Urban Word Wednesday: Pudge and a few of its dirty relatives

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Pudge: Belly fat; the fat over your abs. For an extreme amount of pudge, more u’s can be added for emphasis (puuuuuuudge).

You haven’t been around the block till y’a met pudge’s dirty cousin (she’s totally into women); Pussy Fat: The fat surrounding the pussy. And her super raunchy auntie (she comes by it honestly…and the two go everywhere together…total ho’s!); Gunt: A protruding sack of fat which extends from the lower abdomen to the upper genital area (gut+cunt=gunt).

Examples Of Use:

I started a Hip Hop dance class this week. Kill me now. After I staggered home hardly able to walk, I headed straight to the bathtub for a soak in Epsom salts where hubby and I had the following discussion as I was drying off; much to our own private delight. Enjoy the peak into our fabulous insanity.

Me: this aging thing is for the birds. I’ve noticed that even my feet are starting to wrinkle. And don’t even get me started on this new piece of pussy fat. What in God’s name is that?

Hubby: pussy fat…where?

*I demo by grabbing the new slightly fleshy part above my hooha*

Hubby: So what?! You’ve got a little gunt. No big deal.

Me: WHAT?!?! I HAVE A GUNT?!?!

Hubby: it’s tiny…seriously! To be honest, it’s more like a wee bit of pudge. You are just a bit pudgy.

Me: OMG I have a gunt…I can’t believe it. I wonder if there are any exercises I can do to flatten it. I don’t mind a little belly fat but there’s no way I can tolerate a gunt. This has gone too far.

Hubby: honey, seriously…I should have never used the G-word. You are ok…relax…you do not have a gunt! And even if you did, it’d be the sexiest little gunt around.

 Me: I’m gonna need more than Hip Hop to fix this.

Ok people, I need some lower abdomen work out tips and tricks. Gotta flatten and tone the gunt before it gets out of control…Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

  • Got a great kick out of Leanne Shirtliffe’s post on flea market vocabulary…cause I could totally see my hubby in his place. LOL!
  • JUST about peed myself laughing so hard when I read Noa’s post are you a strong lady or just an enormous asshole? OMG! I am totally forwarding that around. I know some gals that need this as a benchmark! Myself included.
  • Funniest. Blog Post. EVER! Tameri Etherton had the strangest massage and had us all in tears laughing about it. Join in.

Tasty tacos and tube steak delight

So yesterday I was talking about how I’ve recently discovered olive oil as a fabulous new sexual lubricant. One of the great things about using it in that fashion is say mid-session you or your partner wanna head downtown for a little nibble, you can. No more worrying about ingesting store-bought lubricants. You can lower your cholesterol with heart-healthy olive oil while you pleasure your partner. Talk about killing two birds with one stone.

I mean, hell, why not toss some garlic or oregano down there and make a salad out of it?!

Ok, maybe that’s pushing the olive oil envelop since I doubt my hooha would appreciate being sprinkled with garlic…nor would hubby be thrilled with me making his rod a balsamic salad stick…

But…this did get me thinking.

God help us!

I got to thinking about products that enhance that taste of giving oral pleasure. I’ve never found the intimate canned whip cream too tasty (go for the real deal on that one) but hubby and I have tried some flavored gels that work wonderfully. Chocolate, mango, BANANA…yummy!!! Though if you plan on getting back to basics afterwards, not so sure I’d want that sticky stick on the inside, if you know what I mean?!?! And although they might “enhance” the flavor…they don’t always completely hide the taste…

Till NOW that is…

One of my loyal readers (THANK YOU) forwarded me this fabulousness: MASQUE Sexual Flavors.

Developed by a team of scientist and researchers, MASQUE is like the fellatio version of Listerine dissolvable strip. It’s an engineered formula that combines individual taste blockers which are microencapsulated on a paper-thin, orally dissolvable strip that you place on your tongue moments before the big event. It’s specifically designed to completely conceal the taste of semen. Shut up?!?! Seriously!??!

The strips enhances the taste with either chocolate, strawberry, watermelon or mango flavors (all with a slight hint of mint) while, supposedly, completely neutralizing flavors associated with oral sex on men, especially the taste of semen (salts, bitters, and proteins).

Although not designed to be used the other way around, if you want to pleasure your lady friend and send her man in the boat sailing, the FAQ portion of the website says that they’ve received reports of women enjoying the hint of mint in the downtown region.

And they last up 15 minutes.

Although if hubby last 15 minutes, I won’t be talking right for a week!

