Urban Word Wednesday: Kennie

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME (and hubby)…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Kennie: the name for the inner ring of muscles surrounding the anus.

Examples Of Use:

Now I know you are all wondering how in God’s name this term, in this context, happened to come up between me and hubby. Buckle up peeps. It’s hubby’s last name. We were at breakfast on the weekend when we enjoyed this conversation…

Me: alright Kennie…you ready to go?

Hubby: did I mention I looked up what Kennie means in the Urban Dictionary.

Me: you searched your last name???

Hubby: I was curious, what can I say? And I was not happy with what I found.

Me: do tell!  

Hubby: Kennie is the inner ring of muscles in the anus!

Me: seriously?!?! OMG that’s perfect. *ROFL*

Hubby: I didn’t find it very funny!

Me *between giggles*: really??? Because I find it kind of suiting…you can be quite the ass…and it turns out you technically are one. How perfect!

*thought the waitress ringing in our check was going to fall over*

Hubby: you are disturbing!

Me: OMG the fun I am going to have with this. Come on Kennie, let’s get you home so you can relieve yourself. How are you feeling today Kennie…super stretched or tight as a drum? What’s coming down the pipe Kennie? O.M.G this is fabulous!

Hubby: I regret telling you already!

Me: you know you love it. Now get your ass together and let’s go…

Ever google or urban dictionary your first or last name? Any deranged meanings? Any nasty (meant with the greatest of love) pet names for your significant other? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Pumpkin Goatse

Happy Halloween and welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME, hubby…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Pumpkin Goatse: A carved pumpkin made to mimic a real-life goatse, which a disgusting picture of a man stretching his butt extremely wide.

Examples Of Use:

Hubby’s family hosted their annual Family Pumpkin Day this past Sunday. On Saturday, hubby and I set off in search of the perfect pumpkins to purchase. We hit a local farmer’s pumpkin patch to scour through the hundreds of choices (along with many other families gearing up for Halloween).

As we were perusing, I turned to see hubby bent over, staring intently at a pumpkin while at the same time grabbing his ass cheeks with either hand.

Me: WHAT are you doing? Are you fart constipated again?

*said in a high-pitched hushed whisper*

Hubby: I am farting just fine. I want to do a pumpkin goatse this year so I am visualizing.

Me: what in God’s name is a pumpkin goatse?

Pumpkin Goatse Example

Hubby: you know…a picture of a guy holding his ass cheeks and spreading it wide for all the world to see.

Me: and you want to do this to a pumpkin?

*hubby is still bent over having this conversation*

Hubby: yes…I’ve showed you the pictures. They are hilarious!

Me: ok…but that doesn’t explain why you are bent over doing a clothed demo of a goatse for all these people to enjoy? I mean your ass is hot but I think you might be starting to scare the children.

*finally he lets go of his own ass only to start man-handling the pumpkin*

Hubby: the children are fine! They’ve likely seen worse. I am trying to get a sense whether or not this pumpkin has the right shaped potential buns and crack. I want them perfectly round and supple like my own so I thought a hands-on approach would help in the determination.

Me: good lord…well does that pumpkin fit the bill or not cause I think you are about to get arrested for sexually assaulting it.

Hubby: not quite what I am looking for. You may want to sit in the car. This testing could take a while. I do have a pretty perfect ass.

Hubby opted for a carving that was slightly more meaningful than the pumpkin goatse. At least our trick or treaters won’t be scared for life.

Your spouse ever embarrass you in public? What pumpkin shopping stories do you have? Got a great pumpkin carvings to share? How do you celebrate Halloween? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Macturbate

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

I am still giggling and teeheeing over yesterday’s guest post with Jenny (gonna have to have that girl visit way more often)…did y’all see the comments? O.M.G. riot! Be sure to check it out today if you haven’t already.

Now…on to today’s fun!

Macturbate: v. to pleasure oneself through use of an Apple product.

Examples Of Use:

On Friday, Hubby and I were on vacay so we decided to hit a matinee. When we got to the mall, where our theatre is, we had about an hour to kill so I lured hubby down to the new Jump+ store. They sell Apple products. Hubby had to remove me from the store when I started drooling on things. The store sales representative seemed to get quite a kick out of us. Since we were the only two in the store, I am sure he couldn’t help but overhear.

