By Jenny Hansen
Hey, y’all!! How fun to come romp over here at Nat’s place…she’s got the place decorated just how I like it, all pink and dazzly. Natalie is hanging out at More Cowbell today for Techie Tuesday while I twist things up over here.
You see, I found this product. And it looks VERY naughty.
It was Gloria Richard that sent me on the hunt for “Ben Kegel…” (And we all know that Gloria is more than a little wild. Click here to see an example that includes coffee grounds and Saran Wrap.)
It all started with this exchange in the comments of my Crazy Books post, Coping With A Small Um…:
Well, I DIDN’T find Gloria’s Ben Kegel but Holy Mother of GOD, I found THIS and decided it was perfect for Nat’s Twisted Tuesday.
Behold, The Bladder Dominatrix (aka The Kegelmaster)! That’s a name that conjures up whips and chains, no?
Oh, they say it’s for your bladder, but that’s not what it looks like to me! I’ve been to a bridal shower or two in my time and the above looks distinctly like the “fun kits” that are made for the bedroom. I’m just sayin…
But the part that slayed me is the verbiage when you get to the “Advanced” model. To be honest, these people are scaring me with the Advanced, Deluxe and ULTIMATE labels.
+64 Advanced levels??? WTH?!?
Um…how do I say this without giving y’all TMI? OK, there simply is no way. Plus, we’re at Natalie’s place where I can say anything…
Writers aren’t known for being the most coordinated bunch. I have visions of the +64 “Advanced” levels either knocking me off the bed or making me pee myself. Neither image makes me feel warm or fuzzy toward the Bladder Dominatrix.
I just don’t know that I’m ready to undertake “resistance exercise” for the vagina. I mean, I’m already killing myself with Crossfit and one new exercise program a year is enough for me.
Note: Teri Hatcher from Desperate Housewives swears by it, saying she’s “got the strongest Kitty Cat in town” but I still have my doubts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Does the nation’s fitness craze really need to extend to our hoohahs? Since when are sex and normal kegels not enough?? What do y’all think?
To exercise the vajayjay or NOT to exercise the vajayjay? That is the +64 Advanced Level question.
About Jenny Hansen
Jenny fills her nights with humor: writing memoir, women’s fiction, chick lit, short stories (and chasing after the newly walking Baby Girl). By day, she provides training and social media marketing for an accounting firm. After 15 years as a corporate software trainer, she’s digging this sit down and write thing.
When she’s not at her blog, More Cowbell, Jenny can be found on Twitter at jhansenwrites and here at Writers In The Storm. Every Saturday, she writes the Risky Baby Business posts at More Cowbell, a series that focuses on babies, new parents and high-risk pregnancy.
Since I don’t have a hoohah,and my “part” is not a kitty, I’m not sure how appropriate my feedback will be. But here I go anyway.
Exercise is to improve our abilities, stamina and strength, and it makes us happy. ALL if those SHOULD be applied to sex. Right? I’m not saying I’m going to go out and look for the male version of a kegel, although we could probably spend an entire day discussing the merits of such a device and what it would be called.
Does this turn your kitty into a Bengal tiger? I don’t know. What I do know is that I LOVE cats.
“Does this turn your kitty into a Bengal tiger?” <— Bahahahaha!! Wait until Nat's Hubby gets into the game on this one! I cannot wait to see y'all blogjack this thing.
What a freaking fantastic comment, Zack. Thanks for the laugh. I can't wait to see what you find for the males. (Although, technically, for the hetero set, this product IS for the males.)
They Mayo Clinic talks about Kegel exercises for men, how to do them, etc. There IS a Kegel device for men. Here is a comment about the Kegel devices from LIVESTRONG.com.
“The devices for women slide into the vagina, but the men’s devices go into the anus. There is a seat that is a foam cushion similar to a bicycle seat. These devices will improve muscle tone, according to Kegel-Exerciser.com.”
Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/306547-kegel-exercise-device-for-men/#ixzz28oXb6PJR
There is even a “Vibrance Kegel Device” that rewards a succesful Kegel squeeze (measured by an elongated and slightly ribbed anal insert) with a vibration….. :/ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkeDD-MV0X0
Um….. Yeah…… You see, it’s like this. I loathe getting a prostate exam because, a) the Dr. has elephantitis of the finger (that is how it feels), or b) I’m not a big fan of something slinking up my down-pipe. So I don’t plan on using a robo probe on a bike seat to improve my Kegel workout.
(and yes, I have done Kegel exercises for some time now, sans ASSistance from any device)
Cant. Stop. Laughing over “something slinking up my down-pipe”
BAHAHAHAHAHA!
O.M.G. DYING!
First Bengal Tiger – DIED! Then the male kegel device!!! ROFLMAO!!!
Ladies, you’ve been totally blog-jacked by a pro!
Zack, LOVE the Bengal tiger reference. But look out for the claws. MEE-OWW.
The men’s kegel thing kills me. I mean, what guy is gonna pay for what’s essentially a daily, self-administered prostate exam? LOL!
*bowing* Kathy, what a compliment!
KA-SHNORT!
I knew my thinking* was flawed and would likely expose my
Kegelbuttwild side one day.[*Thinking: You're FREE to say whatever pops into your noggin in comments b/c no one but the blog owner ever reads those.]
I could go all hereinafter I shall keep comments staid and sober, ergo I choose not to comment. [Forsooth.] But, where’s the fun in that?
On to your rocking
hardfind…I’ll be back. Need to find the product to find out what “adjusts to fit” means.
Also, I am certain the one item they could exclude from all kits with no risk of customer complaints is the “bladder diary.” (10:08: Leakage in Aisle 4 while perusing DBx2 products.)
And they had to call that pink thing a bunny? Really? If it’s what I suspect it is [Hey! I read Fifty Shades. Very...erm...educational.]…
…that bunny is too far away from Kegels to be in the same
erotictime zone.Doing
this<======== is the same as never having typed the word in the first place, right? Right?Okay. Wrong! I was wrong.
There is a reason they call it a bunny and it is in the same time zone. I always thought Google sounded a bit naughty. Now, I know why. It was a foreshadowing of what I would one day discover.
The image on the home page for this product is a hoot! Four women sitting around the table — one with a glass of lemonade and another with a garden-party-worthy pitcher filled with it (lemonade — not the product)…
Really?
“Let’s have a garden party and review our bladder diaries!
KA-SHNORT! Another coffee-spew post by Jenny.
Bunny for health Gloria, the bunny is for your health. How about the duo tone balls…for discreet pleasure. *sigh* TMI ALERT, my pleasure has never been discreet, hence, the no sex when kid is w/in a 5 mile radius.
The whole thing is scarily hilarious. Although, I do swear by my Kegels — I just never thought I’d have to by exercise equipment for it. Hey, I wonder if I can get a trade-time-for-fitness reimbursement for this…
ROFL, Amy. I’m not all that discreet either. If you submit your “pleasure balls” for reimbursement, will you please please tell us what they say??!
LMAO!!!! Luv it….reimbursement…STELLAR Amy.
I KNOW!!! I could live my entire life without seeing a “bladder diary” – I don’t even want to know what one would record there. Perhaps in 40 years it will all make sense, but by then I won’t CARE. I’m just sayin…
Hahaha! Maybe it could be “research” for a book; turn someone you really despise into a character who has to keep a “bladder diary.”
Now, that’s a damn fine idea, Kathy. Ooooooh….
DIBS! Is it too late to call dibs on a character who keeps a bladder diary? Kathy? It was your idea. Say I can have it. Please, please, please…
What if I throw in the offer that said character will also purchase and
abuse the KegelMaster on the page? I’m thinking an inept, know-it-nothing, middle-aged character.Too late! Miriam already has her pal, Pay, teed up to purchase.