How do you keep things spicy in the bedroom? Know of any fabulous oral pleasure taste enhancers? Would you give MASQUE a try? Come on…share the wealth….

It’s Twisted Tuesday and that means it’s time to enjoy a smile, giggle or laugh…here’s hoping I’ve provided it in spades…enjoy!

(P.S. I LOVE it when readers come across little delights and forward them my way…if you find something you’d love to see featured on a Twisted Tuesday, send it over via the Contact Me form)

More blog deliciousness here:

Hubby (AKA Mr. August) gone WILD!

I am shaking things up this week. First Wednesday, with a tribute post to Mamma K. And now today….well have I got a treat for y’all!

My good friend Tameri Etherton made hubby her…CRUSH OF THE MONTH for August! Squeee….she secured an in-depth interview with him and did an amazing write-up.

Yours truly worked behind the scenes to secure her some…PHOTOS!!!

You aren’t going to want to miss this one folks…head over there and show hubby your luv.

What do you think – is hubby a hotty or what!?!?!

How far would you go to spoil your furbaby?

Tess

So y’all know I’m a bit insane about my furbaby, Tess. She’s the apple of my eye, my baby girl, my delight! Last year, she had knee surgery to repair a blown ligament and about a week ago, she had another surgery to remove two lumps.

We knew the two lumps were benign and we’d have left them alone. Older dogs do tend to get “lumpy” as they age but the large one on her hind end had grown from nothing to about a pound in weight in 8 freaking months! The vet recommended immediate removal upon a consultation. If you follow me on Facebook, you know this whole surgery experience was quite traumatic for me (Tess was fine…it was my anxiety that was sky high).

We picked the poor thing up after the surgery to take her home. She greeted us wearing a CONE and a drain in the back where the large mass had been removed. Given that fluid had been pumping to it for 8 months, they put the drain in so that the incision wouldn’t swell up.

Well…let’s just say that my idea of a “drain” and what the drain actually was were two different things. I expected a tube like “thing” attached to her collecting the “fluid”. But when they brought her out to me, there was Tess with two holes on either side of the incision and a rubber band thing that went through the two holes, tied in a bow…so that fluid (mostly blood) could just ooze out the little holes!

Tess after her lump-removal surgery.

I near fell over. A woman picking up food asked me if my dog had been in a car accident. It looked that nasty.

I was devastated. She looked like she was in so much pain. But I will say, after being home for a couple of hours, and getting that cone off (which I think traumatized her the most), she settled in and really didn’t seem to be bothered by it or in any pain what so ever. She was her usual happy-go-lucky self, if not a tad drugged up, dripping and smearing blood all over the house.

Whatever. Blood I can clean up. Dog I can’t replace. Bleed away baby!

ALL that for 1) your pity and dog-mother-of-year chants but also because 2) it made me want to spoil my baby girl and have I FOUND the perfect way to treat her.

Pet Loungers; modern pet furniture and accessories!

Let’s kick those sub-par “doggy beds” to the trash and treat our furbabies RIGHT!

OMG don’t you just think they are the perfect way to say “I love you” to your pooch or kitty! My issue will be choosing only one.

I can almost HEAR hubby groaning “ohhhh god noooo!!” which makes them that much niftier!

It was a tough call between the Bambú Hammock and the Bambú Daybed….but I think the Daybed screams Tess! It’s so…regal!

She’ll sleep easy and comfortably on this daybed created with solid bamboo and an ORTHOPEDIC memory foam mattress. How awesome will that be on the new knee and those sore incisions!!!

After her surgeries, it’s the least I can do! And although she’s healed beautifully with the new knee, the low-to-the-ground profile will make it easy for her to get up and down. Not to mention, the cushion is removable, washable and is stain-resistant, made from high quality ultra-suede fabric (so if she oozes from her drain, I can just whip this bad boy in the wash and voila, it’s like brand new).

And it comes in PASSION PINK!!!

Need I say more?!?!? Seriously!!! She’ll love it!!

Well…at least her Mom will!

For only a nominal fee ($249.99 us) you too can have one for you furbaby!

And of course, if we go with the Bambú Daybed, she’d totally need the MATCHING Bambú Angled Diner! DUH! It MATCHES….I mean…not getting it would be…well…like wearing pants without a shirt. They are a pair. A set. They go together! It’s only another $79.99 US…and at this point, that’s chump change!!!

