Urban Word Wednesday: Fartability

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Fartability: the odds that a food will cause noxious gas that is harmful to living things and injurious to health.

Examples Of Use:

I don’t know about you but depending on what he eats, hubby can get…well…I am just gonna say it. He gets GASSY! I am talking clear the room kind of gas. I swear, when it comes out of his ass, its yellow and toxic looking. When he drops one of his famous ass blasters, I yell “bomb,” grab my gas mask and hit the floor.

Now me on the other hand, I rarely have that issue. And on the odd occasion when I do have a wee bit of flatulence, they are more like little unnoticeable fluffs of air. A tiny toot that mostly goes unnoticed. Now hubby is likely to come on here and post all kinds of comments arguing to the contrary but don’t give it a moment’s attention. Lies. All lies!

Anyway, so giving hubby’s tendency to cut cheese like nobody’s business, we often evaluate our dinner options for their fartability factor. So Hubby and I were at a local restaurant this past weekend pondering what deliciousness to devour. While the waitress waited to take hubby’s order, we enjoyed a little urban word fun and watched her giggle over our convo.

Hubby: hmmmm…I just don’t know. I am torn between getting a pizza or a donair.

Me: both sounds sooo good. I could do either so you pick.

Hubby: well, the fartability factor for the donair is quite high. I’d rate it extreme deadliness on the fartability factor scale. While the pizza rates more like a medium to low risk although it does give me heartburn. 

Me: well are you planning to work in the garage tonight or watch TV? Cause if you are going to the garage, it’s your prerogative but if you want to watch TV with me upstairs, ya best opt for the pizza.

Hubby: and…I suppose the fartability factor could have a negative impact on foreplay potential????

Me: yes, the two are directly related so…it’s your call.

Hubbypizza it is!

Ever think about the fartability factor when ordering food? Does your significant other clear the room with their toxic gas? What’s the most embarrassing place you’ve let one fly (accidentally of course)? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

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Comments

  1. I can relate to your hubby on this one. Let’s just say there is a reason for my family nicknames. My dad calls me Senorita Funkbutt and Princess Poot. 🙂 As a teenager I made a correlation between butt size and flatulence that I’m pretty sure is scientific. The bigger the booty, the bigger the blast. I really need to a get a sign like that have at the zoo about feeding the animals, except mine will say: Caution! Do Not Feed Green Bell Peppers or Too Much Garlic. One time I ate an entire head of garlic, roasted and smeared on bread. It was delicious, but even I couldn’t be in the same room with myself! I have too many stories about this, so I should just stop now.

  2. Indian Food…Vindaloo, Madras, Curry…rate the highest fartability in our house!!!! Love the post, Natalie!!! You are just so REAL!!!!! xoxoxo

  3. ROFL, Natalie! I love how you and the hubster put it all out there, wherever you are. And I see now the magic of your marriage: you are clear as to your parameters (garage) and expectations (don’t curl my nose hair during foreplay), and hubby has his priorities straight (sex over food). The perfect couple! Oh, and thanks for the shout-out; never been associated with a fartability post before, LOL! 😀

  4. I always found that when a woman toots it feels like a Latin whisper in your ear, smells like fresh flowers after a rainstorm and sounds like violins playing and birds tweeting. It’s a precious wind that blows back the hair and defines cool breeze. Unfortunately, us men definitely have different plumbing. One time while I was on a diet, I starved myself for lunch with some egg salad and binged on a few raisins for dessert. Later that night I had been invited over to a honey’s for dinner. While the food was simmering on the stove she had offered to appreciate me tastefully and I of course let her. Only, the raisins and egg salad had been brewing all afternoon and no matter how much rectal strength I could muster, nothing would hold back the devilish trumpet call that was about to blast my date in the neck. I would rate the combination of egg salad and raisins at a Hiroshima Level on the fartability scale.

    • Hubby aka The Blog Heckler says:

      I cannot suppport your claims of female flatulence!
      At least in Nat’s case – I believe God dropped a little rectal Y chromosome in her DNA!

