don’t get me wrong, I agree that a healthy sex life is definitely a key ingredient to a long lasting life partnership but at the same time, it’s not the only one…there are others that are just as important and to be successful, we need all of them…all of which you outlined beautifully!

      And yes, I think sex and the emotions that arise with it often get confused with love. Add it to the mix to soon and we stop asking ourselves if this person is a good fit for us and start doing whatever it takes to “make it work” because it’s “love”….even to own detriment sometimes.

      I LOVE it when you write that we can only build a life with one or two….you got it dead on!!!!

      And here’s to the next 18 rocking your and your hubby’s world!! Woot woot!!!

    • I LOVE this answer Piper. I dig it so much I had to read it to Hubby and we just had an AWWWWWW moment over it!

    • Well said, Piper, and perfect support for Natalie’s advice.

  13. Author Kristen Lamb says:

    Really? Wow. We are such controlling b*&%ches to actually expect a man to get to know us, care about us and form a solid relationship before we part with the most intimate part of our being. So let me get this straight. If we have sex too early, we are sluts, but if we expect a man to wait, then we are controlling b&*ches? No, there is no double standard.

    Leykis, yes there are women who control by withholding sex. But I will warn you that there are women who ALSO control by giving sex and they are the dangerous ones more likely to boil your bunny if you decide to part ways. A woman who is intimate too soon often is in a bad emotional place and looking for someone to connect with, and frequently out of a need that isn’t healthy (Ladies, I am not talking ALL women who have sex too soon). Women who are promiscuous often have intimacy issues and they don’t view sex as just sex. They feel they are in a relationship. So to expect sex too early in the relationship can be playing with fire.

    I would also inject that a man who is just hanging out with a woman to get in her pants is a boy and not a man. Women have a lot to offer other than their bodies and that is often what lasts and stands the test of time.

    • AMEN Kristen!!!
      HELL YES!!!
      I couldn’t have said it better myself.

    • *chortling*

    • So guys can have sex for the sake of it but women can’t? That’s BS. Believe it or not, women are just as capable, if not more so, than having a NSA arrangement than men. And for the women who do, NOTHING WRONG WITH IT!!! You don’t like it or don’t agree? Simple. Don’t do it.

      • Absolutely! Some women can…just as much as men…and if that’s your deal, have at er’! For sure. I don’t think anyone is saying that women can’t have purely sexual flings. Not at all….

        My post and the comments are more in regard to the blog post which was about how my Single friends who are looking for Mr. Forever are, in my humble opinion, jumping into bed with guys they are dating too quickly which is leading to their lack of success in finding Mr. Forever.

        In part I believe it has to do with the fact that since they are searching for Mr. Forever, when they have sex with someone too soon (and it’s obviously not for a casual sex fling for them), it’s emotionally charged and it leads them to tying up way to much time and drama with an idiot who…had they not slept with…they would have seen as an idiot and ditched in 2.5 pas de problem…but once they slept with him, they now try to hang on for dear life even when it’s crystal clear, he ain’t it (turns out his married etc…)

        More a discussion about how long should women and men wait before getting intimate when they are searching for a marital/long term commitment partner….

  14. Love this, Natalie! I hadn’t seen the Steve Harvey clip before. Love that guy. I love how he conveys the value that women have, and how they need to set the bar high.

    We women are hard-wired to connect physical and emotional intimacy, so you are absolutely right – being physical too soon really clouds things for women. Kisses are not contracts, and as Kristen pointed out, some women think that getting in bed with a guy right away is going to twist his arm to stay with her. We all know how THAT turns out.

    And for all those ladies who have “needs” – well, I’m sure you can do a post on some devices that would help with that, LOL!

    • BOB (Battery operated boyfriend) + the single girl = better choices

      I’m just sayin…

    • I know, I LOVED the Steve Harvey clip. I found it hilarious but so true at the same time. The idea of setting high standards and sticking to them is definitely the way to go. I couldn’t agree with you and Kristen more on what you said about sex and confusing the emotions and women sometimes using it as a way to “land” a man. It’s definitely not the way to keep a man, that’s for sure. 🙂 Ohhhh…a post on the latest in women’s devices….squeee…GREAT idea! WAHAHAH!!!

  15. If you have a set amount of time (be it number of days, number of dates, whatever) there are plenty of guys who will just wait it out, fuck you, and then hightail it outta there.

