Urban Word Wednesday: Macturbate

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

I am still giggling and teeheeing over yesterday’s guest post with Jenny (gonna have to have that girl visit way more often)…did y’all see the comments? O.M.G. riot! Be sure to check it out today if you haven’t already.

Now…on to today’s fun!

Macturbate: v. to pleasure oneself through use of an Apple product.

Examples Of Use:

On Friday, Hubby and I were on vacay so we decided to hit a matinee. When we got to the mall, where our theatre is, we had about an hour to kill so I lured hubby down to the new Jump+ store. They sell Apple products. Hubby had to remove me from the store when I started drooling on things. The store sales representative seemed to get quite a kick out of us. Since we were the only two in the store, I am sure he couldn’t help but overhear.

Me: OMG, I want one of everything.

*I said as I lovingly ran my fingers over the MacBook Pro with Retina display laptop keyboard*

Hubby: really? I don’t get the big deal? Mac, Dell, whatever?!?!

Me: bite your tongue. Don’t talk so loose! These are MAC babies and they can hear you.

Hubby: if you could have anything in here, what would buy?

Me: one??? I’m torn between a MacBook Pro for the speed and the RETINA display or a MacBook Air for the dreamy light yet still powerful speed…drool! Quite frankly, I could macturbate with either and be quite satisfied.

*I thought hubby was going to choke*

Hubby: macturbate?!?!?! What in God’s name are you going to do to it?

 Me: get your mind out of the gutter hubby. There’s nothing dirty about macturbating. Mac people do it every day…all the time…you know, pleasure oneself through the use of an Apple product. I mean…just touch the keyboard here and feel the ripple of pleasure through your finger tips…ahhhh…

*At this point hubby started pulling me out of the store*

Hubby: we need to go before you get us arrested…

What is your dream computer? Think Macs rule the world or are all laptops pretty much the same? Which Mac would you recommend I get? Do you macturbate? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Pudge and a few of its dirty relatives

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Pudge: Belly fat; the fat over your abs. For an extreme amount of pudge, more u’s can be added for emphasis (puuuuuuudge).

You haven’t been around the block till y’a met pudge’s dirty cousin (she’s totally into women); Pussy Fat: The fat surrounding the pussy. And her super raunchy auntie (she comes by it honestly…and the two go everywhere together…total ho’s!); Gunt: A protruding sack of fat which extends from the lower abdomen to the upper genital area (gut+cunt=gunt).

Examples Of Use:

I started a Hip Hop dance class this week. Kill me now. After I staggered home hardly able to walk, I headed straight to the bathtub for a soak in Epsom salts where hubby and I had the following discussion as I was drying off; much to our own private delight. Enjoy the peak into our fabulous insanity.

Me: this aging thing is for the birds. I’ve noticed that even my feet are starting to wrinkle. And don’t even get me started on this new piece of pussy fat. What in God’s name is that?

Hubby: pussy fat…where?

*I demo by grabbing the new slightly fleshy part above my hooha*

Hubby: So what?! You’ve got a little gunt. No big deal.

Me: WHAT?!?! I HAVE A GUNT?!?!

Hubby: it’s tiny…seriously! To be honest, it’s more like a wee bit of pudge. You are just a bit pudgy.

Me: OMG I have a gunt…I can’t believe it. I wonder if there are any exercises I can do to flatten it. I don’t mind a little belly fat but there’s no way I can tolerate a gunt. This has gone too far.

Hubby: honey, seriously…I should have never used the G-word. You are ok…relax…you do not have a gunt! And even if you did, it’d be the sexiest little gunt around.

 Me: I’m gonna need more than Hip Hop to fix this.

Ok people, I need some lower abdomen work out tips and tricks. Gotta flatten and tone the gunt before it gets out of control…Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

  • Got a great kick out of Leanne Shirtliffe’s post on flea market vocabulary…cause I could totally see my hubby in his place. LOL!
  • JUST about peed myself laughing so hard when I read Noa’s post are you a strong lady or just an enormous asshole? OMG! I am totally forwarding that around. I know some gals that need this as a benchmark! Myself included.
  • Funniest. Blog Post. EVER! Tameri Etherton had the strangest massage and had us all in tears laughing about it. Join in.

Urban Word Wednesday: Port-a-Hover

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Port-a-Hover: the hover position women take when using a port-a-potty so that their ass cheeks don’t touch the seat of the port-a-potty.