    • DYING! ROFLMAO!!! I love it Barry!!
      Quite frankly, I couldn’t agree more about the “latin whisper in your ear, smells like fresh flowers etc…” Your description is dead on.
      I just about DIED reading your embarrassing story – rectal strength….Hiroshima level – OMG!!!! You poor man….
      Note to self: stay away from egg salad and raisins!!
      STELLAR comment…thanks for sharing…LOL!!

  5. Even after 13 years of marriage, hubby still believes women don’t have flatulence or bowel movements. As for foods, cottage cheese. That’s all I’ll say;)

  6. Hmmm, I don’t believe I’ve ever consciously thought of the fartability factor for foods before ordering. We’re not room clearers here, although my daughter, in all her teeny tiny cuteness, could level a building with just one blow. She’ll deny this of course, but we have proof. Seriously, how does something so vile come out of someone so tiny? She puts into question Emma’s scientific experiment, that’s for sure! Oh jeez, I just realized she’s coming home for the summer. Guess I’ll be spending lots of time outside.

    If only Hubby knew that farting leaping thing that Jenny Hansen did to her brother. He could fart bomb you like nobody’s business! But wait, I thought you were the ultimate fartriliquist? Why do I remember these things? Arrgh! There is just too much knowledge you’ve put in my mind that I really don’t think needs to be there.

    • LOL!! Tameri, you are going to be in trouble this summer…arg!! You’ll need to install a new ventilation system. Or buy a gas mask…LOL!! Think she’d be insulted? LOL!!
      Oh trust me, he knows and he tries!!! But alas, I am too fast for him to land leaping farts on me. hee heee
      I am the ultimate fartriliquist for those RARE and infrequent bouts of flatulence…LOL!!

  7. You had me laughing at the mere title this time, Natalie! I don’t generally think about the fartability factor (ROFL!) of my own food, but I’m conscious of other people’s choices. I’d never serve deep-fried foods and beans-o-rama at a party! Especially one indoors. 😉

  8. ROFLMAO!

    Where’s Jenny and her leaping fart talent? Fartability factor isn’t a factor in our house, remember I’m completely outnumbered 5 to 1, they RATE farts. Someone lets one rip and That Man will call out a Richter magnitude scale number! I suspect they eat to INCREASE fartability 😆

  9. The subject of farting comes up all too often in my house full of boys. And then I come here to a perfectly pretty pink blog and what’s the topic? Fartability. Who pulled the bait and switch here? LOL! I contend that a lady does not emit odorous toots. Unless, of course, she eats refried beans — a staple of Tex-Mex food here. Then it’s “every man for himself!”

  10. I love it…’little unnoticeable fluffs of air.’ I agree!

    That said, never, ever, EVER buy a box of Fiber One bars…unless you’re wanting to evacuate your neighborhood. On both the fartability factor and Richter Scale, the after effects of Fiber One bars would be off the charts. It’s so bad for so many people that, if you’re ever in need of a good laugh, Google Fiber One bars and gas…then read the comments on the websites it brings up.

    Actually, anything with sugar alcohols produces the same effects. Those products are also banned in my house.

    So, Natalie and Natalie’s hubby…remember. Anything item trying to pass itself off as a food product that contains chicory root or sugar alcohols…VERY negatively affects foreplay potential. 🙂

    • Seriously?!?! Ohhhh…I am definitely going to have to Google Fiber One Bars…LOL!! I won’t be able to help myself…
      Great tips on what to watch for Kristy…lol…thanks for that!

  11. ROFL – and I still contend mothers … and now grandmothers … never, ever, ever. Just blame the dog, cat or closest male.

  12. Elena Aitken says:

    OMG! You kill me! And I, like you, Natalie, only have slight puffs of air.
    It’s totally legit! 🙂

  13. Gaaah! I missed Hubby’s Corner day. I had my comments there…all ready to press the POST COMMENT button when my system timed me out. Sorry, Hubby aka Blog Heckler. Your post was wonderful! Not telling you anything you don’t already know. But, you and Nat were meant for each other. I love, love, LOVE your sense of humor and lack of decorum.