    IMO you can’t just set an amount of time on it, there are too many variables. It’s not a contest either.

    Bombarding your potential life mate with question after question seems beyond rude. You’re meant to take rime to get to know each other – it’s the same with sex. You don’t want to commit to a lifetime of mediocre at best banging. You need to find out before you’re attached to the person like a barnacle.

    • It’s definitely a balancing act of priorities, needs and wants. That’s for sure.

      For me, I bombarded hubby but…that was what was right for me. I wanted a guy I knew could handle me and my personality so I shot straight from the hip from day 1. He not only survived, but thrived and loved my blunt approach since he is very much the same way. Neither of us wanted to waste any time…we got to the nitty gritty pretty quick.

      But that’s what worked for us…

      It’s about knowing what’s right for you and following your heart and trusting your gut.

  16. Hubby aka Blog Heckler says:

    I think the point is slightly off track now. The point of this post (which directed mostly a female audience) is to not to give away the pootie before you know if the dude is not a lying douche bag that is not sponge worthy.
    Too many time our single ladies have fallen to the others claims of being single or baggage free only to find out weeks later that the douche was lying. Too many times they have fallen for others saying and doing the right things early on in the relationship – only to find out weeks later that the person he was at first was not a true picture.
    Too many times people are not 100% honest about smoking, drugs, prick tendencies, habits, marital status, etc.
    AND IF ONLY THESE SINGLES HAD WAITED…..The truth would have been revealed and they could have cut the douche bag lose with no regrets. But what happens is they are left feeling duped, embarrassed and used. It damages their self esteem, self worth, confidence, and feeling bad.
    AND this is the point. If they had only waited before giving up the pootie they quite likely would have figured out if the person was in it for the right reasons, being honest, and sponge worthy. And if it turned out he wasn’t then they would hold their head high knowing they didn’t taint themselves and reputations with a bad case of douchyitis!
    It is about control….not controlling the other person but controlling yourself and your future levels of self worth and esteem…..controlling the pain or possible shame you might endure after the elusive douche has been revealed!

    Great post sweetheart!

  17. It occurs to me that if your single friends are getting into these kinds of relationships more than, say, twice that they need to look at themselves in a new light. Not just about how quickly they jump into bed with someone, but who they are attracting. What vibes are they putting out there that they keep getting douchey guys? There are amazing men all over this world who don’t expect sex on the first date and who, gasp!, might want a forever kind of girl. If your single friends are tying themselves up with the wrong dudes, they need to stop looking for that kind of guy and give the sweet guy a chance. Every relationship is different, so I can’t condone a set number of days to abstain from sex. I would say that getting to know the person first before any bodily fluids are exchanged is key. That might take a week or a year, it all depends on the level of communication they have.

    • Absolutely Tameri. I couldn’t agree more. I think it’s between them and the mirror to get it straightened out. Because you are right, there are amazing men everywhere who are looking for that type of committed relationships and if they take the time and get themselves squared up right, they’d have less trouble finding him.
      And so true – it’s not about a set number of days but more the intention of making sure couples get to know each other a bit before sex…I mean, I had a 90 day rule when I met hubby. I set the timeline to help ME stay focused on what the priority was – not just sex but a real, long lasting relationship. And in the end, I bent my own rules after 4 weeks. Because in the end, it wasn’t about the number of days but about giving us the time to get to know one another. And we were at the right spot after a shorter period of time.

  18. I just wanted to post one final comment after everything’s been said and done. It’s a comment in general but it’s also in regard to the comments I got from Leykis 101 Student, Tomi Roshi, and (less but still slightly applicable) Rocket.

    I am not trying to keep the nastiness going but since it’s my blog…I get the final say. You want final say, get your own blog!

    First, let me just say in the notes below that I talk about women looking for men but the situations could easily be vice versa! It’s just the perspective I took because it’s mostly my single women friends I was referring to.

    Number 1: This is my blog and therefore every single post I write is of my own personal opinion. It’s why I have a blog. To write shit I think. I don’t claim to be RIGHT or all knowing or an expert….if you read the first paragraph of this post, I said that the advice I offer is based solely on MY experience.

    The blog in its entirety is my thoughts, beliefs and ideas. People are welcome to agree, disagree, or dissent. My philosophy on the blog and in life whenever dispensing advice to friends or family is: take what you like, ditch what you don’t.