Examples Of Use:

As you know, hubby and I recently took a little mini-vacation to Shediac, New Brunswick: beach/cottage country. As it so happened, the Lobster Festival was in full swing during our stay which meant tons of neat things to see and do; daily entertainment, concerts, and a full exhibition with rides and games galore.

On Thursday evening, after a long day at the beach, we headed over to the beer gardens to see a great Bon Jovi tribute band, Keep the Faith.

Since it was a beer garden, there weren’t any seats. So before the band came on stage, hubby and I copped a squat just outside the tent on a side walk. The port-a-potties just behind us.

We enjoyed a beer and the cool breeze. There were people all around us, sitting, standing, smoking. That’s when hubby and I had the following convo much to our neighbor’s chuckles.

Hubby: you gonna check out a port-a-potty before the concert?

Me: yeah, probably a good idea.

Hubby: make sure you do the port-a-hover.

Me: Nah, I’m just gonna sit right down in the urine.

*Hubby snorts his beer – girl next to him (who was obviously eavesdropping) has her jaw dropped*

Hubby: what?!?!?

Me (with a straight face): my hamstring is still sore from golf so I don’t think I can manage the port-a-hover. Whatever. It’s only urine right? I mean…in emergency situations, people drink it so how bad can it be to get some on my ass? A GoGirl would totally come in handy right now!

Hubby: I’m speechless!

*we fist pump*

Do you practice the port-a-hover? Ever had to just sit down (and shudder to think what’s beneath you)? Share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Flavorgasm

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Flavorgasm: when eating food so good that you let out an involuntary moan, usually the first bite; also as an adjective – flavorgasmic.

Examples Of Use:

Last week I told you about hubby and I enjoying making our waitress bust a gut over our fartability conversation. Well, the fun didn’t end there. After our pizza was served, she, as is customary, came back to check on us.

Waitress: is everything ok? How’s the pizza?

Me (with mouth full of pizza): Ohhhhhh….ummmmm….YESSSSSSSSSSSSS….soooooo gooooodddddd!!!! 

*not quite When Harry Met Sally style….but you get the idea*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hubby: I apologize for her…We were in the Dominican for 2 weeks and this is our first pizza since getting back….she’s been having a total flavorgasm each bite.

Waitress looks at me like I have 18 heads.

I stare up and start moaning again.

Hubby shakes his head giggling.

Waitress: uhhhh…ok. Can I get you a refill on your Pepsi?

Hubby: that’d be great!

What dish always guarantees you a flavorgasm? What’s your favorite flavorgasmic food? Ever actually moan out loud…in public? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

MADD Canada 2012-2013 School Assembly Program is now booking

According to MADD Canada, road crashes continue to be the number one cause of death among young people in Canada and alcohol is a factor in nearly 45% of those crashes. How desperately sad is that?

In an effort to stop impaired driving among teens, MADD Canada offers an annual school assembly programs that is designed to communicate specifically with young people; on their level and in their language. The program is given across Canada to more than 1 million students from Grades 7 through 12. It presents students with solid information and best practices in a style that we all hope will encourage them to make the decision to drive sober and to never get in the car with someone they suspect has been drinking.

This year, hubby and I were super-duper proud of The Dude when he was approached by MADD Canada to take part in the 2012-2013 video and agreed. I wrote about here. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for him to share such horrific details about his experience but…he did. And I have no doubt his efforts, and those of everyone involved in the production, will save lives.

This year’s video, entitled Long Weekend, is a dramatization that highlights the devastating consequences when a teen decides to drive impaired after partying at a summer cottage. It ends with testimonials from real-life victims, like The Dude, who share their experience.

Check out this highlight:

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Watching the highlight, I was blown away by the quality of the production. It’s no silly video that is going to have teens giggling from the poor acting and bad lighting. This is obviously a production that’s had a lot of thought, time, energy and fund invested in it.

MADD Canada is currently taking bookings for its upcoming School Assembly Program. For more information, visit the website.

What do you think? Powerful? Think it’ll strike a chord with teens? Think it speaks to them in their language?

In 2009, my beautiful mother-in-law’s life was cut tragically short by an impaired driver and my stepson’s life changed forever. In honor of Donna and Jordan Kennie, please don’t drink and drive. Impaired driving is 100% preventable. Think about it.