Remember, Gloria, there’s only like 6 ideas in the universe. We could ALL include the Kegelmaster and it would only make it that much funnier. But I’m rubbing my hands together with glee, hoping that you buy it!!
Gloria, go for it! I think it should be called a “bladder confessional” though – much more racy!
ROFL!! Bladder confessional – LUV it Kathy!
LOL. Hilarious post. The upgrades are really interesting. 64+ baffled me. At first I thought it was an age but that would make 1-15 levels very non-PC. Zack’s Bengal tiger comment totally cracked me up.
The upgrades ARE indeed very interesting. If you watch the Teri Hatcher interview, you’ll see the Bengal Tiger comment isn’t so far off. I have a feeling that gal could do a Lorena Bobbitt just with her vagina.
And yes, the comments to this post are absolutely cracking me up. Y’all are just too damn funny.
too funny, Jenny. I thought the 64+ was speeds and motions. hmmm. i’ll have to re-think that. LOL
I stand by my original comment at the thought of 64+ *whatevers*. The possible outcomes (no pun intended) scare me. I have a girlfriend who tried a 4-speed and did pee her bed. Imagine what would have happened with a 64-speed…
Exercise the va-jay-jay? YES! But I don’t think we need special tools. If we find them fun, we should go for it. Otherwise, I can think of LOTS of spectacular exercises…
That was my perspective too, August. Just plan lots of vagina activities. And play dates… As the mother of a toddler, you can never have too many play dates!
Okay, speaking of exercizing the va-jay-jay, anyone catch Jennifer Love Hewitt on Conan (it was maybe a few months back) she BEDAZZLES hers! You know those cute beady designs on sticky bendy plastic? (I am a wordsmith) Yah, she peels them off and sticks ‘em on.
There is a part of me — a much younger, and more well-shorn part of me — that soooo wants to try this.
Vagazzler. JLH coined the phrase. I need to do a post on this…
Girl…GO FOR IT!!!!
I did a few posts on vajazzline that you must visit:
http://nataliehartford.com/2012/01/04/urban-word-wednesday-vajazzle-2/
And a couple hilarious posts for HIM:
http://nataliehartford.com/2012/02/15/uww-ding-a-ling-bling/
http://nataliehartford.com/2012/03/14/uwy-ding-a-ling-bling-gone-extreme/
WHOOP, there it is!! Where’s Hubby’s blogjack??!! We want Hubby to weigh in on the vajayjay “resistance exercises!!”
As a member of the male species, I must admit that many of us are very familiar with “vajayjay resistance exercises.”
Despite all of our countless hours practicing well-mannered and heart-felt pick up lines, we contstantly run in to resistance from the vajayjay.
You’re just picking the wrong ladies to try your lines on. The proper women will be chasing YOU, trying to get their “exercise” on.
*furiously taking notes*
Okaaaaay…but GLUE on my hoohah? I call Vagina Foul!! You’ve got to Brazilian first (OUCH) and then yank the jewelry off when you’re done (OUCH-OUCH). I’m just not feeling the love on this, ladies…
A little soak and the bedazzles would fall right off, I am sure. It’s not like I’d crazy-glue them on. LOL!!! I think with a little trim and a bit of vajazzling up top, it could be quite lovely and enticing. This girl ain’t going Brazilian…no way…I don’t think so! I might just try it but I think pictures would be pushing the envelop…even for me…LOL!!!
Hmmmmm…. *Jenny shakes head over vajayjay decorating tips*
Oh, no, don’t do a Brazilian – those look like naked armadillos. A gal needs her nest.
BAHAHAHA – “A gal needs her nest.” *rolling all over the floor on this one*
DYING!!! ROFLMAO!! ‘Girl needs her nest’ AMEN Kathy!!!!!
LMAO
“those look like naked armadillos.” I don’t know if I can ever look at a “Brazilian” kitty again without busting up and laughing.