    Number 2: In regards to the post itself and a lot of comments I got from the three commentors mentioned above, the post was specifically in regards to MY SINGLE FRIENDS WHO ARE SEARCHING for a LONG TERM partner. Long term meaning LIFE partner, marriage etc….

    I wasn’t saying ALL WOMEN should wait a period of time before having sex with anyone. Let’s be real.

    Number 3: My personal advice to MY FRIENDS was when searching for a LIFE partner, to wait 4 to 8 weeks (which translates into 28 to 56 days) before having sex with the guy they are dating so that they could SEE if the two were on the same page with wants/needs/goals etc. The 90-day period came from the video I included and is Steve Harvey’s suggestion. So “haters”, go post your comments on his blog/website.

    Number 4: I never said that I think ALL GUYS should be willing to wait. Quite the contrary. If, as the above 3 commentors indicated, this would NOT be acceptable to a guy (or girl), then FINE!!! That would be disclosed (if not during conversation then I am sure when he made his move) so that both parties can GO THEIR SEPARATE ways to each find someone who wants the same thing – whether that be a one night stand or a life partner.

    Number 5: I also never said that I didn’t think that either men or women could have non-committal sexual relationship – obviously they CAN! Nor did I express any opinion about whether these types of relationships were good, bad, right or wrong. Again, the point of the post was about men and women finding people who are the same page as them…to enjoy a mutually beneficial relationship. Whatever or however that is defined.

    Number 6: I absolutely RESPECT the commentors who disagree VENEMOUSLY with the 90-day idea. To be quite frank, you totally PROVED my POINT! You are exactly the guys I am trying to help my single gal pals (who are in search of long term…pls keep that in mind) avoid BY setting a sex timeline of sorts. Not that I think you are a douche, or wrong in your ideas…but because I know what you want and what my SINGLES want are two different things…that’s all!

    Here’s the deal. If either Leykis 101 Student or Tomi Roshi took any of my single gal pals out on a date, I have no doubt you’d be charming, charismatic and quite dashing. They’d be wooed silly….the chemistry would be flowing….and they’d be tempted to leap right into the sac with you. But for what?!?! It’s obvious by your comments you wouldn’t be looking for the type of relationship they are. Nor are they looking for what you want. And quite frankly, you might walk away happy and laid while they’d end up hurt and frustrated. Honestly, it’s THEM I wrote the post for.

    Now…if they had a 90-day no sex rule (or something similar), and disclosed that during the date (or when you made your move), that’d be the end of it. You’d be outraged. You’d think they were a “control freak” or “bitch”. They’d think you were a total douche bag moron for thinking that. AND VOILA! Everyone goes their separate ways and saves each other a lot of time, energy, frustration and possible hurt.

    And if paying for dinner without getting laid is such a distaste, ask to go dutch till you know either way.

    My final point is this.

    There are MEN out there who would wait. Who do want more than just sex. Who are interesting in finding a partner to love forever, and maybe marry, and possibly have children with. And that makes them no less or no more a man….

    And there are MEN out there who aren’t interested in that level of commitment and who enjoy having non-committed, consensual, non-emotional sex. And that makes them no less or no more a man…

    They are both still MEN. They are just men looking for two different types of things.

    Same goes for WOMEN!!!

    Neither idea is right…neither is wrong. They are just DIFFERENT. And that’s cool.

    My post was written as advice to my SINGLE friends looking for marriage material men. That was the context of the suggestion.

    • Tomi Roshi says:

      Thank you for being a good sport and thank for clarifying your post. One would think as a blog writer that you would want feedback from both sides of a perspective. No right or wrong just valuable discourse. Haters are a good thing when you think about it. How else can you define your position without an opposing point of view? I guess what you are missing is I have been involved in two long term relationships. One ended in divorce the other in death. I was one of those douche bags who held on comforting a dying woman, losing nearly my entire net worth in the process. Both in the end were bad business deals and nobody cares other than me that I did “the right thing.” Today, I am doing my own thing. I like the freedom, the enjoyment of living on my own seeing who I want to see when I want to see them. You are correct, there is more to a long term relationship then sex. Long term relationship for me is about whether she is financially stable and can take care of herself mentally, physically and spiritually. If any of those components are missing for me there are no grounds for a LTR but we can party in the short term. 🙂

  19. I’m late to your post, Natalie, and had to think a bit before I posted anything, as the choice I personally made about this (FOR ME, not anyone else) is not a popular one.