Me: OMG, I want one of everything.

*I said as I lovingly ran my fingers over the MacBook Pro with Retina display laptop keyboard*

Hubby: really? I don’t get the big deal? Mac, Dell, whatever?!?!

Me: bite your tongue. Don’t talk so loose! These are MAC babies and they can hear you.

Hubby: if you could have anything in here, what would buy?

Me: one??? I’m torn between a MacBook Pro for the speed and the RETINA display or a MacBook Air for the dreamy light yet still powerful speed…drool! Quite frankly, I could macturbate with either and be quite satisfied.

*I thought hubby was going to choke*

Hubby: macturbate?!?!?! What in God’s name are you going to do to it?

 Me: get your mind out of the gutter hubby. There’s nothing dirty about macturbating. Mac people do it every day…all the time…you know, pleasure oneself through the use of an Apple product. I mean…just touch the keyboard here and feel the ripple of pleasure through your finger tips…ahhhh…

*At this point hubby started pulling me out of the store*

Hubby: we need to go before you get us arrested…

What is your dream computer? Think Macs rule the world or are all laptops pretty much the same? Which Mac would you recommend I get? Do you macturbate? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Bed Browsing

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Bed Browsing: Similar to Web Browsing, but done from the comfort of your bed.

Examples Of Use:

I’ve been desperately sick with a head cold this week and been stuck in bed since Sunday; except for my big adventure yesterday to the drug store for Kleenex and other supplies. When hubby got home last night, he took pity on me and offered to take me out in my cozy comfort clothes for comfort food. Pizza. We enjoyed this conversation while ordering our deep dish.

Hubby: I can’t believe you haven’t really left the house since Sunday.

Me: I know…I was feeling a wee bit claustrophobic today although the bed browsing has helped keep me entertained; when I’ve been awake that is.

Hubby: bed browsing? Are you shopping for a new bed?

Me: nope…surfing the web from the comfort of my bed! Bed browsing.

Hubby: hahaha…well I am sure your blogging family has been keeping your spirits up.

Me: the comments on mine and Jenny’s blogs over our Missed Connections fun have definitely helped!

Hubby: nothing better than bed browsing…

Do you ever partake in bed browsing? What kind of set up is most comfortable? 1 pillow or 2? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Lightweight Reader

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Lightweight Reader: Someone who gets sleepy or passes out shortly after starting to read.

Examples Of Use:

Hubby and I started back to Death by Swimming this week. We were waiting in the pool entrance area to go to our class along with a couple of our adult co-swimmers and dozens of kids and parents. We enjoyed the following conversation much to the parents’ delight.

Hubby: I woke up at 2 am last night with the light still on and my Kindle on my chest! I was so mad. This new Ted Dekker book is fantastic but I can’t seem to get very far…I read for like 2 minutes and then I pass out.

Me: sorry to tell ya, it was more like 2 seconds big guy!

HubbyI know…it sucks. And I’ve always been like that. It was a struggle to get through school.

Meyou’re lightweight reader. It doesn’t matter where you are or what you are doing, you start reading and BAM, you are asleep…in like seconds. Last week camping, I looked out to find you in your folding chair, head on your chest, sound asleep with your Kindle on your lap. Like who can fall asleep sitting UP in those uncomfortable chairs!?!?! Only a lightweight reader…

HubbyI know. It’s crazy and I don’t know what to do. It’s like my Kindle is a sleeping pill.

Me: well, you are gonna have to man up if you want to read with the big dogs. I can get through a book a week. Try to keep up would ya?

Hubby: I am gonna have to take up drinking coffee…or try reading at the kitchen table!

Are you a lightweight reader or can you breeze through words on a page for hours? Even lying down? Know a lightweight reader? Any tips for hubby on staying awake? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

  • Jenny from the Blog’s post on who wouldn’t want to be a MILF (mom I’d like to f*ck) is a riot! I near fell over. So true!
  • New blog I found and LOVE. Kat O’ Nine Tales. Calen Spindler’s post on dating over 30 and the follow-up to the wrongest story ever was hysterical (and yes, follow her link to read the wrongest story ever)!
  • Paige Kellerman always cracks me up but her eviction letter to her baby had me rolling on the floor. Note: Paige has since had the BABY! A gorgeous baby boy born September 4, 2012 weighing in at nine pounds and seven ounces. Wowzers!! Congrats Paige!!