Support MADD Canada and follow them on Facebook, Twitter (@maddcanada), YouTube, and on the Web.

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Shit Show

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Shit Show: A description of an event or situation which is characterized by a ridiculously inordinate amount of frenetic activity, disorganization and chaos to an absurd degree. A shit show is often associated with extreme ineptitude/incompetence and or sudden and unexpected failure.

Examples Of Use:

Hubby and I were waiting in line to get my favorite butter pecan latte last week; much to the amusement of the barista.

Hubby: so how was last night’s event?!?!??

Me: a total shit show! Honestly, I’ve never seen anything quite like it. The right hand had no idea what the left hand was doing. Registration was a mess. Everything started late. The main speaker didn’t even show. Complete and utter shit show! The shit show of all shit shows! The magna of all shit shows! A total waste of my time.

Hubby: you really need to learn how to express yourself better…you are so reserved and unfeeling…I totally didn’t get the true “sense” of your emotions here! 

*winks at the barista who is in a fit of giggles at this point*

Me: I know…I am way to self-contained. I need to learn to let go, open up, and express how I really feel! But seriously…it was that freaking bad! Lesson learned. I won’t attend one of their events again.

Hubby: always good to know.

Ever attend a real shit show? Or worse, ever organize a shit show? An event that was jaw-droppingly disorganized, chaotic and insane? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Vagancy

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Vagancy (pronounced vaj-ancy): A portmanteau of the words “Vagina” and “Vacancy” meaning a vacant vagina.

Examples Of Use:

While down in the Dominican Republic on vacation, hubby and love to people watch and we like to have a little fun while at it! We were lying on our beach chairs with some friends (and strangers alike) around when hubby spotted a woman….ummm…really working on her tan.

Hubby: wowzers – will you look at that?

Me: what?

*hubby gives a nudge to look towards the water*

Me: well now…that’s confidence! At least she won’t have those smiley-face tan lines when she bends over.

Hubby: posed like that, it looks like she’s advertising a vagancy.

Me: well, she’s definitely putting it all out there.

Friends: ok, what in God’s name in a vagancy?

Hubby: you know, availability in the vagina.

Friends: OMG – seriously? You two are whacked.

Hubby and I: we know!

I know you’ve all got stories about women overtly displaying their vagancy…come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

  • Near died reading The Oatmeal’s horrible cards. RIOT! Sadly, I could use some of these.
  • Elena Aitken’s guest post on Leanne Shirtliffe’s blog with the top 10 signs Mom needs a vacation had me keeling over in giggles.
  • Ever gone toe to toe with raccoons? OMG loved K.B. Owen’s post on the little furry bandits and all the stories everyone had to share.

Urban Word Wednesday: Glamping

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Glamping (a most beloved portmanteau): Shorthand for glamorous camping; luxury camping. It’s like regular camping but with nicer things than usual, being warmer, and more comfortable.

Examples Of Use:

Hubby and I were doing some shopping at Canadian Tire when I struck gold.

Me: OMG! It’s perfect. I can’t wait to go glamping with this treasure!

Hubby: glamping?!?

Me: you know…DUH….glamour camping!

Hubby: I should have known if there was such a thing, you’d find it.

Me: I am totally taken that as a compliment!

Me: don’t you think this stainless steel wine glass says rustic, glamour? It’s glamping baby. It’s our new camping style! Consider it like an upgrade…

Hubby: I must say, it suits you perfectly!

Me: I know, doesn’t it?!?! I think I’ll bedazzle it with some hot pink rhinestones to really glamp it up!

Hubby: that’d be swell – can you make me one in blue?

Me: absolutely…and I found you a little glamping treasure I think you’ll love. I mean, you know I wouldn’t want you to feel left out. How about THIS for cooking up our yummies while we are roughing it?

Hubby: that’s certainly an upgrade to our frying pan over an open fire. I could adjust…I think I’m gonna like glamping!!!  

What’s your camping style? Would you go glamping? What other glamping gems have you seen that are “must haves”?


P.S. Remember, hubby and I are on vacation until April 23, 2012 but have fun and talk amongst yourselves!