    Regardless of what I chose to do for me, I do think that there is something to be said for being on the same page when it comes to prospectively long term relationships. Does the woman feel more comfortable waiting? She shouldn’t have to feel like she’s “withholding” if it’s the right relationship. I know that there are some woman that have no problem having a small window between the first date and sex, but I also know plenty of women that feel like they have to put out by a certain time if they don’t want to lose the guy.

    Yeah, I get it. Sex is great – everyone has needs. Blah blah blah. But guess what? If your relationship is built with sex as the foundation, what happens if you get married and one of you gets terribly ill? What if circumstances beyond your control mean you aren’t able to have sex whenever you get the urge? (I’m talking about men AND women – no assumptions here on whose drive is stronger)

    Frankly, those things. while they may add stress, won’t break the relationship if it has a solid foundation. But if the dating period was more about getting it on than getting to know each other, well, it’s trouble in river city, friends.

    [and hey, I always think a little dissension in the comments means you are being interesting, so kudos. 🙂 ]

  20. I agree – to a certain point. I feel after a certain age/amount of experience, it’s easier to see through the B.S. some men throw out there. In my 20’s I was willing to believe in anything, in my 30’s I didn’t believe any of it until I saw definite proof. In my 30’s, having been “burned” enough by men to have some scars to remind me, finding the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was akin to finding an oasis with flashing neon in the middle of the Mojave. Sometimes experience is the best teacher – even if we know it’s not the most effective way. I think a part of me that has nothing to do with my brain or heart but is more of my soul, which knew the moment I saw his picture he was the one. It would take my mind mere moments of being around him to think maybe he was the one. It took my heart the longest because my heart had been hurt. Now I’m glad I took the chance and even though things moved very fast (in my perspective – I wanted to date indefinitely and marriage was a hoped for conclusion but certainly not definite), they were right along every step of the way. So I don’t know that putting a number of days on it will help most. It might be more important to listen to your instincts (not your sexual ones, your womanly intuition) and know what you want from the start. Don’t deviate from it, no matter how attractive the “candy” might be.

    • I couldn’t agree with you more Charity! Life experience definitely helps us see things more clearly and cut to the chase quicker. There is certainly no magic number that says if you wait this number of days, you’ll have success. In saying that it’s important to listen to your instincts, know what you want, and not to deviate from it is the best advice…absolutely! I think that gives any person a better chance of getting what they want out of a connection…

    • P.S. thank you so much for swinging by and commenting!! Squee…I love making new friends in the blogosphere!! Can’t wait to go all “mad commenting” on your space…

  21. Obviously, I’m late to this post. However, I am a bit wowed by those who think 4-8 weeks is FOREVER to wait for sex. I am an evangelical Christian myself, and the moral choice we advocate is waiting until you’re married. I also believe that waiting for a while gives the relationship time to blossom apart from the physical gimme-gimme feeling that sex introduces. Love is a bit blind once you start having sex, and I advise having your eyes WIDE OPEN when you’re dating someone to know if they are the one. Once you’re committed, knock each others’ sock off! Because it’s hard to get too mad at the guy who leaves his crap all over the living room when he just made you sing Hallelujah in the bedroom. So that grabby good stuff keeps your marriage humming.

    • LOVE it Julie.
      I am not sure I’m into waiting till marriage BUT I will say I see the value in it. Absolutely. Especially if two people share that same value/ideal. In the end, I think we both agree and advocate for waiting at least SOME time because there’s real value in establishing and exploring the emotional relationship before the physical one.
      At least that has been my experience.
      I don’t know how happy hubby would have been to wait till marriage but…I can only imagine the “specialness” that saving it till then creates between two people! It must make for a most beautiful wedding night.
      Thank you so much for sharing your point of view – luv it!

      • I wholeheartedly agree with your statement that there is “real value in establishing and exploring the emotional relationsihp before the physical one.” Enjoyed the post, Natalie! (P.S. LOVIN’ my cell phone carrier. I’m stylin’!)

