All right. Y’all know I’m a pretty active lady. I like the outdoors. I like adventures. Camping, ATVing, hiking, fishing; I’m into it. I dig it. I am at one with Mother Nature. So much so, I’m quite comfortable at using nature’s garden as my personal latrine. And I think I’ve mastered the art of outdoor urination!
Natalie’s 10 steps to the perfect outdoor pee:
- Location, location, location! You need a spot where you can stand horizontally level but has a slight vertical downward slop. This is paramount to ensure a pant-protection pee stream occurs. Standing on a large tree root, at the top of a slope, or on a large rock works fine. Try to avoid ant hills. Although they do display perfect outdoor urination grade, certain species of ants can bite and it’s better safe than sorry on this one. Trust me. Lesson learned the hard way.
- Drop your drawers! That’s right; this is no time for modesty. Strip those pants and undergarments down to your ankles. Trying to hide your naked butt from the bears is only going to ensure a piss-poor urination incident (pun intended).
- Go deep! It’s all about the squat and tilt my friends. First, you gotta go wide in your stance and deep in your squat. Get right down there. The closer to the ground you can get, the less likely for unwanted backsplash.
- Sit back. Yip, you read that right, now it’s time to tilt your pelvis slightly forward. It’ll feel like you are almost sitting back into your squat. The idea is to aim the firing squad down the slop. Trust me, in this squat pose; it won’t be a little tinkle coming out. If you point straight down this will only ensure nasty backsplash not to mention a urine puddle protruding into the shoe zone. Protect the shoe zone at all cost!
- Grip and grin! Just before you “let go,” grip the outside of your pants and pull outward to keep your pants out of the line of fire. This will also help stabilize you in your exposed stance.
- Relax and let go! Enjoy the freedom of watering nature’s garden.
- Let nature run its full course. Your thighs are shaking, your balance is precarious, and you’re looking around to see if someone’s going to “come up on ya”. I understand your urge to cut the stream short and stand back up. Don’t let anxiety or poor physical conditioning get the best of you or you’ll wind up with urine stains marking your misfortune. Hold your perfect pee pose. If it helps, think of the toning you are getting.
- Drip dry. Once your perfect pee is complete you must hold the stance for another few seconds to drip dry slightly. Personally, I like to add a slight bounce at this point. It helps shake off excess and also helps get the circulation back into my feet and legs.
- Rise up half way and wipe.
- Discard tissue (biodegradable of course) into the trees and reassemble.
Voila – my secrets to the perfect outdoor pee pose.
But even with this expertise there are times when all the squat skills in the world won’t save you from urination incidents. Squatting deep and steady after a few drinks can prove to be very challenging. Any slight wobble and the next thing you know you’ve got a damp pant leg to deal with. Or what about those outdoor concerts with their nasty port-a-potty’s where you have to hover. I mean, I can hold a deep, tilted back squat “pas de problem” but a half-poised hover after 3 beers, give me a break!
I mean, even my good friend Amber West encountered an uncomfortable urination situation on a trip to Mexico. She was touring the countryside when she found herself in high need to relieve and the only option; a sketchy outhouse with no door, just a bowl (no lid, no seat), a cock-eyed rooster, and the hover. Eeekeee!!!
We’ve all been there!
Well, Myndi Shafer turned me on to a perfect solution to all our urination woes: the GoGirl, a female urination device (hubby calls it an FU device – female urination device – definitely another blog post) that enables women to pee while standing up.
I shit you not!
You just hold GoGirl against your body, forming a seal, aim, and let er’ fly! This would greatly simplify my outdoor urination adventures but it’d also come in very handy at concerts, traveling, etc.
GoGirl is made with flexible, medical grade silicone. So you can dispose of it after use if you want…or clean and reuse. Their patented splash guard eliminates messing and spilling and GoGirl fits easily in your purse, pocket, or glove compartment for those “ya just never know” moments!
Check out some videos:
Check out the GoGirl’s YouTube channel for more videos.
You can order your very own GoGirls here. They come in pink (love that) and camo and come in a variety of order packs; $12.99/single, $34.97/3-pack, $134.99/13-pack etc.
You Go Girl!!!
What do you think, are you an outdoor urination expert? Would you give peeing outside a try? Will my 10 steps help? Think you’d give GoGirl a try?
It’s Twisted Tuesday and that means it’s time to enjoy a smile, giggle or laugh…here’s hoping I’ve provided it in spades…enjoy!
More blog deliciousness here:
- OMG did you READ Margie Lawson’s guest post at Jenny Hansen’s on writing heart-pounding visceral responses. Lord, I nearly fainted the examples were so HOT!
- As writers, we can be known to be a wee bit over dramatic and grand. Harry and Susan Squires wrote a great post over at Writers In The Storm about how changing your questions to smaller, more succinct questions, could get you the answers you’ve been waiting for!
- Kait Nolan did a great post on the reason why we should absolutely consider brainstorming with people who don’t know every detail about our WIP!