Urban Word Wednesday: Bathtub Jesus

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Bathtub Jesus: Decorative lawn ornament, popular through much of New England, where an old cast-iron bathtub is buried standing up, halfway into the ground, and a statue of Jesus is placed inside. Frequently seen near or with a lawn ball. Associated with white trash.

Examples Of Use:

Yesterday, I talked about meeting my first ever, real life Bathtub Jesus on the weekend. Well, you had to know hubby and I would have some fun with that! On Sunday we golfed Pine Needles Golf and Country Club’s 18-hole River Course. This course ain’t for sissies. It’s a tough 5500-yard (women’s tee) course with lots of length, water, trees, and sand to test your skill. But I love it.

The first time I golfed it (3 years ago…my first year golfing), I scored a 270 (par for women is 73 but most people I golf with are around 110 to 120). I practically played the course twice. But you’ll be happy to know, I shaved a few strokes off my score since then. I’ve been averaging around 150.

Hubby and I enjoyed this conversation in the club house as we returned the key to our cart.

Hubby: I can’t believe you beat me…by 1 stroke…first time ever, eh?! You even pared a 500+ yard hole. A 120 is amazing! Great game…congrats honey!

Me: I owe it all to Bathtub Jesus.

Hubby: what does Bathtub Jesus have to do with anything?

Me: well, this morning when you thought I went to the bathroom, I actually walked down to the drug dealer’s Bathtub Jesus and had a little chat with the old fella…I asked him and his Dad to show me some golf luv!

Hubby: you know, I think their Bathtub Jesus is actually a Bathtub Mary?

Me: whoever it is…I think we need one! It’s obviously bringing the drug dealer some good luck and look how I golfed today?!?! We could put him or Mary near the cedar bush…it’d look fahhhbulous!

Hubby: God help me…

Me: that’s who I am trying to hook you up with…I am tellin’ ya!!!

Do you have any yard ornaments or decorations displayed? Seen any good ones lately? What [insert sport of choice here] God do you pray to? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: When Jesus Comes

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME, hubby…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Is this how you want to be when Jesus comes back?: a slang saying hubby jokingly asks me to see if I am comfortable with my behavior or (more likely) my choice of words and/or continued joking. Gets asked a lot when we are bantering back and forth. Originally from the movie Joe Dirt (see 4:41…it’s one of hubby’s favorite movies).

Examples Of Use:

Hubby and I were at the campground on the weekend and had dinner at the little canteen Friday evening. They make the BEST chicken strips. YUM! Given there was a good size crowd waiting to order and get food, hubby and I (as usual) decided to indulge in some friendly marital shock-and-awe bantering to keep everyone entertained. You know us when we get around a crowd of strangers. The gloves come off and laughter follows.

Note: there were no children scarred for life in the making of this Urban Word Wednesday post.

Hubby: so…we…ummm…gonna get it on later? Get the trailer a rocking?

Me: well with foreplay like that…absolutely! How could I resist??? I am wet just hearing the words. I nearly had an orgasm right here. Blew. My. Socks. Off. How about we skip dinner and go behind that tree right there?

Hubby: give a guy a break. I am not investing all that time and effort in foreplay just to get an “I’m tired…” I gotta know upfront if I stand a chance or not. Then I’ll invest. Just sayin’!

Me: sweep me off my feet Mr. Romance. We women can’t commit in advance. Lord. With all my hormones ranging around, I don’t know how I’m going to feel in 2 minutes, let alone 2 hours. Even if I said “sure thing hot stuff” right now…it ain’t a guarantee…sorry…but you’ll just have to take your chances…

Hubby: is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back?

Me: bring it on hubby…I ain’t afraid! Me and Jesus are hooked up! He’s got my back.

Hubby: seriously?!?!

Me: hell yes…triple z snap!