  22. I think it depends on the guy and the girl and the connection they have and their relationship. Every situation is different.
    When I was on the dating scene, I was the kind of girl who made a guy wait 90 days, or more sometimes. But when I met my hubby, we had an instant connection. We bonded very quickly, looking back, I know that it was love at first sight, but it took me about a week to realize I was in love, two weeks before we said the L word to each other and about 19 days from our first date to nookie ;-). I had NEVER acted that quickly before, and I’m sure I could’ve waited the 90 days, but it all worked out in the end. I guess the somewhat cliched saying is true, when it’s real, you just know it.
    We’ve been together almost 9 years, married almost 6 years. 🙂

    • I love your perspective Amanda and so glad you came by and shared your story! Amazing, eh?! It just goes to show, there’s no hard and fast rule to finding love. It’s about knowing your heart and trusting your instincts…

      Beautiful love story!! Here’s to a long and happy marriage…HUGS!

  23. Help! I have gone in 2 dates with this guy who from the get go told me he is looking for something serious, we plan to go for dinner on Thursday and watch movies at his place after, as we both enjoy the watching movies and eating popcorn kind of setting. Do you think that I will be sending the wrong message by accepting to hangout at his place? I know I am not ready to have sex with him for now, i feel like I need to get to know him some more… I know if I go, I will be able to hangout without doing anything sexual. What to do?

    • Thanks for swinging by and commenting Sarah. Congrats on Mr. Potential. Here’s hoping he turns out to be everything you hope for.

      Personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with hanging out at either your place or his to watch movies, talk, hang etc. I don’t think it sends the wrong message. If you are overly concerned, I’d just be honest and straight forward with him. Tell him you really enjoy his company, are loving getting to know him and are looking forward to seeing where things go. And that you are looking forward to the movie night but want to make sure you are both on the same page and that although you hope that your relationships gets to that point someday…that being intimate at this stage is a little early for you and hope he feels/understands/respects your decision.

      My advice is to never wonder, assume, or question. Just put it out there. Be honest. Shoot from the hip. That way, you’ll know 100% that you are both on the same page.

      Good luck and definitely keep us posted as to how it GOES!! Fingers crossed it goes perfectly! 🙂

  24. The most common source of problems in relationships is that the couple misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction as love. This normally results in the couple trying to keep up appearances after about 5 years, and wondering where the love went.

    It is important to know that attraction is an emotional feeling that may fade, while love is a promise that has nothing to do with attraction. Love is a promise to do 4 things.

    1. To accept everything that you know and do not know about him now.
    2. To accept him regardless of what happens in the unknown future as you both age – for better of worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health for as long as you both shall live. Even if he is disfigured by an accident or crippled by illness, you accept him.
    3. To forgive him later. Since neither of you is perfect, you both depend on each others’ forgiveness.
    4. To encourage him to improve. This 4th one gives purpose to your relationship – otherwise it will get boring.

    If you are both ready to make and keep these promises to each-other, then you are ready to love. When you keep them, you demonstrate your love for each-other. After you formally make your promises at your wedding, you complete or consummate these promises with sexual intercourse. Every time that you subsequently have sexual intercourse, you reinforce your promises – it is truly a wonderful and mutually satisfying experience.

    If you have sexual intercourse before making your promises, he shows you that he is capable of justifying forsaking you for a younger, shapelier rival when you get older. If he is able to restrain himself when his attraction for you is at its highest, then he shows you that he are capable of resisting the rival that will inevitably come.

    Source: Attraction is a feeling. Love is a Promise. by Grenville Phillips, president of Walbrent College. (Loveisapromise.wordpress.com)