More blog deliciousness here:

More bathroom delight

Y’all know by now that hubby and I just love laughing and having fun. And we love to give the gift of laughter to many of our friends and family. Sometimes we regale them with hilarious stories of our adventures and mishaps and other times we like to surprise them with little jokes. Given that we fell head over heels for the potty putter, you know bathroom fun cracks us up! Well, I KNEW when I saw this next ditty, it was right up our alley!

Meet the talking toilet paper holder!

O.M.G!

Yip, you record (and can re-record) little messages, music or sounds that are played every time the toilet paper “rolls.”

Imagine the “jump” your guests will get when they pull off a wipe device and get treated to:

Don’t forget to wash your hands!

Please remain seated during the performance.

This is a bathroom not a library!

Whoa! Somebody light a match… quick!

Oh no you didn’t?!?!?!

The plunger is behind the toilet!

We heard you all the way in the kitchen!

Score 2 points for that one!

This is definitely the MOST fun we could have for $10 bucks!

What are some of the best practical jokes you’ve played on family or friends? What are some of the best practical jokes that have been played on you?

It’s Twisted Tuesday and that means it’s time to enjoy a smile, giggle or laugh…here’s hoping I’ve provided it in spades…enjoy!

If you enjoyed this post, check out more blog deliciousness here:

  • I read Noa Gavin’s post that cursing is rad and realized…I am cool!!! Hilarious! I’ll will say it’s nice to finally have some support! LOL!
  • Near died reading Leanne Shirtliffe’s post on Wordbitches about 25 pick-up lines for writers. OMG!
  • August McLaughlin did a post this week that was by FAR one of the most embarrassing moments I’ve ever read about. I still couldn’t help but laugh – sorry girl! LOL!

The joy of bad Christmas presents

When I receive a terrible Christmas present, I cover my distaste by being overly enthusiastic. I put on the biggest smile, scream in delight, and talk about the million ways I can use said awful thing. I go on and on for at least a good 5 to 10 minutes in the hopes that the gift-giver has no idea how appalled I am at their insanity! I figure regardless of how nasty it is, they still went out and made an effort, right?

As an adult, I’ve received some real doozies in my life! Lord, I hope the gift-givers aren’t reading my blog?!?!? A single pizza baking sheet (that I knew had come in a pack of two), a set of used wrenches, regifted gifts (finding the tag of the original gift giver on the back), coupons, a neon red plastic bowl, a pair of children’s socks, and my all-time fav…a red and blue foam sword. Yes…a foam sword.

OMG, I LOVE IT!!! A form sword…I’ve like always WANTED a FOAM SWORD!!! How did you know?!!!?!?! This is fantastic!!! I am going to spend the rest of today beating people with it…it’s ahhmazing!! I love that you guys get me THE BEST and funnest gifts EVER!! WOW….THANK YOU!!!

Yip….no joke! I was THAT enthusiastic! I mean, I won’t lie…I did have a blast assaulting everyone at Christmas dinner with it but…a foam sword as a Christmas gift to a woman in her 30s?!?! Not sure what the thinking was there but hey…I tried to be gracious!

Well, these parents put my terrible Christmas presents to shame! I am sure most of you heard about Jimmy Kimmel’s YouTube challenge?! He asked parents in America to play a little trick on their kids. A couple of weeks before Christmas, let them open one gift early but give them something really terrible. Capture their reactions on video and upload it to YouTube.

It’s HYSTERICAL. I love how honest kids are. Maybe I should give that a try next time I receive a bad gift?

Lucky for me, this year I scored and averted the terrible Christmas present. Phew! Huge relief. It can be exhausting putting on that kind of show.

It’s Twisted Tuesday and that means it’s time to enjoy a smile, giggle or laugh…here’s hoping I’ve provided it in spades…enjoy!

Time to dish the dirt! Tell me about your most terrible Christmas presents ever! How did you cover your reaction or…did you? Come on…share the wealth! Your secrets are safe here!

If you enjoyed this post, check out more blog deliciousness here:

  • I am still chucking from Jillian Dodd’s interview with Piper Bayard and Kristen Lamb as their Presidential Campaign tour stopped by her blog!
  • Get some fantastic beauty dos and don’t (and some laughs) from Leanne Shirtliffe who is one sassy mom.
  • I just about died laughing when I read Jenny from the Blog’s post on the top 10 resolutions anyone can keep for 2012. I think I actually snorting out pop when I read number 5 on staying out of touch and number 10 on gossiping more. OMG riot.
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