What are your favorite slang sayings that you and your partner share? Any inside jokes you wanna share? What phrases does he/she have that always crack you up, put a smile on your face and make you laugh? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Sexpiration Date

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Sexpiration Date: When a man or woman has reached the maximum amount of time he or she can go without sexual intercourse.

Example Of Use:

Hubby and I were at the movies on Friday night. We went and saw Expendables 2 (loved it). By the time we got to the theatre, it was nearly full. We were having our popcorn, waiting for the movie to start while enjoying our usual banter. Much to our neighbors delight.

Hubby: do you think this could be a real “date night” tonight?

Me: what do you mean?

Hubby: you know….dinner…a movie…home for a little quality nookie?

Me: you call eating at the mall food court dinner?

Hubby: ok…since I short-changed you on dinner, I’d be willing to opt for a quickie when we get home. A little wham bam!

Me: hmmm…you’ve got yourself a deal! What’s up with your need to confirm here and now?

Hubby: I’ve reached my sexpiration date.

Me: sexpiration date?

Hubby: you know….the max amount of time I can go without getting it on.

Me: what happens if you pass your sexpiration date? Do you go chunky and awful smelling like the milk?

*I thought the ladies in front of us were going to DIE”

Hubby: nice…of course not. But I do get kind of cranky.

Me: True enough. Not worth the risk. We’ll take care of that tonight!

What’s your sexpiration date? Is it the same or different from your partners? Come on…share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Duck Dress

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these!

Duck Dress: A dress or skirt so short one can almost see your stuff.

Examples Of Use:

Hubby and I are always stunned by what people will wear. Just incredible. While out camping this weekend, we hit the very busy canteen for the to-die-for chicken strips and onion rings dinner. Sitting at the picnic table with another couple our age (strangers), hubby and I enjoyed the following conversation.

Me: my God….and Mom used to be outraged by what I wanted to wear when I was 15. I was practically dressed like a nun compared to what girls that age are wearing today.

Hubby: I know…it’s crazy. They are showing more skin than ever.

Me: I mean I am all for the mini skirt but check out those two over there. They can’t be more than 15 and they are wearing duck dresses for God sakes!

Hubby: duck dresses???

Me: you know, a dress that’s 1 inch below their quack!

*Hubby and the couple sitting with us near died laughing!*

Me: it barely covers their clam burger and their ass is about to fall out. I mean…if they drop a quarter, they are shit out of luck!

Are you stunned by how short girls are wearing their skirts today? Ever wear a duck dress and spent the evening tugging at the hem? Come on….share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

Urban Word Wednesday: Facebook Philosopher

Welcome to Urban Word Wednesday! New words, phrases, and sayings I am learning (and using in my day-to-day life) brought to you by ME…and the Urban Dictionary. You are gonna love these

First….Happy Independence Day/Fourth of July to all my lovely American friends! I hope you all have a wonderful day and celebrate well and wonderfully!!! Now…on to a little UWW fun!

Facebook Philosopher: An individual whose Facebook statuses are often clichéd quotes such as “when in doubt, just take the next small step”, “make peace with the past so it doesn’t screw up the present”, or “sometimes it’s hard to understand, but time tells truth.” These give the impression that said Facebook user is wise, when in fact they are merely putting on airs.

Examples Of Use:

Hubby: have you been following Mel’s status on Facebook?

Me: not in particular…just whatever comes through my news feed when I happen to be online. Why?

Hubby: well, she’s turned into quite the little Facebook Philosopher*.

Me: really – how so?

Hubby: here’s some of her status updates from June:

Me: good for her for putting these lovely, positive affirmations out there for the world to enjoy. We could all stand to be a little more of a Facebook Philosopher.

Hubby: absolutely!

*Mel, only part of the definition applies to you – we don’t think you are “merely putting on airs” but are in fact…wise! So keep being the inspirational Facebook Philosopher that you are. We love it! And thanks for letting me abuse you for this edition of Urban Word Wednesday (I mean, you knew it’d happen eventually, right?! LOL)!

Know any Facebook Philosophers? What are some of your favorite quotes? Come on…Share the wealth…

More blog deliciousness here:

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