(I’m half Brazilian, and we take our kitties very seriously)
I have no words. LOLOL! All I can do is blink, blink. LOL!
WOW – the +64 levels knocked out your power of speech? That’s some serious power. Come back when they all come flooding back in. I have a feeling you’ll be making Nat and I howl with laughter.
Absolutely!!! LOL!!!
What can I say – I’ve warned Natalie that she’s always sending me off to look for a catalog or some such thing – but I might have to sit this one out.
Sheri, out of respect for you, I’ll leave all my “sit one out” comments unsaid. I agree with you that the products and catalogs Natalie finds are mind-boggling.
(But ALWAYS intriguing…)
I aim to please and mind-boggle ladies. LOL!!
This may even be out of my comfort zone Sheri…Wait…who am I kidding, if someone sent me a free one to try, I’d give it a whirl and a full report….LOL!!! I did get my MASQUE in the mail and am trying to get up the courage…ROLF!!
Heaven help us….
If you do, tell us what the instructional video is like!
Fab post, Jenny! I took all the usual precautions (in place for the O.M.G. post and the Vagina Coloring Book post) – no beverage within arm’s reach.
Love the “silken case,” oohh…now THAT says “quality.” Doesn’t it seem that the lubricant and convenient spray cleaner should have been in the BASIC version? Think, people!
I know other folks were struck by the +64 levels, too. Seems to me it’s like using an elephant hose to take a shower, don’t you think? LOL!
I had the same reaction. Don’t basic BD’s (Bladder Dominatrices) deserve some basic hygiene too???!! LMAO over “an elephant hose to take a shower”…
HOWLING over your comments today, Kathy. And, here I thought you spent all your time on Wikipedia trolling for details on days-gone-by.
Yeah, I know, Gloria – I come across as the reserved lit prof with the hair bun and bifocals on a chain…but Wikipedia? I’m crushed.
Gotta watch out for us quiet types; we tend to bust out in a big way, LOL. Thanks to you and everyone else for the inspiration!
Oh my Lord, Gloria…Kathy is a stitch. You’ve just got to give her room to bust out, if you know what I mean… Still dying over yesterday’s comments!
I know ya’ll screamed for Hubby participation today – but I was swamped today – SORRY!- AND after reading these comments ….I’m left ALMOST speechless – just when I thought Nat’s blog had gone to the lowest of levels…Jenny took the bar and made a prostate tickling male kegel device out of it – I’m no financial guru but I won’t be buying stock in that company anytime soon! I have to go rinse my eyes and take a shower….way to go Jenny!
Dude, you know you can count on me to set that bar so low we can just scootch our butts a little to the right. Thats how I roll.
But you have to admit…the post itself was pretty tame. It was the commenters’ frivolity that took things to a whole new level. We needed you, man!! But I understand crazy days at work. You’ve got to keep Natalie in shoes and, well….she did say she would try the BD if it was FREE. (Bengal Tiger vajayjay. I’m just sayin…)
I am way beyond LMAO. Try tears streaming down my face, leaning off the side of my chair, gasping for breath. You are… sorry, this writer is speechless. I cannot come up with a word that sufficiently captures the incredible essence of Jenny Hansen! (and I know someone is going to make that sound dirty, I just know it.)
I was struck by the “silken privacy case” myself. So classy! And I also agree that one should not have to pay extra (or go to extra levels) in order to obtain basic hygiene. I was about to go get a glass of wine, but I think I’ll wait until after I read Natalie post over at Cowbell, just to be on the safe side.
Well, Kassandra, I am honored that we’ve rendered you speechless. Other people wouldn’t understand what a big deal that is, but me and Nat? We’ve got your back.
I saw that all was safe and sound for you over at More Cowbell so I’m assuming you got that glass of wine. Here’s wishing you plenty more “laugh-until-you-cry” moments. Seriously, these commenters did us proud today — male kegels, naked armadillos and all.