It’s been 12 days since the surgery and Tess is doing wonderfully. Both incisions are healing beautifully (she gets her stitches out today) with no sign of infection or problems. We have been told that although the lumps were benign, we should expect them to grow back (given the type of lump they were). Dang! Not sure how we’ll handle that going forward. Tess would be a champ no doubt but her mother not so much…

What nifty gadgets have you treated your precious furbaby to? Ever had a lumpy dog/cat – how did you handle it? Come on…share the wealth…

It’s Twisted Tuesday and that means it’s time to enjoy a smile, giggle or laugh…here’s hoping I’ve provided it in spades…enjoy!

More blog deliciousness here:

Hubby’s Corner: the performance review


A performance review can be a great tool for an organization to evaluate an employee’s performance; be it good or bad.  It’s a great tool to communicate expectations and goals and share a two-way feedback that may not be communicated on a daily basis. I recently received my annual performance review and being a supervisor, I also had to deliver several performance reviews.

As I was preparing one of the performance reviews this week, it dawned on me. I wondered why people do not use performance reviews in their marriages and/or relationships? I think all of our relationships could benefit from well-defined goals and expectations and feedback. Each person in the relationship would know if their partner rates them to be exceeding expectations or continuously delivering at unsatisfactory levels. I think this would quickly thin out the herd and leave only the quality performers to make the cut and the others would either work on their weaknesses or be escorted to the door as they quit or fired.

I sat back in my chair, internally chuckling as I fantasized about delivering performance reviews to my friends, family and Natalie. I laughed even harder when I role played the exchange and feedback I might receive as a friend, relative, father or husband.

How many relationships are on cruise control where one side is not happy with something the other has done, said, or is not doing or saying?

I think everyone thinks they are doing a great job from their own mind’s eye but have you ever stopped to pull on the spectacles of the other person in this relationship?

I challenge you to stop and give the people in your life a performance review – let them know what you value, appreciate, and commend them on things you may just take for granted that they bring to your life. Take the opportunity to let them know what you are looking for from them. Then ask that person to give some honest feedback on how you might improve as a friend, relative, husband, etc.

Maybe if Harold had an annual performance review he wouldn’t feel this way about his marriage:

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Natalie and I give very regular feedback to one another, both serious and humorous, on what we expect for respect, loyalty, involvement, goals and dreams. And so far we both seem happy with our performance review. Neither of us has had to deliver the bad news…

Do you give and take annual performance reviews in your relationships? How do you think you rank? Come on…share the wealth….

More blog deliciousness here:

What do your shoes say about you?

I think clothes have a big impact on a person’s first impression about who we are. They are a very in-your-face, visual statement. And whether right or wrong, people likely make assumptions about who we are based on their interpretation of our clothing. Am I a girlie girl, comfort is key, designer all the way baby, hiking is my thing, or tomboy kind of gal. Does she dress like me? Do I wish I dressed like her? Does she dress like my brother?

So what about our shoes? I mean, don’t they speak volumes as well? I know I don’t always do a close inspection but I can say that a nice pair of shoes always catch my eye (same with a fab purse but we’ll dive into that another time).

So I did a little research to see what my shoes say about me and you know what? Most of it was pretty bang on. I turned to two sources, millionlooks.com and sulekha.com, for the shoe personality deets.

Pumps & Comfies – 40% wear rate

At my day job, where I put in about 40 hours a week, I usually wear comfortable pumps or wedges. If we have a swanky event or an important meeting etc, I might dress it up but for the most part, comfort is key.

What they say about me?

Comfortable sexiness. Women who wear wedge shoes are usually straightforward, confident and love power. However, when it comes to decision-making they tend to hesitate. In relationships they seek for reliability and trust. The person who wears platform shoes relays the same confidence and sexiness as stilettos, but under a more practical and sure-footed nature. It also denotes ambition and determination.

Dead on! I definitely have confidence (not so sure about the love power thing), sexiness, practical, ambition and determination. Amen to that. And I do hesitate when making decisions.

Flats (or close to flat) – 30% wear rate (it’d be higher IF our summers were longer)

I know, I know, you’ll all be stunned but I do own a number of flats or close to flat flats. I love my flip-flops, low-heeled sandals, Birkenstocks, and my dreadfully ugly, yet wonderfully comfortable, loafers (even hubby said UGH when I bought them). These are what I wear to the mall, to go shopping, when hitting a movie, or just touring around.

What they say about me?

Dandy-girl. If you like loafers and Oxford shoes you belong to a group of women who are undemonstrative and prefer hiding their feelings even if their souls are in flames. Flats-lovers are usually sweet, friendly and a little boring. Women who like flats are usually great fashionistas who are fond of wearing new clothes.