  25. Men that respect will wait. I have dated men that waited way longer than 90 days for me. I was with them almost 24 hours a day practically and am sure although I know they may have pleased themselves at some points, which is ok, they did care enough about me to wait. I think not only will a man who cares for a woman wait for her, he will respect her more for it; a man who doesn’t is not meant for the type of relationship a woman who values herself and body, wants, he is a man to whom sex and his needs are more important than having her be comfortable first; this in itself is a problem if I was dating a guy. If both parties want a quick sexual relationship that is different and who am I to judge, I don’t judge men for wanting sex early or late, and no man has the right to judge me for wanting to wait and realizing the gravity of each physical memory that with casual encounters, make people numb over time if there are too many ; this is not at all about morals. or being good or making a man wait; it is scientific fact, otherwise sure if a guy was hot, and I am a hot girl why wouldn’t I want to jump his bones, but I don’t because I am aware of the physical bond/memories that take a long long time to go away if ever, and I don’t want to become a numb human being and women should not be treated as just sex objects; it is a huge issue in north american and european society in particular. what may be called freedom for women, may actually be imprisoining them when it comes to the area of sex….so treating your body like he sanctuary that it is, is very important for any young woman in particular to take into account. to add to my story , I waited consciously until 35 to lose my virginity without regrets and got engaged to the first man I slept with. I never felt used this way in my life and never bitter about it. I appreciate men more and my fiance said to me that because he waited (and he didn’t realize this at the time) the sex was hotter than with anyone else who had given it up to him easily….and lastly those women that wait for the right reasons for them, will love sex after marriage and want to do it more not less, because they don’t resent that when they first did it, it wasn’t out of pressure or obligation or to not lose a guy (in my case I want to lose the guy who doesn’t respect my boundaries…gladly), they did it from the heart, with the man that cared enough for them to wait until they felt ready emotionally and psychologically and knew them enough to know if they had integrity FIRST…. 😉 ALL THE POWER TO THE WOMEN AND IN FACT MEN THAT RESPECT THEMSELVES ENOUGH TO NOT BE PRESSURED INTO SOMETHING THEY ARE NOT READY OR COMFORTABLE WITH BECAUSE SOCIETY PRESCRIBES IT?? no, indivdiuals make society for every woman who goes along with something she is uncomfortable with she is not just hurting yourself, she is saying this is ok for all women to be used… single women should think about this and their own power they give up when they think they need to follow society instead of create it.

  26. Loved the post. I am dating a guy right now I consider husband material. We first met about three weeks ago and we meet about twice a week. So far the dates have been rather casual, short and sweet. You girls are talking about asking the tough questions during thos first 90 days, what would you say those are?
    Thanks for the advice.

  27. I’m dealing with the aftermath of this exact situation right now, having pretty much followed the path endorsed here. I dated a guy for 6 weeks. He did everything right for the most part: called me the day after the first date to set up the next, saw me every weekend until the end, increased contact and dates during the week, said he missed me while out of town, etc. The only thing he did not do was initiate “the talk.” I was in no hurry for that; nor was I in a hurry for sex. I just need to have the talk before sex., which I have yet to hear anyone claim is unreasonable. So things were proceeding incrementally along with the emotional until about week 5, date #6 when we first went back to his place. Things forward a bit faster physically at that point, but I kept good boundaries and he seemed cool with my not being ready, my declining to go into the bedroom, and declining his invitation to spend the night. Always setting up weekend dates a week in advance, he went on to pre-schedule dates for the following Friday, Saturday, and Monday nights. On his way back from an out of town business in between, he invited me over for dinner and a movie for our Friday night date. When I arrived he hugged me tightly for so long it started to make me uncomfortable. Later I I let him know I was still not ready because sec causes bonding for women and changes the relationship dynamic. All was still well and then I let him coax me into the bedroom. With a romantic thunderstorm in the background, things went further, but I stopped things before rounding 3rd base. He seemed okay with that and we cuddled while mutually acknowledging how romantic things were. I had to decline staying the night (elderly mother and teenage daughter st home), and he seemed to understand, but when I got up to leave things got awkward. Our dates were awkward Saturday and Monday night’s too. On Wednesday night he called and broke up with me. He said he had been “captivated”, but things were now “awkward” between us and he did not think he is able to go back and pick up where we left off. This past weekend was the first without him in 7 weeks. So miserable. Tomorrow makes a week since his call, but it seems like forever. The online bloggers and dating advisers give this mixed reviews, ranging from he dumped for refusing him casual sex to he thought I changed my mind upon entering the bedroom and felt rejected when I stopped short of doing the deed. He did sort of exclaim, “But we were about to make love!” Frankly, I wish we had. But, I did not expect foreplay to shift the dynamic – I thought only actual sex did that! It seems to have brought me closer to him and him further from me. Now I am left with a big “What if?” And swinging between different interpretations of what went wrong. Any input and advice is welcome. Thanks.

Trackbacks

  1. […] Natalie Hartford solicits advice for her single friends. How Long Should You Make a Guy Wait? […]

  2. […] all started with a teeny weenie post I wrote in July on how long to make a guy wait before giving the goods. Good lord, you’d have thought I had told women everywhere to withhold sex for […]

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