Today I live in the dark…

Dang. I swear I’ve been meaning to start writing every day. My friends and family have been encouraging me to share more often because my journey might help others. But honestly it feels weird to be posting less then super happy posts, just not my style but then again, not much is my style these days.

I’ve been trying my hardest to focus on how I can contribute to my health improvement. About six or even eight weeks ago, I started an elimination diet to identify foods that cause inflammation in my body. And more importantly, identify foods that don’t. It’s called The Plan by Lyn-Genet Recitas. I have to say the food and recipes are AMAZING, and I’ve felt pretty damn proud of myself for learning to cook, trying new foods and sticking with it. It’s been HARD because the grocery shopping and cooking are exhausting when I already feel deeply depleted but I keep at it. I’m down 10 pounds and have found foods and recipes I love and that work well with my body.

Unfortunately, I haven’t seen the pain reduction I was hoping for. The doc keeps telling me to be patient, it takes time, but I had really hoped this was going to be the ticket. That within a week or two, I would start to feel my body coming back into its own. That pain would release me from it’s constant, never ceasing clutches. Alas, not yet.

I’ve also joined a low-cost gym here in town. I go three times a week for a very light work out (20 minutes cardio and some light weights through a circuit). The gym has a hydro massage bed, which was really the motivation for joining. It’s delightful.

And I’ve started meditating twice a week to learn better stress management techniques. I gotta say this was the thing that has surprised me most – how much I absolutely LOVE doing it. It’s like a dream. Feels. So. Good!

To help me keep on track, I’ve implemented a buddy system. I am doing to the eating plan with my Dad who bought the book and is following The Plan with me. We get together weekly to try new foods and talk about our discoveries. For the gym, my gal pal Jennifer has joined me at this unsuspecting torture chamber. Jen is also helping me research about plant-based eating and…we started JUICING. Julie lending me the juicer to try and always at the ready to help walk and exercise the pups and lend a shoulder and ear. Laura with her limitless compassion, love and support encouraging me every single day….helping me to fight the darkness with understanding. And of course Mom, a meditation guru, is teaching me to meditate. We get together twice a week to zen ourselves into relaxation oblivion. Mom has also graciously signed us up for a weekly plant-based cooking course starting in November. And my amazing coworkers/friends with messages and text letting me know they have my back…

Not to mention hubby who is my champion, my strongest supporter and my world. He eats my food, offers to cook, cleans up after I destroy the kitchen, listens to my complaints and wins with equal interest. He who runs my baths, tickles my back for hours and pulls my hair just perfectly…his endless tender hugs, massages and limitless love…he who never gives up…he is my bright light holding my hand through the darkness….

All this work and effort and the pain is still as excruciating as ever. In some respects, worse because I know I am doing all the right things, but it feels like I am just banging my head up against a brick well. Hanging on by a thread. Frustration and anger threatening to swallow even more of my fragile spirit. What’s the point? I have such little energy and mental capacity to draw from, without seeing vast improvements, it’s hard to stay motivated. It’s hard to find the will and strength to keep trying.

I know it doesn’t help that yesterday and especially last night was an especially bad one. My back….my ribs (new pain that started a couple weeks ago)…my feet and ankles…my legs…and a migraine from hell just to top it all off. By 8 pm, I felt utterly consumed by pain. Unable to think, unable to breath, unable to move…my body torturing me for hours none stop. No matter what I ate, medication I took, relaxing breath I took…the pain wouldn’t stop, wouldn’t let up. It feels like I live constantly in its clutches…in the dark. Endless tears sliding down my cheeks as desperation fills my soul. I want to crawl into bed and never get out.

How does one stay centered on doing “all the right things” when bad days still outnumber decent days??? When the results you need to see, ache to experience, yearn to feel…are as elusive as winning the lottery…

Today I give in to the darkness…today I wallow in self-pity…today I give myself permission to throw in the towel and just be in pain and sadness. Today I allow myself to wonder if I’ll ever come out of this on the other side…today I eat McDonald’s and cry.

Tomorrow, I’ll hit the gym, cook and meditate. Tomorrow I’ll hope for better…

I confess damn it…I’ve been avoiding WordPress

It’s 3:30 in the morning. My dog woke me up because she felt she was being squeezed out from her comfy spot. I made room, she came back but now sleep is elusive. So I figure fawk it, it’s time to write a post.

Yes, I promised you the ever enthralling “When a shit isn’t a shit…” and I swear it’s all written and ready to go but, I have a confession to make. I’ve been avoiding WordPress.

My last post eliciting a huge outpouring of support, not just here on the blog but via Facebook, phone calls, emails, private messages. WOW! I’ve been overwhelmed and blown away by how deeply and unconditionally people care. How blessed I feel!!! I shouldn’t be surprised because deep down, that is what I believe our world is full of – exceptionally caring and loving people – but for whatever reason this did surprise me. In a good way. And I’ve wanted to follow up, shout out, write witty blog posts to keep you all entertained beyond measure, as my thank you and also to keep my promise that this blog won’t be all doom and gloom. But every time I think about blogging, I freeze.


Cause since then it’s been pretty gloomy. Fawk!