The flat shoe/sandal wearer is steady and grounded in life. This person is often energetic; high paced, and exudes a zest for experiencing life to the fullest. On the other hand, flip-flops symbolize a youthful, mellow, and money-conscious, person. While maybe considered a bit unpolished at times, the flip-flop bearer is easy to please, and even easier to get along with.

Ok, so I am soooo not undemonstrative nor do I hide my feelings while my soul is burned in flames. LOL! And I don’t think I am even close to boring. And I know a ton of “flat” wearers who would never be classified as boring so that’s definitely way off the mark! But….I would consider myself a great fashionista, LOVE LOVE LOVE new clothes and HELL yes I am easy to please and get along with (SHUT UP Hubby!!)!

Stilettos – 15% wear rate

I know…shocking I don’t wear them more often, eh?! You already know I love anything that sparkles so I definitely have more than my fair share of stunning stilettos with oodles of bling. But I don’t wear them every single day. I find them comfortable in a wear-for-couple-hours kind of way. But these aren’t shoes I could do for 8 or 10 hours in while at work. These are the shoes I break out when we head out on the town, dancing, or on vacation.

What they say about me?

Stiletto as a weapon. If you love stilettos you are most likely a vivid and extraordinary person who longs for attention. You can be capricious and a bit spoiled but you always get what you want. You are confident about your powers and sex appeal. However, some people take you as a silly and shallow girl.

The stiletto, i.e., height is often associated with power, self-indulgence, and pride. It signifies that its wearer is assertive of their sexuality and personality and is not afraid to show it. The stiletto demands attention, and the more flashy it appears, the more pain it may inflict, as it walks over whoever or whatever stands in the way of getting what it wants.

The first paragraph is likely quite bang on although I don’t think people take me as silly and shallow but hey, maybe when I am stilettos, they do?!?! On a good note, in regards to paragraph 2, I don’t own many super HIGH stilettos. Most of mine range from 2 to 3.5 inches. I am not a 5-inch stiletto-wearing crazy person! And a lot of mine are somewhat platform making them even LESS high to my feet.

Boots – 10% wear rate

I have a slight obsession with boots; tall, low, stiletto, wedge, open-toe – you name it, I love them all. I could happily fill my closet with them delightful treasures. That being said, most of my fancy books only get brought out for special occasions, while the more comfy versions (wedge or low heeled) get paired up with jeans for just about any occasion – shopping, dinner with friends etc. So the wear rate could be a bit higher.

What they say about me?

Biker-style queen. You are reserved and a bit egocentric. You don’t trust people and prefer doing everything yourself. But at the same time you are smart and sensitive and often worry about your relations with other people. You get sincerely surprised with rudeness and inadequate behavior.

OMG hubby is going to read this and say I should be wearing boots 90% of the time – egocentric, prefer doing everything myself?!?! YIP!! But on the positive, I am smart and sensitive at the same time.

Sneakers – 5% wear rate

I am not a huge sneaker wearing girl. This is probably because I am not overly athletic but I do own a pair or two for going for walk, sporting stuff, or for heading out to the camp.

What they say about me?

Tomboy. Girls who have a weak point about sporty footwear are normally creative and sociable. They love traveling and feel extremely bored when routine makes them stay at the same place for long. You need to always be among people who love and respect you. The sneaker wearer is hip, youthful, playful and busy.

Ok…I’ll take that. Maybe I need to wear these more often!

So let’s summarize. Basically my shoes say that:

At work during the day, I am comfortable sexiness. I am straightforward, confident and love power but struggle with making decisions.

At home and at play, I am, for the most part, a dandy-girl big into fashion and wearing new clothes. I prefer stability and security to being a big risk taker. I am energetic; high paced, and exude a zest for experiencing life to the fullest.

When I am going out on the town or vacation, that’s when my vivid and extraordinary side comes out to play; always longing for attention. I am confident about my powers and sex appeal and I want to be unique and make a statement everywhere I go.

But on the flip side, I can also be a bit of a biker chick/tomboy. I get a little egocentric and prefer doing everything myself. I get bored and want to go go go! I invest in my relationship with others.

What do you think? Is the shoe/personality analysis dead on? Do the descriptions match your personality and style? What do your shoes say about you?

More blog deliciousness here:

Powerful video hits home

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Two years ago, my beautiful mother-in-law’s life was cut tragically short by an impaired driver and my stepson’s life changed forever. In honor of Donna and Jordan Kennie, please don’t drink and drive. Impaired driving is 100% preventable. Think about it. 

Support MADD Canada and follow them on Facebook, Twitter (@maddcanada), YouTube, and on the Web.