After a half-hour here, with interruptions to pick myself up off the floor, I’m now supposed to concentrate on writing? Jenny’s post was one thing … that woman does get us going … and the Jenny/Natalie combination is beyond D.A.N.G.E.R.O.U.S. but in the best way. Commenters, take a bow for your hilarious input. Nothing more to say.
Awwwww…MUAH Patricia. You are the best!
She IS the best!! And did you hear that, Nat? We’re D.A.N.G.E.R.O.U.S. (<– in all CAPS with periods) I feel like we've "arrived."
OMG….we soooo have…squeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Okay…maybe I’m just odd (okay, yeah, I AM odd), but the thing that struck me most was that Teri Hatcher actually CALLS someone and has no problem giving her name. That’s actually worse than wearing a trench coat, big hat, and bigger sunglasses to slink through an adult toy store. YOUR NAME??? Yeah not! Amazon.com, people. Amazon.com.
Too funny, Jenny! Love the comments, too. Zack…hey, you never know. The male Kegel exerciser might be a whole lot nicer than the doctor’s finger.
Does anyone but me wonder why spell check red-lines Kegel?
*exploded tea over comment to Zack*
Yeah, y’all just kill me over here. Evidently Natalie’s place just brings out the zingy repartee in everybody. I was SHOCKED that Teri Hatcher gives her name, I certainly wouldn’t have expected it, though the conversational topics behind the scenes at Desperate Housewives didn’t surprise me at all.
Hey Kristy!
I’m not sure…. Maybe if the machine had a really nice bed-side manner, bought me a drink first, or didn’t complain when I sing “Moon River” during the exercise, then I might try it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-zf2UBp7fY (Bend over, Mr. Babar, from Fletch)
Moon River??!? You need Jesus, dude.
ROFLMAO!! O.M.G.!!
Bathtub Jesus has a very open congregation of “moon river” lovers. LOL!!
ROFL…that Bathtub Jesus is so…embracing!
I was here yesterday before the comments got into the variety of “good heavens, am I actually reading this?!!!” Seeing as the armadillo is our state’s animal (hello from Texas), I am furiously attempting to bleach my brain of that image now. The next time I see a dead armadillo on the side of the road (a common occurrence, sadly, though sometimes holding a Lone Star beer can for some reason), I will try not to bust out laughing so that my family asks, “What’s so funny, mom?” Thankfully, I was alone today as I read through Natalie’s, Jenny’s, Kathy’s, Zack’s, and others’ comments that had me falling off my chair with laughter.
(Oh, this preacher’s daughter and former children’s minister will now be crawling into a confessional now. I’ve been ruined.)
Julie, if they let ME teach Sunday School (and they do), I assure you they will always let you sit in the front row at church.
And do you really see Lone Star beer cans in your roadside armadillos??! That means the road killer would have to stop the car and put said can in the paws of the road killee. Am I the only one who finds that bizarre?
Yep, we had a menagerie of maniacal laughter over here – naked armadillos and Bengal Tigers!
LOL. You know my comment was in good fun, Jenny!
I have seen pics of the armadillo & Lone Star can. It’s a college student prank apparently to find a dead armadillo on the drive home and pay your respects to his drunken demise.
Well, we tipped cows at Mizzou, so I guess I can’t make fun of the armadillo stagers.
Do you know the “peel the banana” song that has a cow-tipping verse?
No!!! Links? Video? Lyrics…give me something here, girlfriend! Enquiring minds MUST know.
Sending you a link on Twitter. And just for you, Jenny, I’m considering an instructional vlog post to teach this very important musical number. Would you shake your cowbell for me if I did it?
OF COURSE I would!!!
I am so moving to Texas someday! LOL!!!
Oh my. ROFL. I thought the Brazilian butt workout was tough. Wow…I just realized how wrong that sounds. I’m tempted to delete it but nah.
I believe I can speak for both myself and Natalie on this one, Sonia…NEVER delete! We want to hear all your glorious top-of-the-brain thoughts.
Amen Sista!!!!