    Stodgy is so not the two of you. Thank goodness.

    My excuse for yesterday? Tooth extraction. Yeah. Ouch. Poor baby. Send cookies.

    Around our house, we blame the dog. Or, use the technique taught to me by my stepson. When he first moved in with us, I noticed one night that he stepped outside, came back in 3 minutes. Fifteen minutes later. Same routine. I asked what he was doing outside. “Farting,” he said.

    The one I really, really find unfair are those bombs released under the covers before I lift the sheets on my side to climb into bed. Come on! He could at least warn me, right?

    And, no. Don’t blame the dog. She does not climb beneath the sheets to let one rip.

    I, of course, always spend enough time in the bathroom to be toot free by the time I go to bed. *nose growing*

    • OUCH Gloria – hope you are healing up nicely after the tooth extraction. NO FUN!!
      Someone actually hot boxes you before bed. That is just WRONG! A warning and him removing himself from the bed to relieve himself would be more appropriate, for sure. 🙂 And what woman would fall for that “it was the dog” trick….ahhh please?!?!? LOL!!
      I hear ya Gloria…me as well…it’s the nice things we do as wives, isn’t it! 🙂

  14. Hubby aka The Blog Heckler says:

    OK – I’ll stack Stodgy back here in the closet ugh- on-top- of the other things we are not! – Thanks Gloria – Nat like to play a little game I like to call farortable(portmanteau fart+comfortable). it’s where she farts under the sheets and then starts flip flopping around – fluffing the sheets trying to get comfortable thereby whafting all her gifts in my direction! NICE! Can’t even see my kindle after one of those – eyes watering too bad! Even the dog leaves the room!

  15. Hubby aka The Blog Heckler says:

    I guess the answer is Subtle Butts all around!

  16. Two things to say here:

    1. Why do y’all not keep Beano or Gas-X in your pocket or purse and take it before your meal??! That lets you order whatever you want. I’m just sayin…

    2. It sounds like Hubby engages in what we called Turtle Boxing in college. It goes like this: When person one drops a bomb under the covers, they yang all covers over everybody’s heads. Whoever emerges first is the “box turtle.” Hence the term Turtle Boxing.

    That being said, I’d kill my hubby if he ever engaged in such a practice. We don’t share our flatulence (thank the Lord).

    • Beano…Gas-X….where is the fun in THAT?!?! LMAO!!!
      Turtle Boxing…wahahaha!! That is STELLAR!! At home, we like to call it Hot Boxing…but Turtle Boxing is WAY funner. LOL. 🙂 I can’t wait to Turtle Box hubby later (with my itsy, bitsy, tiny, weenie fluff, of course…)

      • Let me know who wins the Weekend Turtle Boxing Tourney…

      • Came out of first draft do-or-die (big lie, wouldn’t “off” myself for that) WIP hell to say…

        KA-SHNORT!* on the itsy, bitsy, tiny, weenie fluff.

        *Not a tyop (show versus tell spelling). Shouty Letters plus an H are the pinnacle of SnortVillian.

        Are you two sure you don’t want to take a drive to visit me when I’m in Toronto.

        • LOVE the shouty letters and the H…I could practically HEAR it come off the page!! LOL!!!

          IF TO was closer, we’d be ALL OVER it Gloria. We luv ya but a 15 hour drive at these gas prices…dang, so not in the cards! Sniffles…I am sure you’ll have oodles of fun there without us. And of course, we’ll be there in spirit….have FUN!!!

Trackbacks

  1. […] The comments section is nearly always almost as good as the post. Last week’s gem? Fartability. You really need to read it to […]

  2. […] week I told you about hubby and I enjoying making our waitress bust a gut over our fartability conversation. Well, the fun didn’t end there. After our pizza was served, she, as is customary, […]

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