P.S. Remember, hubby and I are on vacation until April 23, 2012 but have fun and talk amongst yourselves!

More blog deliciousness here:

Is humor an effective way to get an important message across?

The videos below are part of MADD Canada’s public television campaigns. Every time I catch one airing on TV, I always turn up the sound and have a little giggle fest. I mean…you have to admit, they are a riot! And heck, I always thought that would make them very effective at hitting home with their target audience.

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At the same time, I am wondering if humor like this is an effective way to get the point across? Or does a little bit of the seriousness get lost in the funny bits?

Do you think either of these commercials would make a teen or young adult sit up and take notice or would they just laugh it off? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Two years ago, my beautiful mother-in-law’s life was cut tragically short by an impaired driver and my stepson’s life changed forever. In honor of Donna and Jordan Kennie, please don’t drink and drive. Impaired driving is 100% preventable. Think about it.

Support MADD Canada and follow them on Facebook, Twitter (@maddcanada), YouTube, and on the Web.

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: ding-a-ling bling gone extreme

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

WARNING: today’s blog features videos with explicit language so watch at your own risk.

Today is a special edition of Urban Word Wednesday. After Roy and Tameri made it known that last week’s nowhere story was a bit too light for their raunchy tastes (it’s ok guys, I’m a bit twisted as well), I am amping it up this week with a double whammy with…VIDEOS! Yes, you read that right. Buckle up folks, we are going hard core.

It came about when hubby and I were sitting on the couch last Wednesday evening and the following convo ensued:

Me: did you see my post on the nowhere story today?

Hubby: yes, and thanks for exploiting the “Sussex story”. Is nothing sacred between us anymore?

Me: no, my readers need to know baby. We have a responsibility to entertain and…I’m sorry but the shit you say is funny!

Hubby: how did the fans like it?

Me: pretty good except Roy and Tameri weren’t impressed with my PG13 style.

*Hubby pulls up blog post and reads comments”

Hubby: well, maybe it’s time….maybe they are ready…

Me: for what – you have a good one for me?

Hubby: how about….balldazzling?

Me: haven’t we done the nether region bedazzling to death?

Hubby: a) when is talking about decorating our nether regions ever enough?!?! and b) there’s a video!!

Me: I’ll bite!

Balldazzle: to bling out your balls; similar to vajazzle, but for men (ding-a-ling bling’s crack head cousin).

Me: SHUT up. OMG! Riot!! But do you think it’ll be too much? Can my readers handle this?

Hubby: well, they said they wanted it a little more “edgy” and that’s definitely over the top! Or you could always showcase penazzling instead. I got a video for that one too.

Me: what?!?!?!

Penazzle: when a man bedazzles his man region using any sparkly/bejeweled variety of body art (ding-a-ling bling’s adopted brother).

Me: oh. my. god. I love the theme music but hubby…do you think we’ve gone too far?!??!

Hubby: never…your readers demanded extreme and you will deliver Hartford! Cowboy Up and post the words WITH videos!

Me: okey dokey!

What do you think? Did hubby and I go too far? Did we offend or sprinkle a giggle? Now that’s you’ve seen it in action, think you’d consider getting blinged up?

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Ding-a-ling bling

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Ding-a-ling bling: The act of bedazzling the male genital regions with crystals and bling.

Ding-a-ling-bling is the hot, twisted twin to vajazzle. He was born in the comments section of that post:

And then..Tameri’s gifts arrived (with a little ding-a-ling bling for hubby):

Examples Of Use:

With all that in mind, hubby and I stopped at the grocery store on the way home last night to pick up fresh salads for supper and a little dessert treat for our Valentine’s evening of romance. While standing in line loading our goodies on the counter, we enjoyed the following conversations much to the cashier and two other customers delight.

Hubby: how did you like your Valentine’s surprise today?

Me: awwww…I loved it honey! I totally thought you were towing a little puppy behind you! My heart skipped a beat!

Hubby: Walter is a puppy…just an inflatable puppy!

Me: yes…he’s adorable and I loved my surprise!

Hubby: trust me, the fun doesn’t stop there!

Me: oh really?!?! Do tell….

Hubby: let’s just say I put Tameri’s little gifts to good use and am sportin’ a little ding-a-ling bling for this evening’s fun!

Me: seriously?!?! Squeeee…I can’t wait to see Mr. Sparkle!

Hubby: trust me…Mr. Sparkle can’t wait to see you either.

Has your man ever surprised you with a little ding-a-ling bling? Think you’d give it a try? Come on…share the wealth…

If you enjoyed this post, check out more blog deliciousness here:

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