The days haven’t been horrible but they haven’t been great. The pain is exhausting. The brain fog no joke. And I’ve been so depressed lately. On the good side, I’ve been trying a new eating approach. It’s actually an elimination diet to find out what foods cause inflammation in each of us uniquely. And frankly, I’ve loved it. Love the food; except that whole flax seed granola the author said was so amazing you’d be addicted to it…ummm…NO!. I’ve tried every blasted way to get that shit down to no avail. Now if I even catch a glimpse of the container, my stomach threatens to grab my lady bits and turn them inside out. I digress. The food. Ah yes. Other than the whole flaxseed granola from hell, I’m actually enjoying the food. Frankly, it’s AMAZING! And most importantly, I love that I feel like I am finally learning to cook, to feed my body what it thrives on….figuring out spices I like, trying new things (Manchego cheese…who knew?!?!). It’s awesome.

But it’s fawking EXHAUSTING!

And that depresses me. I’ve been doing this for seven days (I know, I know…rush much!). I hit the grocery store every other day, come home and cook for an hour or two (usually covers a couple lunches and suppers) and then I. am. done. For like days….yesterday and today I couldn’t even bring myself to hit the grocery store. Today I had to rest ALL DAY just so would have enough energy and enough pain management to go see a movie with my mother tonight. Seriously?!

WTF? And the pain….no better. I know, I know…it takes time. But my God I just need relief.

So that’s where I am at. Thursday I took the dogs for a play date for an hour, and I was absolutely wrecked after. Had a huge breakdown when I got home. Had another huge breakdown when hubby got home. I am so fawking sad. I miss the girl I used to be so desperately. The easy laughter. The energy. The sharp, witty mind. The optimism. It all feels like it’s gone, and hanging on to hope that it’s going to get better, that I just need to hang in there, is getting harder and harder every. single. day.

So that’s why I am hear at now 3:53 am. Confessing my avoidance. Admitting my fear that I just won’t be good enough. That I just won’t be able to deliver like I used to. I can’t.

So here’s what I decided. It may be all doom and gloom for awhile but shit, I’ll do my best to at least try to make it somewhat funny, if I can. But I need an outlet. I need a place to put it all out there. To share with whoever is listening. To make sure the world knows about how hard this actually is. I am not sitting home watching Downton Abbey eating bonbons happy as a clown (well ok….fawk….I have been binging on Downton Abbey and I do eat Werthers pretty steadily to combat the chronic fawking dry mouth…can anyone say PARCHED??? But I am definitely NOT happy as a clown), and frankly I’d rather be anywhere feeling productive, alive, vibrant and witty as all get out than here in bed with my bonbons, my pain and the pups (although the pups do make it less sucky).

So there, I’m going to just say it like it is for the next however long. And to combat feeling like a chronic whining fool yanging on about how I feel like an 80-year-old woman all the time, albeit hubby does say I walk like one hobbling around in the morning, I am no longer going to link my blog posts to Facebook or Twitter. Well after this one. I just don’t want to put it out there like that. I don’t want to subject anyone to any more negativity than they already have to fight through every day.

If you want to follow along, check out my blog regularly or heck, subscribe, but otherwise, I’m keeping this to WordPress so at least I don’t feel quite so…IN YOUR FACE with my shit.

And again, thank you so much to everyone out there who offers love and support. I may not reach out much but please know I appreciate it…deeply!



Fibro what????


Some people know. A lot don’t. I’ve been off work on sick leave most of the summer. Honestly, I think this has been a few years coming. Things slowly started getting more and more overwhelming. But hey, I had lost a job, got a new job (albeit not permanent), got permanent, wasn’t sure if it […]

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Battling my glamping nemesis


Have you ever been afraid of something that it almost paralyzed you with fear. Likely irrational but paralyzingly none the less. Well we all know I love camping. And in the recent years hubby and I upgraded to glamping now with a fifth wheel trailer and all the accutramonts that go with it…leather recliners, TVs, […]

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Four years…seriously!?! It’s been three years since I’ve written a blog post. Wow. I only meant to take a six month hiatus but life just took over and three years have blown by. Oops. So let me bring you up to speed. MADD volunteering – hundreds of hours. Bought a couple of old snowmobiles, blew one […]

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Holiday Yum: Mocktail Mania

Our MADD Virgin Drink Samples...long gone...must order more!

Today I am pulling up the rear of our wonderful Holiday Yum blog series. Please extend a bazillion thanks to our uberlicious hostess, the ever-fabulous Kathy Owen who initiated, organized and ran a splendidly fun blog series. I hope you’ve all enjoyed it. New Year’s Eve is around the corner and I thought what better […]

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This holiday season…please don’t drink and drive

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As a responsible party host, how will you ensure people don’t drink and drive when leaving your holiday festivities? What would you do if a friend of yours wanted to drive impaired? To what length would you go to stop them? I’d love to hear your thoughts? On August 1, 2009, my beautiful mother-in-law’s […]

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Get Tantric just in time for doomsday!

Squeee…today Jenny Hansen and I are blog swapping. Squeee! Can you believe she actually gave me the keys to More Cowbell?!?! I know…I was shocked as well. I am over there dishing my thoughts on some age-old dating advice…a must-read before Doomsday (you know…the Mayan prophecy that Friday December 21, 2012 the world will end. It’s […]

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Urban Word Wednesday: Bubblytude


Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these! Bubblytude (Noun) a state of being lively, animated, excited or full of high spirits. Examples Of Use: Y’all have seen hubby’s footage of […]

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Cheesecake travesties


I’ve heard cheesecake can be tricky to make. Mom passed me down a recipe that for years I mastered for birthdays and special occasions. It was like my signature dish. I was soooo proud that out of all my cooking and baking fiascos, this was one I was able to rock. Then I took a […]

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